Author: onparallelpaths

When you were young, did you ever play the adaptation of the ‘I spy’ game with friends, where you would look at the clouds to see different shapes that reminded you of something? I remember finding Mickey Mouse once, likely an outcome of growing up in Orlando, FL at the time that “The Mouse” arrived! Well, I haven’t played that game in decades, so it has made it very unusual for me, even before Will passed but more frequently since, that I have received messages from God through clouds. Now I know you are likely thinking that I’ve totally lost my mind… and I have experienced a few challenges over the past 24 months that could lead to this expected outcome. I have muddled over whether or not to send this post out because I felt it needed to be authorized by God and not just by my own insights. But recently I have received many confirmations, one even this afternoon during my final proofing of this entry, that have encouraged me to share my “cloud”insights with you.

My fellow Floridians will vouch for the fact that we can experience many different types of clouds down here. Because Florida is a peninsula and I live just a few miles from the coast, cloud formations often pass over us rather quickly. In summer-time the cumulous clouds, the ones that build up high and fluffy, turn into those fierce afternoon thunderstorms that my home-state is well known for. I found it rather unusual that during Will’s cancer journey, I became aware of how God brought stratus, cirrus, and cumulous clouds into formations that not only spoke to me messages of hope, peace, joy, comfort, love, but now bring back powerful memories of our son.

https://youtu.be/1FhTqhWTqQs

God’s cloud messages to me started from photos at the beginning of Covid in 2020, which my dear friend, Jill Campbell, would send me every weekday. Jill (who has since moved to Charlottesville, VA) lived on the tip of the San Marco, Jacksonville neighborhood, maybe a mile from us, in a 22+ story condo building overlooking downtown on the edge of the St. John’s River. With very few exceptions, due to heavy rain or low temperatures, Jill would walk, pray, and take photos on the streets and bridges of the city. When she returned home from her walks, she would look over the various photos she took to choose the one to send out for the day’s “Morning Prayers.” I would wake up with anticipation to see what she captured for that day. Sometimes the mornings were bright and beautiful with yellows and oranges reflecting on the clouds and lighting up the sky… sometimes the sunrise was soft and muted… and other times the shots were dark and brooding, showing a swirl of storm clouds getting ready to blow in. Jill wouldn’t often write much with her photos. She didn’t need to. The text would usually only say “Morning Prayers”… but I would occasionally get a note like ’scaley skies’… ‘raining all over the world’…’morning glory’… “can you find the dolphin?”… or “rise and shine.” 

Yes, her photos spoke so much, words really weren’t necessary. I would ‘read’ from the photos things like… “God is magnificent… or “It is a new day full of beauty so I can hope.”…or “What artistic skills God has!”… or “Thank you God that you are for me and that you send me friends to help me get through these rough waters”… or “Even though I struggled to get up today God, you didn’t. You showed up so I know you will help me do the same.” 

It was quite a few months into Will’s cancer journey that I started to notice not just the amazing ability Jill had to capture the clouds reflecting perfectly off the river’s water, but also to notice images in the photo’s clouds.

Images in the clouds… flashback to childhood. My two favorites are first a sunrise cross reflected in the water and the reminder of God’s promise that He’d love me forever and second of a large arrow. When I saw the arrow, I heard “keep going forward.” 

This “arrow” message happened to come at a time when Will was rapidly declining, and it had me motivated to search for a transplant option for him. The day before Will passed, I was trading phone messages with the Cleveland Clinic location here in Florida, where Will “just so happened” to have had sought a second opinion the year before, so he was considered an existing patient and therefore eligible to be considered… but we ran out of time and a transplant wasn’t meant to be.

After Will passed the cloud messages seem to intensify. I wasn’t too many days after Will passed and I was sitting at my desk in my home office, trying to do… I can’t image what… when I found myself staring out the window in my fog of grief. Suddenly, my eyes focused up in the sky and in front of me was the sky full of ‘ribs’. During Will’s Journey he had gotten so thin that he was literally little more than skin and bones. I would go to his room to have a chat, bring him beverages, ask what I could do to make him comfortable, give him back rubs, finish some work, read quietly…and a lot of times, just sit near his feet and watch him sleep. When I saw the sky that looked so much like Will’s cancer-ridden body, I snapped this photo with my phone and wept. It seemed like it was just a few minutes later that the clouds were gone, and I could ‘hear’ the message that “Will doesn’t look like that anymore. He is totally healed now.” That messaged helped to calm me. But the image still sucks the air out of my lungs. 

In the following weeks and months, it seemed like every time I looked up in the sky there was a cloud formation…specifically a cloud with a hole in the middle of it… another message. I felt the formation reflected the hole that I felt in my heart… a part of me was missing… I am not complete without Will.

In the 24 months since Will’s passing, I have lost count of how many ‘holes’ the Lord has given me in the clouds. The message I have heard is that God knows me and feels the pain of my loss, right alongside me. There has been comfort in these sightings but also great sadness. Each time it draws me closer to Him and to Will and for that I have been thankful.

It wasn’t until after Bruce and I traveled last October to visit DeLand, FL friends, Keith, and Mary Napier, at their northern property, a lake house in Michigan, where the meaning of the hole in the middle of the clouds began to change for me. 

We had been enjoying several days at the lake, visiting with them and their daughter, Dani, catching up on family news and thoroughly enjoying being together on the lake in kayaks and boating. We’ve known the Napier family (and our extended family as our children Will and Kate called Keith’s mom ‘Grandma Ruth’) for over 20 years. Will and Kate grew up with their children, Dani and Joe. Will even lived with their family in DeLand, FL while he completed a pediatric clinical rotation during medical school. Ten months before he passed. Will was able to attend Joe’s wedding.

So, during our fall visit, one evening down by the lake, we were relaxing on the dock, waiting for one of their award-winning sunsets (they love to taunt us throughout the year by texting us pictures of their amazing sunsets). It was just before the sun went down when a cloud formation appeared that looked to me like a set of huge angle wings running parallel to the top of the trees at the end of the lake.  

Then to the left of them was a smaller cloud formation that look like a set of mini wings running vertical the lake…and these wings were followed further to the left by a formation that looked like God’s hand holding the moon.

Look below for the zoom shot of the moon in the hand. Can you see the sliver of the moon 1/4 of the way from the tips of His fingers?

Okay, so you might think I am a bit crazy, but let me tell you, there was such a sense of peace that washed over me. A ‘word’ of promise that God knew about the hole in my heart and despite it He was there to help me heal… to hold me up in the palm of His hand, like He holds the universe. I felt the peace and assurance that God had his angels watching over us as well as Will. Next came a beautiful sunset to top it all off.

https://youtu.be/bubmt0bSc4U

Based upon these sightings, I was coming to believe that the “holes”, while a reminder of my pain, weren’t necessarily to just remind me about an emptiness. The holes let me know that God is in my life journey and this insight has brought me peace. 

I recall the scripture that shares the Lord’s promise to us that He will provide us with a peace that is unlike any other that we can experience on our own.

Then scriptures say:

^27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

I feel like this extraordinary peace is the same peace and joy that I have when someone shares a special remembrance about Will, recounts a sweet story of him, reminds me of a funny moment with him, or shares the way one of Will’s books (that they chose at Will’s life celebration last summer) has impacted them. 

While originally writing this entry a work colleague and friend, Susan, called and shared with me that every time she sees a heart hanging in a tree, which is apparently something that is a tradition in Cleveland, that she thinks of Will. In the past year, after Will passed away, Susan was walking among a number of trees where there were hearts hanging while she was thinking of Will, and one heart started to twirl and swing, when there was no wind or movement of the other hearts. She felt it was Will’s spirit sending a message that he was well. When I receive messages like this there is a special peace and joy that reminds me that because of God’s love, Will’s spirit lives on still, just in a different way. And I also hear from the message that God loves me and that my life is still here to be fully lived, just in a different way. This peace and joy has led to more hope for me.

Several months ago, I spent a few days in DeLand, FL. The plan for me was to once again stay with the Napiers (at their lovely southern property this time), to visit, shop for, cook meals, and drive to a chemo appointment for another friend, Bethanne, who is battling two types of Lymphoma. 

To pass the time driving across the state, along dreaded Interstate 4, I rang up my friend Cathryn from Massachusetts. We caught up on each other lives and shared prayer concerns.  I was feeling anxious about being with Bethanne, as I had only seen one other friend battling cancer since Will passed, and that one visit (with a gal named Pat) was really distressing for me. Within seconds of seeing Pat, I had so many ‘flashbacks’ of Will’s chemo challenges that it took my breath away. 

So, I wrapped up my phone call with Cathryn and stopped to gas up my car to finish my drive to DeLand. As I began to pump the gas I gazed up in the sky and this is what I saw.

It looked like a hand… God’s hand, reaching out… And in my spirit, I could hear the scripture that was shared with me by my Spiritual Mom, Gloria… Gloria is the biological mom to Cathryn… yes, the same Cathryn who I had just spoken to asked her to pray for me. Her mom Gloria had passed away 364 days before:

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

Isaiah 41:10

https://youtu.be/lsIpGiz3SfQ

The timing couldn’t be just a coincidence, could it?

I felt such confidence that both Cathryn and Gloria were helping to support me, to uphold me by praying me into God’s righteous right hand.  

My time visitin’ (as we say here down south), with Bethanne, and several other long-time friends in DeLand was blessed. I felt so uplifted and encouraged by this time to serve and reconnect.  Prayers were answered.

Right before I left town, I took a couple minutes to return a missed phone call to a friend in Iowa, Susan. We had plans to speak alongside of each other at a women’s retreat she was coordinating and we needed to cover some outstanding logistics. After talking about the retreat, I shared a bit about how God was using cloud formations to remind me of His presence with me and she mentioned that the continued ‘hole’ messages of His presence with my loss could possibly mean even more. She encouraged me to keep looking and listening for all that God has to say through the “holes”. And as she was speaking to me, I looked out my car window and there was, yet another hand, this one reaching toward me.

Okay, God… I’ll keep looking and listening.

When I returned home, I sat down to have my quiet time before I planned to continue writing this journal entry… remember that I started writing it months before. This is what I came across during my reading time from the book “God is My Hiding Place” the devotional by concentration camp survivor, Corrie Ten Boom:

“When we are at the center of God’s will, His grace keeps us. Each assignment releases His wisdom, favor, and protection. We must be careful not to hold on to what we have when God calls us to move on. Let us be sensitive to the leading of His Spirit and commit each day to Him.” 

Page 84

I kept rereading the quote, “…at the center”… in the middle… of His will. It jumped off the page. Surrounded by God and being where He is calling me to be, which means to be aware of where He is calling me to go. A long-time favorite passage from scripture is Proverbs 3:5-6. My company’s name (Pathway Development Company) was influenced by this writing of King Solomon. 

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Proverbs 3:5-6a

As daunting is it seems, Instead of focusing on “the holes” in the cloud formations reflecting a place of loss and emptiness, I felt called to focus on the holes representing a place where I am surrounded by the love of God. A place that reflects the call to walk in the center of His will. This could mean letting go of what I know and what I think I need and instead, embracing what He has next. 

https://youtu.be/cskhNiE_NPQ

While this uncertainty feels unsettling, God promises us that His peace will replace the other clouds, storms and challenges that are present in my life and yours. I don’t know about you, but I know that I can’t consistently conjure up peace within myself. As much as I try, I can’t figure everything out in my own mind. I have never “done life” perfectly. However, He is making it clear that I need to continually seek Him and trust enough to walk in His will. By keeping my eyes and ears open to receive His messages I can walk a path parallel to God’s.

. 

²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

It’s raining here in Sarasota today… just like it did when another tropical storm passed through two years ago today… on the afternoon Will passed away. There were rainbows in the sky just a few hours after Will said “I love you, too” and walked into the Lords loving arms. I am praying again today for God’s strength to keep living without Will. And for His leading me with eyes to “see” more within the clouds and rainbows with the message that the joy will come in the morning. 

https://youtu.be/-0NLneSBJg4

Hello dear ones,

I apologize for the long delay in communicating with you, not only from my journaling, but also in returning your messages on the OPP website.  I am happy to be reconnecting with each of you this week.  As you’ll read below, my mother passed away within 38 hours of unexpectedly losing our bother-in-law Colin and then we had a hurricane in our part of the state of Florida. My life’s path has been a rather challenging one, yet again. So, thank you ever so much for continuing the journey alongside me. I look forward to hearing from you.

Fall… when I think of the word “Fall” many things come to mind:
… Fall is a season of the year because that when leaves fall from trees
… Fall is what can happen if you slip on something wet or are unsteady on your feet.
… Fall is what happens when you are become totally overwhelmed with love for a special person in your life.
… Fall from grace, is what happens to your professional and/or personal reputation when you make a series of mistakes or bad decisions. Or when you disappoint others by not living up to their expectations of you, or even when you inadvertently make an enemy of the wrong influential person.
… Fall is what happens to trees when a hurricane arrives, and the root system isn’t sufficient to withstand the high winds and can’t hold it securely in the ground.

A Time for Everything: by King Solomon
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

https://youtu.be/ZYkZE8AogDE

“Fall” is the season of the year that we are enjoying right now in the northern hemisphere. This is the time of year when the nights are cooler (even down in southwest Florida…it’s all relative) and the days crisp (in the more northern regions) and bright. While Fall days are shorter, they are filled with the beauty of the colored leaves, deep blue skies, and the smell/taste of all-things apple and pumpkin spice. During Fall carefully tended crops are harvested, the bounty celebrated, fields are tilled to return nutrients to the soil and some plants are left to go dormant and even die-back, so that after the cold of winter, new life can begin in the spring.

When I think of Fall, I think of the Upper Midwest where I’ve had the opportunity to live twice and visit dozens of times.  My husband Bruce and I are currently on a road trip in our RV, out to Iowa for the annual Fall Board of Trustee meetings at the University of Dubuque. After this week we will head over to Illinois, up to Wisconsin and the over to Lake City, Michigan to Young Life’s camp Timber Wolf Lake, for leadership meetings. As we traveled up this way during the last week, we have marveled at the fabulous “fall colors” that we have seen this year. They are the most stunning that I have ever witnessed. 

God’s creation has “wowed” us all along the way, through one state and into the next.  We have watched the green John Deer tractors and combines harvesting corn and soybeans from the cab of our RV, saying a prayer of thanks for their hard work to feed our nation.  And we have celebrated the bounty of fellowship time by taking the opportunity to stop to visit dear friends near; Charlottesville, VA, Pittsburgh, PA, Cleveland, OH, Columbus, OH, Elkhart, IN, Dubuque, IA and to come Madison, WI. Spending time with this diverse group of individuals we either met during my banking career or in Bruce’s graduate school and church calls, has brought so much “crisp air and color” to our travel days. Taking time to share wonderful meals, reminisce, catch-up, laugh, weep, rest, hike, encourage and be encouraged, has brought a warmth to my heart that I desperately needed.  Those of you who have faithfully followed along during Will’s cancer journey know that we took him on a trip two years ago at this time in October. From that experience, I decided that if I was given his diagnosis of only 6-9 months to live that I would go see all the people who are near and dear to me.  

Well, I decided that I didn’t want to wait for that diagnosis but would try to take any and every opportunity to be with those that mean so much to us while we are able. So be warned, if we know you well and you live in the continental US, we may turn up in our 30’ long RV in your driveway.

As I am writing to you, I am sitting in my favorite study room here at the monastery called New Melleray Abbey, in Peosta, IA.  The temperatures have reached the lower 40’s this afternoon (from a low in the upper 20’s last night). The rolling corn, soybean, and alfalfa fields around me are partially harvested.  

The wind is whipping through the colorful leaves on the trees and the sky is that lovely shade of blue.  Unlike my home in Sarasota, the seasons up here change drastically. But things here, inside the thick walls of the monastery, remain warm and consistent.

Here at the monastery, the Brother’s sing the same Psalms to the same cadence on the same days of the week during the month, accompanied by the same chapel organ. The words and movements of their liturgy is comforting and consistent, as is the smell of the lingering worship incense from the morning’s mass.

There is a stability here at the monastery that is spiritually and physically anchoring for me. I have been coming here to pray, listen, read, walk, and write for over 20 years. This place sparked a spiritual awakening in me that lead me to lead Women’s retreats and find more ways to connect with God at a deep level. This connection has been a falling in love with God. This place has allowed me to pursue an intimacy with God that I hadn’t experienced anywhere else. It is here that I have consistently felt the abundant love and provision of God.  Like my network of diverse friends around the world, New Melleray is part of my “life tree’s root system” that has allowed me to withstand the hurricanes, some of them literally, that have blown through my life. 

https://youtu.be/P9dIL3QXhgg

Speaking of hurricanes, just before Hurricane Ian hit Southwest Florida’s coast, a month ago this week, we unexpectedly lost our Chicago area bother-in-law, Colin (age 68) and then my mother Jean Gilliland (age 88) to a hard battle with congestive heart failure and kidney disease. 

Since February of this year, Mama had been in and out of the hospital, skilled nursing units, and in her own independent living apartment in Winter Park, FL. The tipping point for her came after she contracted Shingles a couple months ago.  By mid-September, Mama was ready to be out of the physical pain, to be relieved of her mobility limitations (she experienced several literal “falls” in the past couple of years which added to her complications when the foot-to-hip Shingles appeared on her right side.) She was ready to be released from the indignity of needing full-time care.  We are very sad at her passing but relieved for her that she now lives in peace in a restored body with our Lord.  

On the morning of Mama’s passing my sister Susan greeted me with a hug and the words, “Well, now we are orphans.”  Since our Dad passed away in February of 2021 it was very true from the earthly perspective. In truth, I have felt a rootlessness since Mama passed. Countless times this month I have reached for my phone to call to hear her voice and make sure she is okay. In certain situations I have wondered what solution Mama would suggest. 

There is a major gap left that my earthly parents previously filled. I was reminded by a new work friend Margo, from PA, that while my earthly parents aren’t here anymore, that I have a heavenly Father who will always be there for me.  It is my faith in God’s promise of unconditional love and eternal life for those who believe in His son Jesus.  A promise I learned from my Mama.  My spiritual beliefs have been the main branch of my “life’s root system” that has kept me from falling in the strong winds from rounds of end-of-life caregiving and the eventual losses. 

“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.”

Psalms 52:8

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”

Deuteronomy 7:9

“Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.”

Psalms 48:9

“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Psalms 86:15

“… neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:39

As I reflect on where I am in life, I feel like the last three years have been a season of Fall for me, physically and spiritually.  Having lived here in the Upper Midwest, I have learned that Fall can arise in me either feeling of melancholy or anticipation. Feelings that things are gearing-up for a change… they aren’t going to stay the same.  In the Upper Midwest Fall brings with it a knowledge that a long, cold, and likely grey winter is ahead. 

During this Fall season of my life, I have appreciated the “vibrant colors” from the support and comfort provided by dear friends and family that have blessed me. Likewise, I have felt the pressure to continue to “produce crops” to bring in a “good end-of-the season harvest” (i.e. keep working professionally to meet client expectations and family budget plans, keep caring for those family members who need me, try to keep up with the relationships that are important to me, while managing now Mama’s estate requirements..I need to finish well.) During this season I have become aware of some of the brittle barrenness that has come with years of striving and the recent rounds of caregiving and prolonged grief.  The need to use the remainder of this season for restorative changes is on the forefront of my mind, to avoid the possibility of significant “breakage”. 

https://youtu.be/SwY4hbV6xhgin

There is much opportunity for restorative change this Fall season. 

… A chance to “clean out the barn” so that “newly harvested crops” can be stored away. Literally, as soon as I return from our road trip, I plan on going through my dresser and closets and make a major purge of what I don’t use or need anymore. I have also been thinking about my pace of life and how I have filled it. How I have spent the last few years and what are the current expectations and demands on my time. I am asking God to clarify and direct how I spend this next season of my life. What is there time and the chance to do?

… A chance to put cozy flannel sheets on the bed to snuggle in for the comfort a great night’s sleep. Caregiving and grief have had a way of keeping my mind whirling and interrupting my sense of peace. Rest has a way of equipping me with strength for life’s daily demands. 

… A chance to change up my daily schedule to exercise more. No longer do I get to spend hours driving across the state to visit with, arrange for and help care for Mama. I now have the options to get back into my yoga routine, ride my bike more, plan time to fellowship with friends, wear a sweatshirt (vs. a t-shirt) and to get myself outside to embrace the invigorating change in temperatures and the scenery of God’s creation. 

… A chance to sip on a hot non-caffeinated beverage (vs. something ice cold) and nibble something healthy and homemade to nourish my physical being. It’s a chance to take a break from processed/semi-prepared foods that I ate a lot of in the past nine months, either in my car, or at Mama’s apartment after a late-night hospital visits, or take-out with her in the nursing care units… they try hard but you know how food is in those places.

… A chance to give thanks for the relational and spiritual “roots” that I have in my life that help keep me grounded and tapped into the sources of goodness and life. This chance also includes the opportunity to have better boundaries with those people or calendar items that are not life giving. A gracious decline of an invitation can mean time for a more restorative ‘appointment’.

… A chance to daily appreciate the harvest of blessings, regardless of its apparent nature, that God has bestowed upon my life.

³Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

⁵Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,

for they will be filled.

⁷Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.

⁸Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

⁹Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.

¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Matthew 5: 3-11

https://youtu.be/gz-0TUbkbVE

Let this Fall be an important season on your life’s path. 

Written yesterday…on July 28, 20222…

If you know anything at all about the Hallmark Channel’s broadcasting schedule, then you’ll know that it is reaching the end of “Christmas in July” series. Time is running out to see your favorite Romcom stories that all end with a promise of happily-ever-after and a kiss. Now, don’t roll your eyes at me!!! During the past 18 months I have become quite the fan of sitting beside my Mom, (and sometimes with sisters Susan and Ginny) enjoying mindless movies that show diversity, selflessness, helpfulness, loyalty, perseverance, forgiveness, and creativity… all, of course, with a focus on cultivating love. Don’t you think our lives could use a lot more of these things and less of what we hear in the news? 

While I enjoy the positive diversion of the sometimes predictable movie scenarios that the channel produces, it was in the first of the 2022 Christmas movie premieres that I watched, “My Grown-Up Christmas List.” It included a line that jumped right off the script, out of the actors’ mouth, and into my heart, “Not all gifts have bows.” It really got me thinking.

Now, don’t hear me wrong, there is nothing wrong with “gifts”.  We all love receiving gifts, don’t we?  And speaking of gifts, my birthday was the very next day after watching the movie… and I’ll admit that at that moment in time I was looking forward to seeing bows on a few gifts… and hearing the birthday song played from the family’s singing cake… most of us can’t carry a tune!

But that one line amongst many others from the movie was like a hand held up for me to stop, look, and listen. It felt like a command to recall all the things in my life that are truly gifts… not just the special one’s people pick out, pay for, and wrap up for me. While these types of gifts are very nice, too, and always appreciated, the other “gifts” that I started to mentally note were precious in totally different ways.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” Ephesians 2:8

The list that I wrote in my journal that day started like this:

• Appreciating my family for the support, love, and great memories that they have blessed me with

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16

• Capturing (digitally) the precious smile that our grandson Walker loves to flash

• Spending time face-to-face with Northern Ireland friends David and Mairisine, to talk, cry, hug, shop, cook, eat, and reminisce… it’s been a long, hard 2 ½ years.

Appreciating the kindness of strangers, in the beach condo elevator and at the local grocery store 

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

Gazing at amazing sunsets across from the beach… overlooking the estuary

• Receiving an unexpected phone call, note, email, text, or card… each of which expressed love to me with encouragement that I needed at that time

https://youtu.be/BiUixue9cfs

• Appreciating the fantastic Independence Day-July 4th fireworks, that exploded right over our heads, on the sand of New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Gaining the insight that the deep sleep that I had… for almost five full days… compliments of COVID… just after I arrived at home from a month with my mom in the hospital and her rehab room, on a non-work week so there was no guilt for just sleeping… was the much-needed rest I had prayed for
• Continuing a long-time family favorite and tradition, cooking from my grandmother, Mimi’s, hand-written recipe, and then eating her fried chicken for July 4th…

• Hearing that my mom stood up for 10 straight minutes, without assistance
• Soaking up a hug and its comfort, provided by my grand-cat Lulu
• Taking a long walk on a quiet beach with Bruce

• Sitting by the shore, listening to the tide roll in, with my toes in the sand, cool water on my feet (it actually splashed up on the bottom of my chair :o), a book in one hand, an adult beverage in the other hand, and the feeling of the setting sun still warm on my shoulders

… And since our return from the beach, I have added:

• Swimming some laps in the pool after a hot bike ride or muggy walk in the neighborhood

• Getting to cook a homemade meal in my own kitchen… knowing that Bruce will clean up after me

• Making plans to see many long-time friends on this fall’s RV road trip… our spring trip to see family and friends in MO, AR, AL and FL

• Having a virtual happy hour to catch up with friends Jo and Karola in Germany

• Enjoying lunch with friends Lisa and Jim who just dropped into to town from St. Pete to enjoy one of Sarasota’s amazing museums

• Treasuring words of comfort and support today from Kate C., Kathy P., Rebecca, Lori L., Mary and Keith N., Lauren and Jody B. and Susan C., who remembered it was Will’s birthday…Born 32 years ago in Winter Park, FL… at 6:54 AM… he continued to be a morning person his entire life

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

• Making the overnight oats recipe that Will taught me to make …I had it for breakfast today in his honor
• Realizing how blessed I am to have given birth to two children who have forever changed my life
• Rejoicing that because of my faith in Jesus Christ, as my Lord and Savior, that I’ll have eternal life… so I’ll not only get to see the Father’s face, but I’ll get to be with Will, my dad, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, the unborn child that I miscarried in 1992… and so many others I’ve known and loved… what a grand reunion it will be!

https://youtu.be/3lDvD-O9xhg

• Opening a text message from friend Dr. Dr. Dan, as I am literally typing this entry, telling me of an organization that may be supportive of my training initiative to help Resident and Fellow doctors with their overall health: body, mind, relationships, and finances… An overall glimmer of hope for something I am very passionate about. Because as Dr. Dr. Dan just typed, “We don’t believe in coincidences!!”

My “gift” list… yeah, so many gifts without bows. Yeah, it is indeed, Christmas in July!!

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17

https://youtu.be/Ezet8JyHD5Y

Thank you, God.

P.S. Another gift is my husband, Bruce, who graciously edits my journal entries for me

(In honor of a belated Mother’s Day and the upcoming Father’s Day celebrations, I share the following contemplations with you. I began the writing of this entry back in April. It started as my preparation for sharing at a women’s celebration in Dubuque, Iowa, where Bruce went to seminary. You’ll read about my dear friend Susan a little later in this entry, but it is because of her faithfulness that I was not only invited to speak but have become who I am today. There are so many friends and family members who I can also credit for profoundly impacting my life… the most important of whom are my parents… Ed and Jean Gilliland. It is in their memory and honor, respectively, that I share with you today.)

My friend Susan Marie Doyle-Miller asked me to speak at her women’s conference in Iowa this past spring. When I asked her about the focus of the conference and what she wished for me to share, she said, “You know as women we are natural birthers. So why not share about what God has birthed in you?” This sent me on a journey of looking through my life’s lens to see how God has been at work. After you read my entry, consider doing the same thing with your life’s journey. I have found that when it comes to “birthing” someone or “something”, two main truths have become evident …

1 st There is pain and effort in a “birthing experience,” but the pain is usually followed by joy and

2 nd That one ‘birth’ often leads to another….and yet another…

The Torah and Bible talk about births, and even how God knows us before we are born because he created us. In Psalm 139, verses 13-16, it says:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

https://youtu.be/QN8CCF–E04

Each of us is unique and has a special story that God created, before we even took our first breath. So, I would like to share with you my story and how I have arrived at my conclusions about birthing. I believe that God has created every one of us, and it is not only women who can be birthers of many wonderful joys. Here is a little context for my story.

I am number 2 of 4 and the oldest of three girls, with an older brother… who basically abdicated the “first born” status of the family. If you have read any books about birth order this may give you a glimpse or two into who I am. Since my older brother was very academically gifted, I felt I had to work twice as hard to keep up with him. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until 8 th grade and then not in my career until my mid 30’s… a bit of a late bloomer you might say. I guess I have always felt behind, less capable so therefore, felt the need to compensate.

After 28 years of focusing hard on goals and developing my independence and confidence… can you say “Fix, manage, and control”??… I found myself in the 7th year of marriage to my husband Bruce. During those seven years: we traveled to Europe, Canada, and Mexico; to a weekend black-tie wedding in Mexico City for a university friend; cruised the Caribbean and into the Panama Canal; before we finally decided that we were ready to start a family… then… no matter how much we tried, I wasn’t getting pregnant. My sense of personal reliance and “will do attitude” had its foundation shaken when I realized that we were facing infertility issues.

During this time, we were part of a wonderful church and more importantly a small group Bible study. Their support was a very helpful. This time of discouragement and challenge drew me closer to God and had me digging deeper in my faith. It also meant that Bruce and I had to commit to working hard to keep our marriage secure through the stressful months of testing, procedures, trying, only to fail and starting over again. It was during that time that another young couple in our small group was surprised… and seemed a bit disorientated… by news of their unexpected third pregnancy. They were so kind and apologetic when they shared their news, but the circumstances felt like salt was being rubbed into a wound in my soul. The pain of wanting a child and not being able to achieve that goal was the first of several life altering messages for me. See, I grew up near Walt Disney World, when it opened in my 5 th grade year. So, the promise of “happily ever after” was always part of the story. Could it be that is why I like watching Hallmark movies with my mom these days?

Through the pain of this birthing infertility, I learned that “Life doesn’t always give you what you ask for or when you want it… even if you work really hard for it.” No, “Life isn’t fair” as my Mama would say. Holy scriptures tell us that we can expect to have many troubles in this world. But holding on to God, He promises to hold on to us through our faith in Him. John 16:33 says:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Blessedly, after about 13 months of many different doctor’s appointments, testing, procedures and medication changes, a precious life began inside of me. Our son, William Edward Hedgepeth was born two weeks early, at a healthy 7 lbs. 8 oz., on July 28, 1990…. Thanks to a well-timed epidural injection, there wasn’t much pain in this birthing experience and after 2 hours of pushing… just 3 weeks after my 30 th birthday… Will arrived… and with him so much joy came into our lives.

It was humbling to realize that Will was a special blessing from God. This was my first of many adult lessons where I learned that no matter how much I tried, I would never be in control of everything in my life. I was able to learn that God ordains and blesses what is within His will and within His timeframe. This has kept me aware of needing to align my will to God’s will.

https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw

I thanked God for the birthing of this lesson that came with a desire of my heart. Such joy after the pain of infertility! And this “birth” led to another “birth…” a new compassion for other women who were struggling with infertility. Over the years the Lord has brought numerous women into my life to love on and support through their journey to motherhood. Early motherhood with Will was delightful. He was such a happy and easy baby, a literal dream come true. I was the envy of my other young-mom-friends because he was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old. He amazed us at an early age… but doesn’t everyone’s first child?

Will had an amazingly long attention span, even as a toddler. He would sit for hours watching an entire full-length Disney video, or playing with his blocks, or listening to us read to him. It seems he was created to study and focus deeply on things. It was a mere 16 months after his birth that Will started to randomly throw-up. At the time, since there didn’t seem to be a pattern and he never seemed upset or hurting when he got sick, it didn’t seem like there was anything really wrong with him. “Rotavirus” is what the doctor’s office said when we would call in on the nurse hotline. He was a sweet and easy baby.

Since I was working full-time for a bank running its commercial banker training program, Will shared a nanny with another family. His nanny, Maria, was from El Salvador and she began to get worried about “Gwill,” as she would pronounce his name, when he would randomly throw up. Despite her broken English and my pitiful Spanish, we were able to piece together that something wasn’t quite right. So, began several changes to his diet and beverages to see if it would make a difference. It took a couple more months of the periodic episodes and repeated calls to the nurse hotline at the pediatrician’s office before we started to notice Will’s weight loss.

It all came to a head on one particular day, when tears from Will were accompanied with a plea for me, Mama, to pick him up because he didn’t want to even walk. So, I did pick him up, and promptly put him in the car and we drove directly to his pediatrician’s office with no appointment. After a sob that “there is something wrong with my baby,” and a quick exam by one of the doctors, I was promptly told, in her Eastern European accent, that “we will find out what is wrong.” The
doctor made a couple of phone call and told me that I needed to get Will to the hospital as soon as possible.

Oh, the sight of Will in that metal crib crying was just heartbreaking, as was seeing Will endure the uncomfortable tests that they had to run. Will was fortunately assigned to David Bailey, MD,* a pediatric gastroenterology specialist*, to sort out his diagnosis. After three days of running tests, Dr. Bailey performed an endoscopy and colonoscopy to deliver to us the diagnosis that Will had Celiac Disease. A condition where the body doesn’t produce the enzymes to digest gluten proteins from wheat, oat, rye, and barley. Fortunately, the only treatment needed was for Will was to strictly follow a Gluten Free diet… for the rest of his life. Silly me initially thought that it would be, ‘no problem… we’ll just eat white bread not whole wheat anymore… that was joyful…but ooohhhhh, NOooooooo. I was quickly corrected by the dietician that any item containing even a trace of “gluten” had to be eliminated, or Will would throw-up and/or have diarrhea.

Let me tell you, back in early 1992 Celiac Disease and eating Gluten-free (GF) wasn’t well known and there weren’t easily available GF-foods. So, the switch was a painful and expensive experience for Will at home and… and then consider eating out with the initial cross-examining of the serving staff to get a safe meal for him. The multiple questions, trips to ask the chef about gluten free options were mortifying for Will, even in his early elementary school years. As an outcome of the diagnosis, I experienced the painful birthing of waiting on the Lord for answers and trusting that those answers would be filled with goodness and for my benefit. Scriptures tell us:

“But those who wait for the LORD [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] Will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]; They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired.”

Isaiah 40:31, Amplified version

and “5Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. [a]”

Proverbs 3:5-6

During this time, to make meals as ‘normal’ as possible for our family, I needed to develop various alternative items to substitute for the “glutenous” store-bought items. Homemade GF golden cream of mushroom soup was my first adaptation. Through the “pain” of celiac disease…another joy was birthed in me… a love for creative cooking that incorporated improvising like I never had to do before. It also “birthed” for me more empathy toward others who are required to follow a restricted diet. I shouldn’t have been surprised to find myself some 20 years later, in the same situation as Will, needing to adopt a GF diet to avoid breaking out in hives. Nowadays, I can’t eat gluten, or I’ll be itching from head to toe. If there was any doubt before, we know which side of the family Will inherited his Celiac Disease from, don’t we?

The diagnosis of Celiac Disease birthed in me a third outcome, a motivation for me to pursue a consulting career in financial training. Consulting work provided additional income for our ministry family but also allowed me the flexibility to keep the family’s schedule running. It was a painful process to let go of the golden handcuffs of a stable salaried job with benefits at a well-respected bank. The tradeoffs meant giving up financial security and a proven operating structure, for fluctuations and uncertainty in my income, which was compensated by greater operating freedom and time available for my family. As a consultant I could be there for Will’s games, Kate’s recitals, and key educational dates, all while continuing my career. And because Celiac disease helped birth my career, I had the opportunity to accumulate many Delta Airline miles and hotel points that provided the means for my family, and I to build many memories of enjoyable family travels around the US, across Europe and to the continent of Africa.

Just as important, my career allowed me to meet many amazing people around the globe, from North America, Mexico, across Western Europe, the Nordic countries, Poland, Russia, Uzbekistan, to Cairo, Dubai, Qatar, India, China, Singapore, Australia… Some of these folks have become precious friends.

Take my friend Anja… Bruce and I attended a decade birthday party for her and her partner Mark in Greenwich, England (just up the Thames River from London) at the Royal Observatory. Who could say “no” to that invite?

Or the blessing of knowing Lisa (a New Yorker) and her husband Jim (from Greece), whom I met through work in London, England but now live in Seminole, Florida. They have blessed us with; visits to their homes or in ours, and have had us over for New Year’s Eve and Jim’s citizenship celebration, given us one of Jim’s paintings of clouds and enjoyed the display of one he created specifically to recognize the pain of Will’s passing.

As a good work colleague and friend of mine Lisa Engley, from Massachusetts, often says… “God writes straight with crocked lines.” Yes, joyful relationships and a few perks were additional joys to this birth.

https://youtu.be/V0Byp7aK2DA

It was around 2 years after Will’s birth that, I became pregnant, on my own. I thought very proudly, ‘now my body knows how to do this’… But at the 16 week mark, during my first sonogram, I found out that the baby had no heartbeat. Bruce was out of town on a business trip when I found out so went running to a friend in our Bible study group for moral support. The pain of grief from the loss of that baby was profound for me. This time joy of our second child’s creation was quickly followed by pain… the lost opportunity to successfully birth that child. So, instead of ‘birthing’ a second child, It birthed a painful awareness of a mother’s loss from a miscarriage. Miscarriages are something that many women experience and it wasn’t really talked about back in the early 1990’s. Even today, the pain from it generally goes unrecognized. Since that time, I have lost count of the dozens of women that God has bought into my life, who have lost children before they could take even one breath. What was birthed in me was yet another a lesson in being hopeful and waiting on the Lord. It was the opportunity to acknowledge the loss, love for, and the support of both spouses. But as I had learned before… birthing does usually lead to yet another birth. During my miscarriage pain there was also the background pain of Bruce’s ministry discernment process that I called “the seminary thing.” “The seminary thing” was a time when my husband was deciding whether or not to go back to graduate school and become a Presbyterian pastor. It was also during this time that I needed to process why I had a lot of pain when I considered leaving the home of my dreams… that was located near my parents in my hometown of Orlando, Florida. For selfish and insecurity/financial security reasons, I really didn’t want Bruce to leave his well-paid career in IT and I didn’t want to leave delightful central Florida, I didn’t want to become a family who lived in a “stain- glass-house” under congregational and community scrutiny… maybe in the wilds of Alaska or somewhere else that I didn’t’ really want to live. So, in the midst of my miscarriage grief, I “made a deal with God,” (Yes, I know, how arrogant that sounds, but it’s true) that I would support Bruce’s career change into the ministry if He would:

1) Bless us with another child,

2) Give us a house to live in that would allow us to keep our black Labrador retriever ‘Annie”, and

3) Make it possible that I didn’t have to go back to work full-time. Since one birth usually leads to another, God must have laughed at my short list…and moved toward more birthing for me to do.

From the discernment process Bruce “felt called” to go to seminary at a place called the University of Dubuque, of all places, in Dubuque, Iowa… which ended up offering us a stand- alone house with three bedrooms and allowed pets. Bruce was also granted the one Presidential Scholarship for his entering class, which included full-tuition, rental of our single-family home, and a monthly stipend. Dubuque’s program also give him credit for a year of graduate PhD work that he completed at another university…and low and behold… about 6 months after losing my second child, I was given the joyful news that we were expecting another child. The painful “birthing” of letting go of my plans… yes, it is painful for God to pry our hands open to let good of something good for something great. I learned that I had to let go of some things in order to receive God’s abundant provisions according to His will. It birthed again the lesson of being obedient to Him for the direction He had for our lives. We were blessed with wonderful years in Dubuque and established relationships with people there that are still strong today. Read below again, this time from the Amplified Version of the Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6.

“Trust in and rely confidently on the LORD with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]”

Proverbs 3:5-6

https://youtu.be/eBg9jHQtE44

Our daughter Katherine Morgan Hedgepeth, 7lb 6 oz., arrived, on the evening of November 9 th , 1993, in Dubuque, Iowa, three months after moving there for Bruce to begin summer Greek class. Kate, the ever so organized and scheduled one, arrived one day early and in a hurry… 13 minutes after we got to Finley Hospital, only 3 blocks from our house… uphill on Bennet Street. In Kate’s literal birthing there was intense pain, because I delivered her without receiving nary an aspirin… while the nurse midwife struggled to get her gloves and “slicker” on… while yelling at me, “Did your other baby have a head full of dark hair?… Don’t push!” Well, the joy of her safe delivery way out shone the pain of that all-natural delivery. From the birthing of Kate… we have even more joy because of getting to name her after one of my grandmothers. Kate’s life has brought about the joy of additions to our family with her sweet husband Brett, and our grandson, Walker. He’ll be three years old at the end of this month.

One birth leads to yet another. It was soon after the time of Kate’s birth that I met a wonderful contemplative, prophetic, artistic, fantastic mom, devout follower of Christ and now published author, named Susan Marie Doyle-Miller. Four-year-olds, Will and Maria, Susan’s oldest daughter, were in Kindermusic together when we started to share our lives and faith with one another.

Through my relationship with Susan, God birthed in me an awareness of the powerful, passionate, and propelling presence of the Holy Spirit. Experiencing the fullness of God through Susan’s person, writing and art, it opened my mind and heart to meeting and experiencing the movement of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has drawn me toward an appreciation for various classic spiritual disciplines as well as a greater freedom to be with God. This increasing freedom with God led Bruce and me to meet and establish dear friendships with believers from Northern Ireland. These numerous relationships, that are over twenty-years-old now, have been pivotal fuel for me to coordinate and speak at women’s retreats for more than 15 years. These retreats have birthed powerful loving and healing experiences and many blessings for hundreds of women as well as me.

The pain and joy of “birthing” continued when yet, another ‘birthing’ came during Will’ freshman year of high school when he was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. The autoimmune condition effecting the entire digestive tract where one’s body believes it is a foreign invader and it tries to eat away at itself. He was 5’ 1” tall and 79 lbs. when he collapsed on the 2005 Presidents Day weekend. Because he was in so much pain and was so incredibly weak from weight and blood loss that he couldn’t hardly stand… so playing his ice hockey goalie position in the scheduled tournament wasn’t going to happen. Yes, you heard me… an ice hockey goalie living in Florida. Did you know that “William” in Old-English means staunch defender? So, playing the position of Goalie was perfect fit for him.

Fast forward through Will’s high-school and college years, where his disease required him to take various oral and injectable medications to manage his painful IBD flare-ups and to ensure his physical growth continued. It was Will’s amazing Orlando, FL, pediatric endocrinologist, Dr. Richard Banks, M.D., who discovered that the medication for Crohn’s disease was stunting Will’s growth. It was Dr. Bank’s letter to our insurance company that swayed them to approve hormone injections for a year that helped Will to eventually grow to be six feet tall. Will endured the further discomfort of colonoscopies, and inspection of his private parts, along with questions about the color of his bowel moments, “are they green, brown, yellow, red?”…and remember how he thought that having to ask for gluten-free food accommodations at restaurants as mortifying! With all Will’s health challenges… and my guestimate of a couple hundred hours spent as a patient in doctors’ offices… the diseases ultimately “birthed” in Will the desire to major in biology and minor in chemistry…with the goal to apply and get into medical school.

What joy it was to see Will walk across the stage to receive his doctoral stole and put on the long doctor’s white coat. After four years of medical school, Will was “matched” in his first-choice residency program in Internal Medicine-the gateway residency that would lead him to his goal to earn one of the few coveted spots in a fellowship program for Interventional Cardiology. The painful firsthand medical experience Will had all through his life did birth in him the knowledge and desire to diagnosis and treat physical diseases. He had lots of personal knowledge and insights to health care that he could apply. After all the hours of hard work and painful tests and procedures, a new doctor was “birthed” to help heal a hurting world.

Fast forward another three years, to early in 2019 when Bruce and I decided to move back to Sarasota, FL. Bruce transitioned from traditional church pastoral leadership to a unique position with a global ministry organization called Young Life. Bruce was selected to lead a ministry unit called Expeditions, that coordinates the short-term mission trips in 22 country Latin America and Caribbean countries. Many of you know his passion for leading mission trips in Guatemala, Mexico, Haiti, and Nicaragua.

Our move to Sarasota marked the first-time in his ministry career when we could choose where we wanted to live. The week we moved back to Sarasota, when Will was 4 months away from finishing his final year of residency… was scoring at the top of his class in clinical and diagnostic exams, and was ready to decide about the next chapter of his medical career…. Will crashed.

This physical crash was much more devastating than the literal one he had about a year before, when he fell asleep at 4:00 am driving to the hospital, to conduct his scheduled rounds. That crash, when he ran into a palm tree with his leased Acura, that ended up being a legal mess to manage because Will was underinsured, only yielded facial abrasions, a concussion, and a totaled car.

Will’s most serious crash was his diagnosis with stage IV cancer of the small bowel, adenocarcinoma, which had already spread throughout his abdomen. After his initial surgery, Will moved back home with Bruce and me to Sarasota and we journeyed together through a cancer battle for the next 18 months…

During those months, the three of us revised our food options even more, negotiated palatable menus, and tested the digestibility of different beverages through bouts of chemotherapy nausea. We strategized Will’s care for the most comfortable post-surgical recovery possible. We learned how to start and stop IV pumps, swapping out bags of refrigerated liquid nutrition (TPN) and highly monitored and strictly administered intense pain medication dosing, ultimately…

We laid next to Will, said a final in-person ‘I love you’ …. heard him utter the same precious words in reply… then hugged, kissed, and held his hands… while we released him into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.

Instead of having Will for the 6-9 months that the doctors had originally projected at his diagnosis… we had Will with us twice as long. Will’s cancer diagnosis did birth an amazing opportunity for him to use his medical knowledge to advocate for himself, right up to the day he physically left us… He stayed with us longer because of it… it has been a devastatingly beautiful journey for us….

So, it has been through Will’s battle with cancer that I birthed not only a renewed appreciation for caregivers but also the value of spending your life doing what brings you joy and leaves you with no regrets. Not three months after Will passed, I helped my dad navigate his final weeks with congestive heart failure under hospice care, into eternal life. Today, as I complete the writing of this entry, I am in the hospital room with my mother. I have been here with her for three weeks, praying, advocating, communicating, encouraging, feeding, bathing… serving her with the gifts that prior “birthing’s” have taught me. One birth leads to another… and yet another.

I wouldn’t have made it through Will’s journey without my faith, surrounded by the support of dear family and friends, and the blessing of writing frequently on the Caringbridge website. We established the on-line site in Will’s name, to keep people updated on his status in an efficient way. Caringbridge was an amazing vehicle that we used to share, with hundreds of friends and colleagues, the basics of Will’s health updates, our faithful hope for Will’s recovery, and at times, the immense pain that we were experiencing.

https://youtu.be/S5tGdzyeRYc

God promises to bless and heal the broken-hearted. Susan Marie Doyle-Miller once told me. “We write to heal, because it is our right to heal.” Through the “birthing pains” of losing Will, writing became an important part of my grief healing process… I have felt called to share Will’s courageous story, to honor his life by keeping his memory alive, to continue to heal my own grief, and to encourage others to look for God’s movement in their everyday lives. Because of this call the website On Parallel Paths began in January of 2022. I have felt encouraged to look, listen, and write, in order to share the insights that God desires and for the joy of His healing.

In Matthew 5:3-4, the scriptures tell us:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
NIV (New International Version translation)
Another way this is written is “Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.”
GW (God’s Word translation)

And in vs. 4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

When we realize that all we are and all we have is from God, and without God we are less and likely helpless; when we realize that with God’s help and strength we can let go of earthly concerns and allow Him to move us, in such a way, that we are put in the middle of His will and in possession of His kingdom.

Even through all the grief and pain of the past three years, I know that God loves me, guides me, comforts me, and blesses me. He is willing to be there through all of our pains of birthing, of losing, and in the joy of creating someone or something. God blesses us with the opportunity to ‘birth’ many things as well as precious human souls.
https://youtu.be/OYdtiLkd2FU

To God be the glory! AMEN

• Dr. David Bailey excelled in his career, to become the CEO of Nemours Children’s Hospital. Dr. Bailey retired in 2018 just months before Will was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the small bowel. I read about Dr. Bailey’s retirement in the local Jacksonville paper and googled to see if it was the same Dr. Bailey from our Orlando days with Will. Sure enough… I wrote a congratulatory email to tell him how much his care meant to our family and of Will’s accomplishments to become a doctor and in his residency plans. Because of the message, I was asked by his executive assistant to video a surprise message to Dr. Bailey recounting his professional care and relationship with Will from 25 years before. The plan was to compile numerous messages to play during Dr. Bailey’s retirement celebration. It was a real honor to get to ‘brag’ on Dr. Bailey’s compassion, professional excellence, humility, playfulness, and the support he showed to our family. Our family was blessed during Will’s 18 month-long cancer journey by Dr. Bailey and his loyal former staff, who sent words of encouragement and eventually sympathy to our family. That initial Celiac diagnosis was hard for our entire family, but over the decades it blessed us in so many ways.

Sitting here in the hospital with my Mama, for her forth visit and third admission since February, I feel numb. I don’t think it is only because of the average five hours of sleep I’ve been getting each night, instead of the 8-9 hours I am used to… Or, that it’s been over a week and a half since I arrived in Orlando to be with her. I don’t think it is just the cold temperatures in the room or the Heart Cath-Lab waiting area that have chilled me to the bone. Or, that I have weary brain cells from participating in important legal, personal care, and procedural decisions. Certainly, all the above must be contributing to my numbness. However, I think the biggest factor is knowing that the end result of this hospital admission could very well be yet another heartbreaking loss. Based on God’s will, it maybe not imminently, but since Mama is 88, she eventually, won’t be with us.  

https://youtu.be/1CH5QaYzinI

We all know that everyone eventually dies. It’s a fact of life that whoever is born will die.  

King Solomon affirms this reality in Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 from the Torah and Bible. There are seasons in life for everything.

“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This physical reality is well memorialized by the famous quote from Benjamin Franklin, when penning a letter to French scientist Jean-Baptiste Leroy in 1789, “…but, in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” I believe this is a realistic but fatalistic perspective. The quote just doesn’t give me any comfort… does it for you? 

It isn’t death that concerns me. I believe that I am being honest when I say that I am not afraid of death. I’ll credit my faith for the fact that I know that there is eternal life waiting for me. I know I will be able to experience our almighty God in a whole new way, that the pressures and pain of this world will no longer impact me, and that I’ll be reunited with loved ones who passed on before me. Scriptures tell us a little bit more of what eternal life will be like:

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,’ and there will be no moredeath or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” 5And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then He said, “Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.”

Revelation 12:4-5

¹¹ Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. ¹² In a loud voice they were saying:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
    to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
    and honor and glory and praise!” 

¹³ Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying:

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
    be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!”

Revelation 5:11-13

“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.”

John 5:24

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ^a ; believe also in me. 2My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 14:1-4

No, I am not afraid to die because I know that it will be amazing! I am counting on great music, great food, and great conversations. Ruth, a friend of our family, and mother of one of Bruce’s closest prayer partners told her son, Keith… just moments before she passed away… “Tell them it is all true!” 

https://youtu.be/PG7cwW_QiAM

No, I am not afraid of death… However, based on what I have experienced in my life, it is the process of reaching old age and dying that has me most concerned. Years ago, I experienced the pain and suffering of this process of aging and passing away when I began to lose my grandparents. The last of my grandparents to pass was in 2001. My Mimi lived to be 100 years and three months old… she out-lived her tombstone that my grandfather had carved decades before. After her name it read, “1901-19   “. Yes, at the time we had a “Y2K problem” as I reported to my dad. Since we were blessed to live close to Mimi most of those years, I had lots of opportunities to watch the aging process firsthand. As it turned out, I was the first family member to be with her after she passed.  Years later, I had “the experience” continue during the cancer journey and passing of our son Will in November of 2020, closely followed by the loss of my father, Ed, in February 2021… with the same diagnosis that my Mama has now… congestive heart failure. That’s why it is numbing for me to see yet another person that I love struggling for life. I find that it is taking a lot of courage just to show-up at the hospital every day. 

So, I sit here at a huge hospital in Orlando on a cardiac intervention floor, watching my Mama try to sleep. Both of her arms are discolored from the numerous sites where IV’s are or have been. Her skin coloring and the look in her eyes isn’t what I’ve known it to be for the past 60+ years. Every sound is startling to her… and if you’ve spent any time in a hospital as a patient or a visitor you know that there are constant noises in the hall and people coming and going from you room asking you the same questions over and over. Questions like… “How are you feeling?”, “Are you having any pain?” “When was the last time you took a walk?” “Do you have a preferred finger for us to use to check your blood sugar?” “Where would you like your insulin shot, stomach or arm?” “What did you do before you retired?”… And of course, there is the series of eating and bathroom questions that I don’t think I need to share with you. (Oh, my!! :o)

Yes, facing the deterioration of one’s body, with increasing limitations on your everyday activities, seems incredibly difficult, and requires a lot of courage.

Courage to allow the hospital staff to help you shower, use the bathroom, sit up in bed, and walk.

Courage to help get in and out of those embarrassing hospital gowns, that don’t really cover much of your body… particularly if physical therapy requires you to practice walking in the halls.

Courage to embrace the time to contemplate leaving people behind that you love… wondering what will happen in their lives after you aren’t around anymore and pondering if there be any way in heaven for you to know how their lives turn out.  

Courage to wake up and not know what day of the week it is and being humble enough to ask.

Courage to speak up for yourself when you want neither to speak on the phone to your closest friends and family (don’t dare turn on that FaceTime option!) nor allow in any visitors… because you don’t know what to say when you feel so poorly and have nothing good to say.

Courage to pass the endless hours of boredom waiting on tests, diagnoses, next-step plans for your care… asking about the risks and possible outcomes of procedures, and where will the after-hospital care take place, and who will provide it, and what will it all cost…

Courage to reflect on your doctor’s question of what you’ve done with your life… and courage to face whatever you believe is unfinished business… And then to take those unfinished business thoughts and form a to-do list, so that you can entrust their completion to your personal representative/trustee…this past week+ has included updating a will, writing donation checks to worthy causes, requests for Father’s Day cards, and details to make a memorial contribution for a friend’s husband’s passing…

Courage to hear your doctors talk about the trajectory of your health, usually in third person, as they try to balance physical improvements with risks that could lead to end-of-life consequences… then roaming the hall to ask for a new Kleenex box to replace the box that you used up, weeping over the possibilities.

https://youtu.be/LJoABwNMzvM

The Apostle Paul wrote:

 …² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God.³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:2-5

It is hope that give us courage. It takes so much courage just to live a normal, healthy, and productive life in this day and time, don’t you agree? Consider all you and your loved ones have been through in the past few years! What challenged have required you to step up your courage? 

I’ve learned that it takes even more courage to face these kinds of challenges when your health wanes. As my Mama is known to say, “there is no glory in growing old.” I see now how she came to this conclusion. Another conclusion that I am beginning to embrace in the process of aging and facing your own or a loved ones passing, is that there are so many opportunities to grow through the challenges… As the Lord said to Joshua when he led the Israelites into the Promised Land:

⁷ “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

Joshua 1:7

Here are a few of the opportunities that the challenges from this past week have blessed me with:

Opportunities to strengthen patience muscles. Waiting for a nurse or aid to come help with bathroom duties or for the day’s procedure to take place.  

Opportunities to practice expressing thankfulness to the dedicated healthcare team that is serving you. 

Opportunities to give support to other patients and their families who are walking a similar path… I’ve met Kevin after his open-heart surgery and found out that he, too, has lost a son… and there was Melvin I met one night after 8:00 PM in the elevator between floors 8 and the lobby… Will was right when he said “Mom, you’ll talk to anyone!” Melvin had been visiting his 49 year-old wife who had suffered 6 strokes and now can’t speak or move. 

Opportunities to embrace the “hospital time warp” to listen to God’s quiet voice of love and compassion during the long hours of waiting.

Opportunities to spend extended time with my sisters Ginny and Susan, as we hang-out with Mama, reminiscing about family and laughing/crying through Hallmark movies.

Opportunities to clean out an overstuffed heart and soul of those “non-eternal” concerns and trivial hurts, in order focus on what is more important.

So many opportunities with life’s challenges.

https://youtu.be/n9ADmooylWQ

So, I ask you for prayers for my Mama’s health this week. Friday, 6/10/22 at 10 AM is currently scheduled to be Mama’s angioplasty and stint day. May her kidneys, that are currently weak, and could be compromised in the process, hold up to the procedure.  Without the surgery she stands little chance of getting any better, so after many pharmaceutical changes, the doctors feel this is the best way to now try to help her.  Would you pray also for courage and open eyes, so that I can appreciate the opportunities for growth that Gods has for me and my family during these challenging times.

https://youtu.be/ReNA46SbAX8

Song on earth as it is in heaven—-Red Rock with words

Blessings,

Cindy

When having some morning devotional time on October 12, 2021 in Fish Creek, Wisconsin, up in the lovely Door County peninsula between Lake Michigan and Green Bay, I read an insightful message from Sarah Young‘s book, Jesus Today. It was a message of focus/perspective. To paraphrase the message, if you were to stand on the edge of the ocean (God’s presence), bend down to pick up a “pebble” (a problem or concern), and hold that “pebble” close to your face to examine it, then you would miss out on the beautiful view of the ocean, as it fades into the background. The focus on a problem or concern would obscure your opportunity to see God in the beauty of your life.

https://youtu.be/gz-0TUbkbVE

Serendipitously, the day I read this meditation was the same day that Bruce and I headed out on a bike ride and to sprinkle some of Will’s ashes along the rocky shoreline of Tennison Bay, inside Peninsula State Park. For over 50 years the extended Hedgepeth family has visited this park on the edge of Green Bay, first with Bruce, his parents Bob and Eenie, and his sister Linda; later the visits included our children, Linda’s husband Colin, Colin’s children, Cindy’s parents, some of Pop and Eenie’s long-time friends, and Pop’s current wife Jan.

Somewhere between six to ten of us would bike together and stop at numerous places along the bike trail to skip stones in the water. Bike riding for the Hedgepeth clan up in Door County was always at break-neck speed, through the beautiful state park. Let me tell you, those Hedgepeth’s were serious cyclists and, even as a young adult, I would struggle to not be left behind as they dashed up the steep paths that ran up along the cliffs of Green Bay. So, my memories of the stone-skipping time was where I appreciated getting to catch my breath, enjoy the bay views and count the number of stone skips by my guys. Will and Bruce loved to skim stones on the shoreline… to see who could have the most skips and skim their stone the furthest. In summer or fall, whenever our family was able, we would travel from Florida up to this far away, holy, and precious place, to spend uninterrupted time together and build memories. With Will now gone, I look back and I am so very glad that we took every photo that we did and that we built scrapbooks with every memory that we captured.  Here are a few.

1994

1997

1999

2000

So, on that cool, overcast October day in 2021, after part of our bike ride through the park, we paused so I could catch my breath and Bruce could collect and skip stones. I have to say that Bruce was a bit out of practice… three skips were the best he could manage. But that didn’t matter as we shared the time there on the rocky shore remembering Will and our special times on this favorite place by the bay. 

Remembering my Jesus Today morning’s devotion, I gazed out on the cove of the bay, and picked up a rather plain, small stone to examine it. I held it to my face and watched as the bigger picture of the muted beauty of Green Bay around me disappeared.  

.  

“I held it to my face and watched as the bigger picture of the muted beauty of Green Bay around me disappeared. ‘ 

Yes, I can appreciate Sarah Young’s “pebble” example. I know from personal experience that when I examine my problems, pain, and struggles too closely for too long that it does indeed cause me to lose my perspective of God’s beautiful world and His awesome power. Likewise, in my grief and pain of losing Will, I could easily lose the perspective of how God provided for us and allowed us, as a family, to travel for decades to create beautiful memories in that special place. I would not have been able to stand on that shoreline and feel the joy, love, and grief that I felt if it weren’t for God’s faithfulness to our extended family. Yes, I ached for Will so much… what a joy it would be to have seen him skimming stones with Bruce that day or to hear him laughing with Kate as he agitated her to race their bikes along the trails. As the anniversary of Will’s passing was almost upon us… I celebrated the eternal perspective of Will’s total healing and frequent wellbeing that God has allowed me to have… thanks to His salvation and love. 

Thinking of stones reminds me of several passages in the Old Testament. The first is from the book of Genesis 35:9-15, where Jacob met God, who changed Jacob’s name to Israel, and he set up a rock to mark the very spot. Likewise, when the Israelites, under the direction of Joshua, after they crossed the Jordan River on dry ground (24:1-28) and established a covenant with the Lord. In both examples, stones were stacked to memorialize something very important.  Stones were placed so that they could stand as a tangible reminder, for generations, that our God is faithful… that He will provide… that He will protect… that He will guide… that He is good.  Yes, promises of faithfulness, provision, protection, and guidance. God, in return, expects this faithfulness to be reciprocated. I personally need reminders of this as much as the Israelites did.  I know that having Christ as my Savior is one thing but to trust Him enough to be the Lord of my everyday life… well, that is an entirely different thing. To appreciate the beauty and perspective that God can give me of my life, which requires me to monitor where I allow my focus to rest. It is so easy for me to keep the eyes of my heart focused on my grief or the questions I have about how God wants me to use my time in the future, instead of keeping my focus on God.

“…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.” Philippians 4:8  

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” 

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Did you know that stones and rocks are mentioned over 50 times throughout scripture? If these “stones” were combined they would create one large and durable structure… a reminder for us to always look to God as our strength, stability, provision, and hope. After all, he established that perspective with a promise to Jacob and Joshua many generations ago… His promises to us today are just a firm… as firm as stone. 

https://youtu.be/YihKbG8-X3U

Garden Tomb in Jerusalem from Google Search on the Internet. Photo credits Jason Van Camp and Ned Beasley, respectively.

Camp and Ned Beasley, respectively.

Given that today is Easter Monday, as we Christ followers refer to it, it’s another reason to think of another specific 2 ton stone… one that was that was rolled away.  After Christ was crucified, dead and buried, He fought with Satin and beat him, took all our sins off our shoulders, and was raised from the dead, so that we could spend eternal life with Him. The stone represents a barrier of death from life. Focusing on the stone brings thoughts of death, heaviness, a sad final closure. But in Christ’s case and therefore in ours, the stone was rolled away… it is removed… there is nothing in the way anymore. Death could not hold Him in the grave. Thanks be to God for the love, power, faithfulness, and hope that He wants us to see. Won’t you come look with me at the beauty in our lives and “stack up stones” of remembrance of God’s love, provision, hope, guidance, and… ? Yes, Thanks be to God!

https://youtu.be/r5L6QlAH3L4

(I began writing this entry while with Bruce on an RV road trip last fall, to the upper Midwest. I want to dedicate it to Diane Slaughter, who shared with us her reluctance to deal with the literal roots in nature, as well as to all of us who have struggled along the hard path of life. Given that this is the week of St. Patrick’s Day, I also want to raise a word of praise and likely will raise a glass to toast all the family heritages represented by you, the readers on On Parallel Paths. From Latin America, to the US, to the UK, across continental Europe, to Africa-welcome Nairobi!, to Egypt and across the Middle East. While my genetic DNA has an abundance of English (Morgan/Harper/Sherrod), Scots-Irish (Gilliland/Cammack) and Western European (Kosier), yes you could call us mutts :)… I am taking time this week to give thanks for those who have raised me and for the unique attributes that I carry within me because of those who have come before me. Join me in celebrating your unique ‘roots’ both genealogically and spiritually.)

While walking with my husband Bruce in Old Stone Fort State Archeological Park, in Tennessee yesterday, the roots on the trail grabbed (literally) my attention. We’re not talking about just a few exposed roots like you see at the base of oak trees here in the South, but many roots. Stepping between them cautiously, we followed the park’s main archeological trail along the escarpment between the Duck and Little Duck Rivers. We picked our way along and amongst the ancient remaining walls of this 50-acre tract, totally fascinated by what is believed-to-be a sacred ritual area made by prehistoric Native Americans. If you like to hike, you know that exposed roots, under the canopy of oak trees in the fall, damp after a rain, can make for challenging hiking terrain. You need to be alert to avoiding tripping over or slipping on the roots. A twisted ankle or a fall flat on your face has a way of wrecking your outing.

It is commonly known that roots are the means by which a tree gets it nutrients and the “foundation structure” by which a tree is held securely in the ground. A tree’s root system starts as very thin threads of living matter, ever so slowly enlarging as it creeps down through the soil channeling essential water and minerals up to the tree for its growth. A tree’s roots often reflect the system of branches and limbs that are seen above the surface of the earth. Roots are essential for the life of a tree. Except for a few trees that I have seen here in Florida, like Mangroves and Cypress, I usually don’t see the extensive root system of most trees.

To my surprise when I used “the Google”, to research more about trees and their roots,  I found BOBSCAPEING at bobscaping.com,  the website that shared a list of quite a few trees that can grow with their roots exposed. Bob explains in his writing that “Some of the tree species that are notorious for producing surface roots are those that grow quickly…and…Many of these are trees that tend to tolerate adverse growing conditions. Their propensity for producing surface roots aids in their survival in such situations. Environmental factors play an important role in the growth of surface roots. They are common when a tree is grown in hard, compacted clay soil or in areas where the soil is saturated with water frequently. Roots tend to grow where they find the most favorable conditions: adequate water, air, and nutrients. In poor growing conditions, the most favorable place is often close to the soil surface. Also, erosion can expose a tree’s lateral roots.”

From ancient Judeo-Christian scripture we learn in Jeremiah 17:7-8 about the blessings of letting our roots of faith grow down deep in the soil of God’s love. 

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” 

Yes, here in this beautiful and fascinating state park, there are the roots of Silver Maple and River Birch, visibly growing long and wide in the shallow terrain, that sits on top of limestone rock and a smidgeon of soil, on the banks between two rivers.  Jeremiah’s words ‘expose the root’ of a whole new meaning to me. 

The roots along this path remind me of how challenging life can be, to hold on to our “faith-footing” during really difficult situations. You too, have likely had times where you feel like you’re getting a bit low on the soil of your faith, and you are struggling to hold on to God’s promises from God’s Word…promises like…

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

…then why do I feel so lonely?…Why is everything in my life so hard right now?

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7…

“Then why didn’t you heal our son, God?…why did my grandmother have to die so young?…how come I didn’t get the promotion at work?”

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jerimiah 29:11…

“Then why was my job the one that was eliminated?… “then why is it taking me so long to get pregnant?”…”then why do I have to deal with these kinds of health problems?”

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” 

Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT…

“Then why am I still confused about what to do with my life?

https://youtu.be/EqsnGE3_dsg

So, I return to the scripture from Jeremiah 17:7-8 about roots so that I can get my head and heart around what God’s Word might be trying to say to me. Let’s reflect on it phrase by phrase.

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him….” If I want to be walking in God’s blessings and promises, then I have been approaching life the wrong way for most of my 6 decades. I must confess that my confidence has often been placed in my own ability and efforts…according to scriptures that has been a misplaced confidence that I need to repent of. Maybe a big reason I have missed out of some of God’s blessings, such as peace and contentment is because I have relied on my own self sufficiency, instead anchoring and stabilizing myself by resting solely in the Lord. That is what trust and faith is all about, isn’t it?

…”He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.” By tapping more into God’s word and drawing deep from His peace through time meditating on His goodness, love, and grace, God can work in me so my roots of faith to go deeper. Opening my eyes to what God wants to show me and listening for more of what He wants to reveal to me, can help my roots run toward Him. Maybe this is why I haven’t been consistently filled with the “nutrients” that are available to help me thrive and become all that Christ wants me to be.

 …“It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” The presence of my fears and worries are evidence that my “roots” are still in the process of “growing down” and I need to lean in the Lord, and consciously put my trust in Him. Then, He can direct me in ways to let my faith and love of Him shine forth. It is by His work that I’ll bear fruit, not by my own efforts alone. By saying something like, “I need your help Jesus.” Or “Lord, I know you can help me.”, He take away my fears and guide the ways I live and work and contribute to society.  Having those deep and stable roots means that the fruit of my faith can abound and bless others. 

Hey, but wait a minute….what about the biological tree facts that we learned….that there are trees that not only “survive” in hard time but “thrive” because their “roots grow quickly when the environment around them is hard, harsh, unyielding.?” Roots can grow strong if “there is enough air, water, and nutrients…often near the surface is where the conditions are most favorable.”  Can you relate at all to having a growth time, despite harsh conditions? I can begrudgingly attest to the fact that my roots of faith have grown longer and wider when I have had to traverse life roughest terrain. Aside of my eleven years of writing and delivering women’s retreat messages, the process and content of writing for Will’s cancer journey on the Caringbridge site was the closest I have come to having my “roots exposed” during a season of great difficulty. Sure, before Will’s journey there was some relational heartbreaks, infertility to deal with, huge decision about leaving a home and lifestyle that was very comfortable for Bruce to go into the ministry, rough patches with certain congregations that Bruce served. But, through it all, I know that God has used these “digging deep times” to write my faith story, to support me in surviving the loss of Will, to bring about in me growth and strength, that I didn’t know I had. I can only pray that the words from my “roots” are pleasing to the Lord, bring Him glory, and draw others to Him, as I focus more and more on His love and promises to me.

This pondering about God using the hard times “to grow me” points to another favorite promise from God that I hold fast to as a part of my spiritual foundation. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a]have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

https://youtu.be/ZyfUdwGBjtk

This scripture was given to me on a plaque by Bruce for Christmas when we first began dating, about six months after each of us were “dumped” by our respective prior significant others. It was one of the first scriptures that I adopted as a young adult and is one that I still cling to today. How do we survive? How do we do more and actually thrive? Just like the roots on the banks of the river there at Old Stone Fort State Archeological Park, in Tennessee. When the soil of life appears thin… when strong winds blow… when there seems like there won’t be enough provision to meet my hunger and thirst… I will trust in God to enable me to cling to Him… I will cling to his promises of love and provision that will meet my needs… no matter what.

Thanks be to God. 

For a blessing today listen here to the generational story about a family and their special tree. 

https://youtu.be/vvNKYN8segY

Please pardon the delay in sending this journal entry to you, with all the English 101 errors you may find. While my intent was that you would receive this before Valentine’s Day, I think the message is just as relevant, if not more so, this week. I started writing this edition the day after the last journal was released at the end of January, but as you will read below, life has a way of putting us where we need to be… that doesn’t really comply with our plans. So, this edition comes to you from the Dominican Republic, Advent Health-Winter Park, and Westminster Winter Park, quite delayed and without my typical editor assistance. 

This is Valentine’s week…the week we celebrate love. Hallmark movies and Russell Stover’s candies focus on romantic love for February 14th, but as I have been repeatedly reminded by life’s events, this week is a reminder to celebrate  ‘love’ on any day.

Just last week, when I was with my sister’s, celebrating Mom’s 88th birthday, Mom shared with me how she remembered Grandmother Morgan telling her that “you shouldn’t use the word ‘love’ when you talk about things, like…a piece of clothing or a special dessert. You can only say you ‘love’ a person or another living creature, like your dog or cat.”  I don’t remember how Mom and I started this conversation about ‘love’, but it started me thinking about I use of the word ‘love’… incorrectly according to Grandmother Morgan… likely every single day.  “I love that idea!”  “I’d love to go with you for a walk.” “Don’t you love the way those banana zucchini muffins turned out.” “I love my job.” “I love my home.” “I love yoga.”  And on and on. We use the word ‘love’ frequently and in many different contexts here in the US. Can you relate?  But based on Grandmother Morgan’s definition, I started to mentally make a list of who I love…and why. This pondering reminded me of a popular portion of scripture that you likely have heard read at a wedding:

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13  

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails… ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When I went through my list, sure enough, many reasons I feel loved by others is based on what they have done to bless me; their kindness, patience, well-meaning support, optimism, lack of antagonism, empathy, faithfulness/steadfastness, and acceptance. Based on my list, I reflected on myself and asked if I consistently love others based on these very same attributes. The answer is that I often fail at this beautiful definition of God’s love.  I quickly became convicted… I can get frustrated easily, I can tend to hold on to hurts, I get easily angered while driving in traffic…and so on.  My looking in the mirror is painful.

Here is a personal example of something that happened as I was literally writing this part of the journal entry. It was February 11^th and I was sitting on the balcony of one of the lodges at Young Life’s Dominican Republic’s camp, named Pico Escondido, typing this blog on my computer, blissfully appreciating the view overlooking the valley of the camp, enjoying the cool breeze and bright sunshine.  This lovely spot was outside of the private en suite room where Bruce and I were fortunately placed as we took part in leadership, action team meetings and a celebration for Bruce’s Latin American and Caribbean region (LAC).  I say fortunately because most of the conference attendees were assigned a twin bunkbed in a room with at least five other people sharing a communal bathroom. I was literally typing away when Bruce came rushing out of our room to tell me (and he was quite out of breath, because of climbing up all the dozens of steps to reach our lodge) that we needed to quickly pack all our things and be ready to move to a different room on the other side of the camp.  The request came to make our room available to someone who had just tested positive for COVID-19 and needed to be isolated from the rest of camp. The first response that came to my mind was unfortunately not…”Oh, poor Paul. I am so sorry that he tested positive for COVID and now needs to change all his travel plans. Or “How unfortunate that he’ll have to sit by himself all alone in that room for days before he is allowed out and to travel home.” Or “I am so happy to be the ones to give up the private space and join another room so he can rest and get well.” 

Ohhhhh, nooooo… there was indeed grumbling in my spirit and showing on my face. The first thoughts going through my head, in about five seconds were, “What a pain to have to pack up all my stuff and stagger/’schlep’ it all down the dozens of winding steps, across a sport playing field/pitch and up another dozens sets of steps, to a new room on the other side the mountain!” “I was really enjoying the quiet privacy of our room and bath.”  “I don’t want to try to sleep while hearing others snoring and dealing with having to wait on other people to use a dirty bathroom.”  About this time in my thoughts, I paused, took a deep breath, and had to laugh at myself…”Oh, yes, Lord, I get it!   I see what you’re doing. I was just literally typing the related scripture about your kind of love and you delivered a great learning lesson to me… right between the eyes.”  Then I remembered the scripture thoughts ‘love is patient and kind, love isn’t angry, love trusts, love is not arrogant or rude, love does not keep a count of wrongs” I then asked myself, “How would I want to be treated if I were in Paul’s situation?“  “What do I need to do to be loving as God would want me to be.” I needed to let my frustration and selfishness go, and be gracious.” 

https://youtu.be/uuJ8mN0QWHc

So, I took a deep breath and began to pack up our things as quickly as possible. While I couldn’t completely turn off my problem solving/’how can I make this not so bad’ mindset, I asked Bruce if there was anyone who could help us carry our things down the side of the mountain we were on and up the other side. Being as sweet as Bruce is, I think he likely turned his head away from me when he rolled his eyes.  (BTW, Bruce still sported a nice 3 inch-long-bruise on his hip after gallantly carrying my bags up the mountain just 30 hours before. Talk about patience and kindness…however, you need to know that my 50 lb. checked bag contained 10 lbs. of Young Life Nicaraguan coffee, some of Bruce’s shoes and clothes for the rest of the week and two large wool blankets that we had stored at our home for the past two years that belonged to ministry country leaders from Columbia… so it wasn’t full of all my stuff.)

As we rolled our luggage out to the front of our lodge (Make a note North Americans…the wheels on our great travel bags are of little use on a multitude of rocky steps or on gravel roads) blessedly, standing there to meet us was Isa, a young lady from the local ministry team and she graciously offered her car to drive us down the one side of the mountain that we were on and on up to other side to our new room. And guess what? When we got up and over to our new room it was even more comfortable that our original one.  So, why do I always underestimate God goodness toward me when He calls me to do something loving for someone else?  If God is who He is, and his greatest commands are for us to love Him, put Him first (before all the other ‘things’ that I love), to love others as I love myself… so that He will provide for me all that I need?…Then why can’t I just expect the best and give myself joyfully to His pathway? 

As God would have it, I received another lesson of love the next morning, in our final hours at the Young Life conference. It was Sunday morning and Bruce and I joined a scheduled ‘walk’ up to a neighboring waterfall for a time of worship and a meditation. A group of about a dozen of us “Gringos and Latinos” were eager to take off to enjoy the fascinating mountainside on our way up to a waterfall.  Well, let me tell you, my dear sister in the faith, Diane Slaughter, who wrote a message after reading the prior journal entry, ‘Epilogue: Nature’, posted several weeks ago. It turned out to be a hike not a walk.  In case you didn’t read Diane’s comments, she shared a reply about not being able to fully appreciate seeing God in nature due to having to focus on the slippery roots, rock hazards, and bug bites that got in her way. Well Diane, here is a photo of my knee for you that shows how much I can commiserate with your past struggles to experience God in nature.  Well, despite the skinned knee from a minor fall during the hike (that was fortunately minimized by the quick reflexes of Fredrico, who was hiking to the waterfalls wearing flip-flops while carrying a guitar on his back…what was my problem!) and a few bug bites on my legs, the journey was a worth the experience. 

When we arrived at our destination it was beautiful; to hear the roar of the falls, to see the smiles on the faces of those who plunged or waded into the water, to sing a favorite worship song and to listen to the scripture message from the LAC leader, Hollman Mendoza from Nicaragua. We sang in Spanish and in English the praise song, ‘Open the Eyes of My Heart’,

https://youtu.be/iwqpKD-qBt4      and then Hollman began to speak by commenting on the beauty of where we were gathered. This introduction made me smile, as you and I had just walked that Nature blog parallel path together a few weeks ago. What was most astounding to me, was that Hollman went on the read the following scripture verses:

The Gospel of John 15: 

⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

As God’s timing would have it, I had just started writing about these verses just before we had to move rooms at camp.  So, my ears tuned into what Hollman and the Holy Spirit wanted to share with us. God loves us so much and calls us to ‘remain’ or ‘abide’ in His love by keeping His Commandments.   God wants us to love to be/abide/remain with Him, as well as walk along side of and to support each other. I realized that I had experienced what this love looked like everywhere I turned while there at Pico Escondido; with Fredrico laid down his own safety by scooping me up (flip-flops, guitar and all) from the slippery river rocks to avoid any further injuries, when Bruce showed me love by carrying my bags up the side of the mountain and not complaining about the bruise he received in the process, when Isa offered her time and the car ride with all of our luggage to a new room across the camp, and through numerous friends from across Latin America and the Caribbean who offered their support and shared in-person tears with us in our grief over losing Will.  

As God is my heavenly Father, and as a Christian, I can’t help but feel humbled by how God willingly let His only son come down to earth to undergo a lot of pain, rejection and death so that He could prove how much He loved me and wants me to be in a relationship with Him for eternity. What has become so relatable for me in the past three years is that fact that as soon as Will was diagnosed with cancer, I knew that I would given any and everything…even my own life… so that our son Will could live.  Will and I talked about this offer at least twice in his 18 month journey and he knew/knows how much I desperately love him.  I wanted to lay down my life for Will and I didn’t let him leave this earth willingly. This fact reminds me of the quote that I received from Jacksonville friend Liz Adams just after Will passed away and is one that I shared in its entirety on Will’s Caringbridge, “Grief is just love with nowhere to go.” I read a quote that echoed this same thought in a devotional book I was given for Christmas by my Sarasota friend Pam Morris. The book contains devotions accompanied by excerpts from ‘The Hiding Place’ written by Holocaust survivor, Corrie Ten Boom. The author shares a quote from her father regarding love and pain. Her Dad explains to Corrie how when love is blocked there is pain. I am sure you may have your own examples of where you have felt this kind of pain… of love lost or love not returned.

I have found that writing about Will’s passing and seeing God at work around me has helped me remain in God’s love and it has helped reduced the pain of my blocked love for Will and my Dad.  I find talking about Will’s and Dad’s lives, while feeling free to laugh or cry, has helped me to manage through the pain. Many thanks to all of you who have patiently listened to me share my grief, as this has helped me process our loss. ‘Thank you’ when you have withheld offering me advice or suggestions on how to “get over” Will’s passing.  Another way I want to remove the blocked love I have for Will, is to seek ways to educate young doctors in the importance of their personal overall health, and help graduate medical education programs make essential changes to better ensure the total wellbeing of future doctors.  I have wondered, “How else does God want me to use my abilities to advance the wellbeing of not only myself but others in my own town and around the globe?” 

One answer from this prayer has come rather quickly.  While trying to wrap up the writing of this entry. In the past three weeks I have had two opportunities and the responsibility to take my mom, Jean Gilliland for Emergency Room visits that were followed by hospital admissions.. Some of you may remember that we lost Dad just one year ago to the week that Mom was initially hospitalized.  With losing Dad, we have gone through a huge transition to no only part with him, but to get Mom moved to a continuous care community, manage the distribution of his estat and get their big house sold. Mom’s first hospitalization happened just hours before I left for the Dominican Republic Young Life trip and the second visit happened a day after I returned.  I was shuttling between Sarasota, Winter Park-for a quick check-in visit and then up to the Jacksonville area, for guess what? …..yes, of course, for a periodic colonoscopy procedure!!!! Given our family history of colon cancer, I didn’t dare miss that appointment.  Since Will’s last hospital admission in July of 2020 for his second colon surgery, I hadn’t spent any time in a hospital. So, I can’t tell you the number of flash back moments I had this past month that brought back losing first Will and then Dad. Things like; hearing my own footsteps as I walked by myself down a brightly light and sterile hospital hallway, or when the irritating sound of the machines that monitored vitals or pumped IV drips would go off (they would bring me quickly to my feet, to turn the —— thing off  because Will taught me when to and how to do so… much to his nurse’s chagrin), or when a nurse or phlebotomist would come to collect blood samples as soon as the patient slip off to sleep, or the stirring of my gut when the transport personnel would come to take Will, Mom or me for the next test, or when the doctor would come in with long-awaited results to share, or when we would wait hours for the discharge paperwork to be processed containing pages of medications, potential complications and instructions to adhere to, or when I sat in my car in the pharmacy drive-through pick-up line… four cars deep, or when I got home feeling so disorientated because the rest of the world just kept moving rapidly along while I was still stuck in the hospital setting time-warp mode, or when I struggled to find food that Will, Dad, and now Mom could eat to meet their specific dietary needs/restrictions/taste buds. I quickly realized that these flashback moments were not only perfect times to be fearful, anxious, frustrated, confused, and ‘hangry’. They were perfect times to be patient, kind, appreciative, peaceful, thoughtful, helpful, organized, and even humorous. Perfect times to lay down my life for my loved one.

So, even though this journal reflection is reaching you more than a week late, God used the past weeks to show me that the timing was perfect. Time to reflect on His true meaning of ‘love’, to remind all of us that He loves us, and to show us how to love one another… like we are to love ourselves. Given this past week’s news of war, we truly have a globe changing opportunity right in front of us. Please join me in continuing to pray and do our best to listen to God for His leading in how best to love one another… until we meet again.

https://youtu.be/t-29WLQ3trA

There is something about being out in nature, isn’t there? Breathing the fresh air, appreciating the plants and foliage, looking for birds or animals to identify, feeling the sunshine or breeze on our face, working up a sweat to burn off some excess calories, taking the opportunity to snap some amazing photographs and appreciating the change in topography.  Yes, there are wonderful things to enjoy and benefits to be had when we get away from our manmade environments and out into nature. I think this is even more true today since COVID hasplagued us for the last two years! 

Surveys show that there are several ways that we humans say we “feel close to God.” The list includes listening to music, attending a place of worship, reading Holy Scriptures, and even being in a quiet environment with a yummy cup of coffee. But on most surveys, these ways all follow behind “being in nature.” The fact that being in nature tops the list shouldn’t surprise us, particularly if we believe in a “higher power” that created our world. The beginning of all Judeo-Christian holy scriptures (the Torah and The Holy Bible) has in the very first chapter, titled Genesis, a description of the creation of our world by God. (Note in this source that humankind doesn’t show up until day six beginning in Chapter 1 verse 26.  God creates humankind after everything else, with the purpose to love Him, enjoy Him while we ‘manage’ His created masterpiece, and with the command to be fruitful and multiply to fill the world.) Early in the Quran, Chapter 2: 21-22, it also declares God’s creative power over establishing all the earth and heavens and the cycle of nature that we know. Here are the beginnings of both accounts:

GENESIS 1: 1-5   The Beginning

“1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.”

Chapter 2: The Heifer

“21. O people! Worship your Lord who created you and those before you, that you may attain piety.

22. He who made the earth a habitat for you, and the sky a structure, and sends water down from the sky, and brings out fruits thereby, as a sustenance for you. Therefore, do not assign rivals to God while you know.”

https://youtu.be/Sn–xVRqEEg

Because of God’s authorship and blessing on all the elements of nature… He did say it “was good” at the end of each hardworking day of creation… God set a precedence for and appreciation of praise for his creative handiwork. God provides us with an abundance of ways to connect with Him through nature. Being in and appreciating His creation allows the space for Him to share with us a living context for His holy scriptures, and/or personalized insights with lessons He has just for us. To be clear, I am saying that nature can be a channel through which God can communicate with us, I am not saying that nature is a god or God. For example, a tree, a butterfly, a flower, or a mountain stream can each, in their own unique way, point us to truths about God and our relationship with Him, but those created things aren’t God. Likewise, there is a difference between appreciating and finding fascinating an aspect of nature from the act of appreciating and finding fascinating the God who created something special for you to marvel at and possibly receive a message from in nature.

As a child I would play outside a lot. Being one of four children in my family, one of us was always “getting under foot”, as my mom would say. This meant we were frequently encouraged to “go play outside…just be home by dark.” I had the advantage of growing up in Central Florida… on a lake… right next to a family with three girls… in a home on a large lot with tons of foliage. I thoroughly enjoyed this time of independence and freedom outside. I loved making forts between the Cyprus trees and huge azalea bush hedges with my neighbors Karen and Niki, as they were close to my age and not one of my siblings. We would get out on the lake and explore around with our little rowboat, swim and dive off our dock, and even go water skiing. From my childhood until I was married, I was also blessed with many a beach trip to Longboat Key or New Smyrna Beach with extended family, enjoying the sounds of the surf and sea gulls, to the sites of sunrises and sunsets and pelicans diving for their next meal. And I would be remiss to not mention the opportunities to enjoy the Great Smokey Mountains in Dillard, GA or our infamous trip in a huge Winnebago out to the Rocky Mountains on the way to the Grand Canyon…the words ‘immense’ and ‘vast’, were the first things that came to my mind followed by ‘awe.’  

It wasn’t until the summer of 1980 when I first realized that I could be in nature and experience it and God at different levels. This revelation came when my (I thought we were rather serious) boyfriend from the prior school year ended our dating relationship. This event wasn’t only a big surprise but a huge disappointment to me and it made me step back and reevaluate my life and what I wanted. The breakup resulted in a time that drew me back to the roots of my faith but more specifically to a personal relationship with God. It’s funny how God works, because it was also the event that opened the door for me to begin dating Bruce, who has been my husband whose ring I have worn for 40 years now. That break-up summer was also the summer I that I was registered to take an important summer school course, to complete my business school Statistics requirement. Its nickname was called “Summer Sadistics”, since it met 4 days a week for 3 hours a day, with at least a dozen Stat problems to complete and turn in every day. Total immersion in the content was the strategy and survival was my goal.  By the end of the summer, I desperately needed to get away… get outside… and get refreshed before I began the next academic year.  A friend of mine, Angie Duncan (I miss her, and I wonder where she is today, as we lost contact with each other after graduation), accepted my invitation to drive up to Dillard, GA to hang out at my parent’s mountain cabin for a week.  During this trip time, which became a spiritual retreat for me, I experienced peaceful hours; reading my Bible, sitting in a rocking chair in cool mornings, on the long porch over-looking the Great Smokey Mountains, listening to the stream that ran its way down the property line, observing various birds, bugs, and other wildlife.  It was so restorative to read, pray, hike, journal, and share faith insights from nature’s beauty with Angie.  His word and nature around me spoke of God’s love for me saying that “everything was going to be okay” and that He had good things for me. So, this sweet time with Angie and nature began my appreciation of how God can speak to me. 

https://youtu.be/0M8XK2w7wmw

God’s communication with us in nature can be based upon the historical context of the specific place where we are. I have enjoyed traveling to some amazing parts of the world and have marveled at the diverse natural beauty of God’s creation and the contextual insights to God and His word that are treasures. For example, cruising through the Greek Isles with their vivid colors, amazing coastal views and vertical topography, reminded me of the courageous journeys of Paul (author of Ephesians that will be referenced soon) in the New Testament. Having the opportunity to stand by the ancient pyramids on the edge of the harsh and desolate Western Desert (located in the largest desert in the world-the Sahara Desert) just west of Giza, Egypt, which gave me insights as to what the Israelites had to face as slaves living there under Pharaoh, before they wandered for 40 years searching for the Promised Land.  Or the time I stood beneath one of the huge redwood trees and gazed at the waterfalls in Yosemite National Park in California, which gave me a first-hand definition of the word ‘Majesty’ and an appreciation of the ‘Power” of God.  A trip to Israel while Bruce was in seminary was ripe for lots of God links for my faith history. Bruce and I were selected to read the ‘Beatitudes’ from Matthew 5:1-12 for our travel group’s daily devotional time, while sitting on the edge of the Sea of Galilee on the Mount of the Beatitudes, when a lone fisherman rowed his way out of the early morning fog toward us. 

These are a few of the places I have been that have reminded me of parts of scripture and how God wants me to not only see and know more about the meaning behind His words, but to  ‘hear’ the  importance of His words. There was a Reformation Heritage trip our DeLand church family took. After a visit with church members of our dear pastor friends, Mairisine and David Stanfield, in Northern Ireland, we traveled by an express ferry and then bus up through Scotland, in the dramatic valleys below the mountain cliffs of the Highlands. I could ‘hear’ a passage from Psalm 121: 1-2, which reads:

“1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” *

Another vivid memory from that same trip was the verdant green of the rolling hills/mountains in Northern Ireland covered with sheep. I had the opportunity to appreciate in a new way God’s shepherding care, guidance and, comfort from Psalm 23:

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

These travels and experiences of God in nature were evidence to me that the God of the ancient holy scripture is the same God today. God can provide some place–specific glimpses that enlighten and form a better understanding of Him and the scriptures.  I believe that God can be ‘seen’ today if we look for Him around us. We can ‘see’ that He is still; all powerful, all loving, all knowing, all creative, and always present.  In my quiet time today reading Jesus Today by Sarah Young, the Lord brought the following perfect scripture to my eyes and my heart.

Ephesians 1: 18-19

^“18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, ^19a and his incomparably great power for us who believe. “

https://youtu.be/NP9rTceE1rs

In the scripture, our eyes can naturally be pulled toward the words ‘riches’, ‘glorious inheritance’, and ‘great power’.  But what caught my eye and heart was the expression the “eyes of your heart may be enlightened.” Isn’t it so true that we can physically see things around us and appreciate them?  But the scripture, in its wisdom, is pointing out that our hearts can be enlightened (as Christians we believe it is through the power of The Holy Spirit-one of the three distinct persons but of one essence-not divided-the triune God) when we catch a glimpse of something that is from God. If we can slow down and quiet down to focus on listening for His voice, we can receive His insights. From His insights we can then know truths deep within our hearts, that weren’t there just a few moments ago.  This scripture calls us to be open and be present to Him so that we can enjoy Him.  Through that practice of presence will come a growing awareness of God’s great love for us and His gift of salvation. His desires that we know in our hearts His; power, love, knowledge, stability, creativity, and presence. 

https://youtu.be/Y13hPJgeDRs 

I have received diverse gifts when I have caught a glimpse of God’s presence and received messages through the eyes of my heart. Even just today, I was blessed with a wonderful walk with a dear friend and fellow believer.  Our favorite place to walk is around Sarasota’s lush, preserved marshlands area called the Celery Fields. This friend happens to also be very involved in conservation for our part of Florida, and she is well tuned to the different birds that we see on our walks. She can name most trees and plants that we pass, and she can spot a Bald Eagle soaring hundreds of feet above our heads. I have been blessed with the opportunity to walk, talk, and share prayer requests with her for a couple of years now, and today, we spotted some Scrub Jays, two newly erected birdhouses filled with Purple Martins and their nests, many ducks, a great Blue Heron, and a Rosette Spoonbill. But the highlight was when she saw a flock of White Pelicans feeding on a pond. Not only was it so special to get a close look at these beautiful birds, but because my friend literally stopped walking to share with me about how the White Pelicans have come to be ambassadors of special messages from God to her.  Over the years, she has seen White Pelicans, as far away as Utah’s mountains and Idaho’s Snake River, that have provided her with messages of joy, peace, and most recently comfort. Seriously, just today as I had already begun writing this entry, that she knew nothing about, at the time when we were sharing our prayer concerns with each other, God allowed our eyes and hearts to ‘see’ his message of wellbeing and presence.  God still speaks and he loves to use His creation to do it. 

Yes, God is with us, around us and within us and I feel His joy when I acknowledge His communication to me through nature. Joining me in tuning our hearts to God’s voice.

https://youtu.be/GfVd5x9W1Xc

It’s exciting to anticipate what He has to share with us next!

*The next time God spoke Psalm 121 into my heart was the early spring of Will’s junior year (2007) of high school. We were on a road trip visiting universities up in the Northeast and Midwest. We visited Brown, headed up to Ithaca, NY visiting Cornell and were headed west over to Cleveland to check out Case Western Reserve. We were on our way to spend the night at a dear former work colleague and his wife’s home, Terry and Shirley Lehmann. We left Ithaca with it starting to sleet and as we were traveling through the western part New York state it began to snow. Will was napping in the car and I was driving gazing at the mountains out the snow speckled windshield to my left. The snow was light and dry so I wasn’t too concerned about our safety….note a native Floridian driving is snow would often evoke serious worries. Out of the blue here comes the words from Psalm 121… just as I was lifting my own eyes to the hills… asking God to guide us through the storm and to provide Will with the wisdom to select the school that was best for him. Our help does come from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.