Our neighborhood here in the Dominican Republic is getting festive and loud. Many of the homes that sit quietly for most days of most weeks are now surrounded by multiple cars. There are sounds of… More
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Prologue: “Shoulds”
For the past 30+ years my vocational passion has been training bankers. Now don’t yawn on me yet! Not all financial training is dry and boring. After teaching my first program in financial accounting to a group of newly-minted, and highly stressed, college graduates… and because it actually was really boring… I was bound and determined for future experience to be engaging, enlightening, and understandable. By incorporating things like a “Jeopardy” style game to the material, handing out A+’s for right answers to encourage participation (who doesn’t want an A+?), using jokes, and telling of my own “real-life” stories of failures and successes that were relevant to the topic… I’ve been sufficiently employed ever since .
Because of my early facilitation learnings, I’ve been blessed with the joy of working with some of the brightest financial minds in the commercial banking and equipment finance industries. I have worked with participants from North America, Latin America, the Caribbean, Europe, Asia, South Africa, the Middle East, and even Australia. They have taught me many things about the financial industry, the world’s religions and cultures, and the richness of diverse personal relationships… all while I have led them in accounting and the process/art of credit risk analysis. It has been a wonderfully fulfilling career.
Aside from what I’ve experienced in the workshops I have led, I have logged over 2.5 million air-miles with Delta Airlines alone. I have gotten to see some beautiful sites around the world… many wonders like: orange hued sunsets gleaming over the roof tops of Venice, across the Nile in Cairo, and at JFK airport;
the elegance of springbok/elephants/giraffe/rhi-nos/and lions living on the South African plains in Pbilensburg; snow-topped Bavarian Alps soaring near Munich; the two Sierra Madre mountain ranges circling Mexico City; Lake Erie with snow flakes falling and white caps rising on the shore of Cleveland Ohio; baskets bearing spices and animals at the labyrinthine ancient trading market, Souq Waqif, in Qatar; the Golden Gate Bridge stretching across San Francisco Bay, CA; the San Antonio Texas River Walk meandering through town; shimmering buildings on The Palm Jumeirah in the Persian Gulf, Dubai;
Mount Rainier on a sunny day towering over Seattle, WA; the bluebells (and a crazy-stinky-weird plant called Titan Arum blooming for 2-3 days every couple of years) at Kew Gardens outside London; Niagara Falls roaring near Buffalo, NY; the Eiffel Tower and Seine River gracing Paris France; grazing deer in the park lands at the Earl of Warrington’s estate of Dunham Massey, near Manchester England; the river Thames flowing under Tower Bridge in London; wafting music down cobbled streets in historic Old Montreal; yachts gliding on the blue waters of Biscayne Bay, Miami… many “wonder-filled” sites!
The word “wonder” spoke to me this week during my quiet time here in Buena Vista, Dominican Republic. I have been reading a book recommended to me by a former client and now dear friend Kate M. titled: Quieting the Shout of Should: How a Life of Less Can Lead to More, by Crystal Stine. As soon as I heard the title I downloaded the book for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the word “should” is one I use a lot when I lead training courses, and another reason is because I have struggled with living with many “shoulds” for as long as I can remember.
https://youtu.be/Ejycllx5iwA?si=rvJPsXtIYSK5X4yP
During decades of analytical work, that I have either personally performed or taught, the important concept of establishing expectations for what you “should see”, has stood out. For example; before you look at a set of financial statements, calculate a ratio, or meet with a business leader, you need to set some mental expectations. If you don’t have expectations of what you “should” see and hear, you’ll miss some important insights about a business’s management, financial performance, potential risks, and financial opportunities. There is strong evidence for the benefits of efficiency and accuracy by establishing “shoulds” throughout the analytical process.
During my classes, I carefully articulate this, so that participants don’t misunderstand my wording… that ‘we will be “should-ing” on the company at times, and it’s important that we do this.’ Pardon me if you find this disrespectful, but this usually gets lots of smiles a bit of laughter in return. Because of the phrasing, my financial training participants don’t forget that It’s critical to establish expectations or “shoulds.”
Likewise, I have done a lot of setting expectations or “shoulds” on myself and others during my life. I think I come by this not only with my higher education training, but naturally by way of living with my Mama.
There were many “shoulds” put on me and my siblings when we were growing up. I am sure that I have passed along some of them to my own family and I think I have just naturally continued to build on them as I got older.
“Shoulds” like how you: should dress at certain times of the year or for a particular function; should make your bed first thing in the morning; should brush your teeth before bed; should change your sheets every week; should always wear clean underwear… in case you get taken to the hospital (really… is that why?); should wash your dishes right after you eat; should offer to help others; should say “please” and “thank you”; should eat healthy; should get plenty of physical exercise; should get eight hours of sleep a night; should go to university; should get a good job; should work your hardest to get promoted; should entertain others in your home (center-piece on the table and all); should manage your money well; should write proper thank-you notes; should return phone calls/texts within 24 business hours; should put other’s needs before your own; should save for retirement; and on and on. Can anyone else relate to these?
And most of these “shoulds” don’t include anything about raising children or caring for elderly parents or a sick family member, if you happen to have any of those responsibilities as well. There are a lot of “shoulds” that we have heaped upon us by ourselves, the community we live with, and/or from the busy world in which we live. Do you feel “should-upon” yet?
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus Christ by Matthew 11: 28-30
Think about some of your “shoulds.” There are a lot of good “shoulds” that we take on, aren’t there? There things that “should” be done just so that we can survive. But what happens when we focus on the “shoulds” that seem so to be weighing us down? What if we are living a life that doesn’t reflect the will of God and the deep desires of our heart? What if we let worry about what we are doing or not doing creep in? Worry, if whether we can do it all or if we don’t do the “shoulds” well enough to please whomever it is that is “should-ing” on us.
“Worry,” I’ve said for decades, “is something that I learned well from my mother.” Mama was an amazingly bright, organized, and capable woman. A professionally educated teacher who was raising four children, while working in my Dad’s business, and volunteering in every organization that she was part of, making time to cook delicious family meals, and creating all kinds of ceramic gifts for family/friends/teachers, while learning to sew our elementary school clothes (Lordy, how I hated wearing those polyester matching outfits, particularly in the heat of the summer.), teaching Sunday School for over 45 years, never missing the timing of taking all of us to a scheduled extra-curricular or church activities around Orlando, and graciously hosting people in our home… all with great originality. “She was the original Martha Stewart” as my sister Susan says.
My Mama was an amazing person. But she had a lot of “shoulds” that she worried about doing. My observation was that her “shoulds” and worry over an event often made the outcome of her work AMAZING. But the anxiety of it all was stressful for our household. You may be able to relate to this mindset, “if I worry a lot over something it can keep bad things from happening”. Mama never said this with her words. But I, apparently, watched and listened and saw the results, because I found that I adapted many of her strengths for how to work. And also with a pattern of “shoulds” and worry. You’ve heard the sayings, “Our greatest strengths are often our great weaknesses, and “Two sides of the same coin.”
https://youtu.be/-Gv8VDqc-os?si=qZATW6sNnyM8AVbh
A twist on this thought pattern was introduced to me this week when I read at my reader’s 50% marker, in Quieting the Shout of Should, where Crystal Stine proposes,
“The opposite of worrying less isn’t to be happy all the time, but to seek wonder–God’s hand and presence–in all our circumstances and as we do that, as we intentionally shift our focus away from what we can do to what God has promised to do, we can spend our time working on the things that matter–the small next steps that help us grow to be more like (Him) Christ.”… “True joy and peace don’t come from what we do but from God.”
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4
“And why are you anxious concerning what you wear? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God does clothe the grass of the field, which to-day is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?” Matthew 6:28-30
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m aware that I don’t want to be “should-on” anymore. I want to do only the things that matter. Particularly if it’s “a something” that would matter to God. Is it my age and my life experiences? Or, might it also be some wisdom from God? I have less energy and patience to do the mandatory “shoulds” anymore. So, I started to meditate on Stine’s words of turning worry into wonder and I started looking around me.
Just this past weekend, my husband Bruce and I took some time on Sunday afternoon to drive and hike up to a waterfall not far from our home. The day had a cool breeze and view. Yes, I find it easy to be near to God in nature, it was “wonder-full.”
Since living here in the DR part time, I have made a habit of having my quiet times on our front porch, that offers a peek of the mountains around us. I love the quietude, the sound of the birds, and the feel of the cool breeze from my rocking chair. Carving time out of the day for reading scripture and praying could feel like a huge “should”. But I love the peacefulness I am gifted with during my time set apart for God. And it didn’t take me long to find another precious “wonder” literally close to me.
If you’ve read the last journal entry on this site, “Epilogue-Dislocated”, you know all about the street dog Dora, her accident, and her rehabilitation in our front driveway. Well, about two weeks into her recovery, the daughter/mother team who helped us seek Dora’s medical care, Dinorah and Teresa, came by to visit. It took them about one minute for them to notice that Dora was looking… “Gordita”… a little fat and they “joked” that maybe she was pregnant. Well, a week later during a trip back to the vet check-up for Dora’s accident… and a sonogram later, it was confirmed that she was indeed expecting… and only a couple weeks away from delivering four puppies… all with her broken pelvis and three working legs.
So, the vet immediately planned for a c-section delivery for the puppies. This plan required us to take Dora back and forth down the mountain to La Vega several more times for the vet to check her progesterone levels, in order to get the delivery timed right. Wouldn’t you know that as soon as I left the country for a one-day class in Chicago, she gave birth, days early, in her makeshift shed in our front driveway.
I remember from my own children’s births and holding our day’s- old grandson Walker, that new life is such a wonder!
https://youtu.be/d-iJcn37L6U?si=5AYa3cim84X6z9wv
It’s truly a “wonder,” that Dora found us… willing to help her with her medical treatments. Wonder that she arrived at our home before the puppies arrived. Wonder that all four pups arrived naturally and safely (after the accident and multiple X-rays) and that Dora has had the natural ability and strength to care for them, as if she had no complications at all. “Wonder” over worry.
The “wonder” of Dora and her puppies has me thinking about how happy and courageous she seems. Despite her handicap and lack of certainty over her future living conditions, she calmly does what she needs to do. She trusts us and receives our attention and affection joyfully, while she peacefully rests in the present.
Dora isn’t stewing or complaining about anything. She is patient with her demanding puppies and gracious to us when we bathe her (we think she likes her few minutes of spa time away from the puppies) and then change the linens in the puppy-pen.
She will sit in quiet for hours beside us to be petted, watching the clouds move over the mountains with the wind rustle the pine trees. She isn’t doing any planning and organizing because she is just being. Even as Bruce and I googled when and how to start the puppies on solid food and wean them off of their mama, Dora gradually started spending more time away from them and let’s them whine a bit longer than before. She isn’t worried about any “shoulds” for how the puppies next care steps will go. The only thing that get’s her riled up is another dog in the area.
Dora is a daily reminder to me to wonder, not worry, about what is next. Dora is a literal example to me of what holy scripture has to say about worry, wonder, and the resulting promise of peace.
” Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God peace will be with you.” Apostle Paul to the Philippians 4:6-8
So Paul’s instructions are to not worry, but pray, regardless, with a thankful heart and to look for the “wonder-filled” things around for us to keep our focus. Then, we will be blessed with peace. Moses added to this the encouragement to be like Dora, strong and courageous. Not worrying about what we “should” be doing, what isn’t working, or what might happen. Instead trust in God, who loves us and will provide for us and give us His promised presence.
“Be strong and courageous, Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Moses in Deuteronomy 31:6
Managing the “shoulds” and worries of life is about keeping our focus. Focus on God, not on ourselves and what we “should” do to manage life’s daily responsibilities and sometimes monumental challenges. Keep a focus on God, who promises to give us peace.
“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Apostle Paul to the Romans 8:6
https://youtu.be/PtKS7XXY1aw?si=riolAegvvU1_OX9
Here’s to keeping our focus on the “God of Wonders” for a full life and peace… there are no “shoulds” about that.
Epilogue: Disjointed
The “word” that has come to me this week, is disjointed.
When I Googled it I found definitions such as: “Separated at or as if at the joint, lacking coherence or orderly sequence”, “being thrown out of orderly function”, “not well connected and therefore often confusing”, “not presented in a smooth or logical way and are therefore, difficult to understand” Sources: Merriam-Webster.com, Cambridgedictionary.org, and Collinsdictionary.com
“Dora” is the reason for this entry. Dora is the recently-arrived-in-our-neighborhood stray or “perro callejero”- aka, street dog, here in Buena Vista, Dominican Republic (DR). She showed up over two weeks ago, hungry and getting around on three of her four legs. She had seen her the week before on the curvy road that runs alongside our neighborhood, dodging busy traffic. Huge cringe!!!!
The community’s day-time security guard, Jose, took compassion on her and began feeding her, so she has happily stayed in the area. It was just a few days after her appearance that we found out that Jose brought his family’s meal leftovers to feed Dora and when Jose had a day off, she didn’t have anything to eat. So we began chipping-in our scraps and even bought for her a bag of dried dog food to keep at the security gate.
Either Dora can spot a tender heart a block away or she must have noticed us walking to deliver food to the plastic sour cream container lid that she dined from…we are three houses down the street from the security gate. Because she started; sleeping in the corner of our drive way, greeting us in her skittish way, trying to follow us on our walks/runs (it’s hard to keep up with only three short useful legs), hanging out on front porch with me during my morning journaling quiet time. Our connection progressed to Dora sleeping on our door mat, allowing us to begin to pet her/rub her belly, and finally, giving us little kisses/licks on our hands. Such a sweet little thing she is.
Then this past Sunday, we returned from a Young Life middle school weekend camp to hear the news that Dora had been hit by a pick-up truck, right out front of our house. She was hurt, cowering in some nearby bushes and growling at Jose who was first to go check on her. We were so upset, and we called Dinorah, Jose’s step-daughter (read the prior entry Epilogue: Connections to hear a bit more about the family) to see if she could assist us in getting Dora medical help.
Thanks to Dinorah’s coaxing (‘The Animal Whisperer’, we call her), Dora was removed from the bushes and carried to our car. With my husband Bruce driving, he and Dinorah got Dora to a vet close to home. She received a pain shot and muscle relaxant, and then they made a second stop at an emergency X-ray center (where they serve typical serve a human…not a pet/la mascota).
Dinorah and Bruce brought Dora back with an X-ray (one side view they took) and a preliminary diagnosis from the Vet that that her left hip joint was likely dislocated. So, Sunday night Dora slept on our front porch, in a plastic dog house, that she had previously refused to enter. Monday morning, with a referral for another Vet to hopefully reset her hip, Bruce, Dinorah, and I wrapped Dora in a beach towel and drove her down the mountain, to Vet numero dos.
After more X-rays and a second opinion, it was found that Dora’s pelvis is broken (this week’s accident result), she has a congenital issue with with her sacrum (lowest part of her vertebrae) where her spinal cord is compressed (life-long and painful), and she had a prior operation on her left hip where the head of her femur, the “ball” of her ball-and-socket joint, was removed… so her hip and leg will forever be disjointed. “Disjointed”…not connected, so she won’t walk or run smoothly, which will make the basics of her everyday life more difficult.
For now she is under shelter, either resting on her beach towel under our car or under a plastic table we moved to provide more shade and shelter under the eves of the house… with Vet prescribed limited mobility for a month. She is taking anti-inflammatory and joint repair medications in her meals until she has a re-evaluation in early April.
Fortunately, she is able to get up to “take care of business” and find a more comfortable reclining position, so she is slowly showing some improvements. Dora even managed through a warm bath today and is resting comfortably on a clean beach towel as I type. It is hard to see an innocent animal hurt, isn’t it? And it’s hard to think about her always having difficulties in her daily mobility. Pray for us to help her find a permanent home or a care solution here in the DR before the end of June, when we return to the States.
Dora and her accident have me thinking about the number of different ways that my life, and those of other loved ones I know, have been disjointed.
Disjointed.. like my efforts to understand and speak Spanish. I am continuing to build my Spanish vocabulary but struggling with my speaking confidence during our five month stay in the DR this year. But I honestly admit that it’s slow going, because my approaches are “lacking in coherence”, “not well connected” and therefore my results are “often confusing”, and “not presented in a smooth or logical way and are therefore difficult to understand.”
I can laugh at this example, but it’s often frustrating and even embarrassing for me to not be able to communicate with people I am working with, or when I want to connect with people at a deeper personal level, or when I need to manage an important task out in the community. I know the efforts that I need to make to become proficient in my conversational Spanish. Efforts to prioritize greater time for daily study and practice. Yes, I need to get more “immersed” in Spanish if I am going to experience the confidence and joy of better communications. Yes, I know I am living here… but they speak so fast and loud… I am intimidated!
It’s clear to me that being disjointed isn’t a desirable “state of being.” When I think about it, this insight applies equally to other area’s of my life. Disjointedness can be present and a description of so many different aspects of our lives. Whether it relates to; the path of our careers, how we go about accomplishing home/apartment/flat projects, having to deal with chronic pain, illness, and death, our plans/efforts to save for our retirement years, the state of our family and/or personal relationships, you can fill-in more areas…but maybe most importantly, the state of our spiritual relationship with God.
For me, disjointed right now looks like … living in two different locations/countries during the year, managing the complicated logistics of not having a US based home to store our personal belongings in that we didn’t move down to the DR, struggling to keep adequate contact with family and different friends around the world whom I love, making decisions about different opportunities to serve others, and experiencing different sabbath worship traditions.
Disjointed… like entering that stage of life that includes wanting to make adjustments in my work load requirements (since there are fewer work-travel opportunities after COVID, it has made some assignment decisions a lot easier) and making decision about beginning to access some of my retirement options.
Disjointed… like losing precious family and loved ones that were so essential to my everyday life. This week I have been grieving with Wednesday’s news of the passing of our dear courageous friend, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and awesome basketball enthusiast, Mike Oliver-from Maitland, FL, Athens, GA, San Anselmo, CA and finally, Birmingham AL. Yes, my life has had many ways of feeling disjointed.
I have to admit that this combined disjointedness, this sense of “lack of continuity”, “not presented in a smooth or logical way and therefore, hard to understand”, has made my continued spirituality growth challenging in the past several years. I have felt disjointed in my relationship with God.
When you step back and think about it, can any relationship be deepened and thrive if it is disjointed? A quick Google search confirmed for me the belief that while long-distance relationships (LDR’s) can initially be extremely difficult to establish (40% fail within the first three months and one source quoting research that only 16% of people are currently in a successful LDR’s), they can be equally successful in the long-term. One source identified the three factors of; loneliness, lack of trust, and lack of communication, being the major contributors to the failure rate of this and any kind of “disjointed” relationship. So, wouldn’t the concepts apply in reverse… any relationship that focuses on good communication, trust, and time together…stands a high percentage chance of being successful?
I think many folks look at “a relationship with God” like they do with a long-distance human relationship. “He” isn’t visibly present and not frequently audibly heard. Holy Scriptures say that He is known to speak quietly and in subtle ways that we will easily miss, if we don’t turn down the noise around us and aren’t tuned into His voice.
Being disjointed in our understanding, communications, commitment to God will definitely make the relationship feel NOT; connected, smooth, orderly, clear, or logical. In other words, if we don’t make consistent time to connect with God through the various means of spiritual practices, if we aren’t clear or logical in our requests, and have a willingness to listen to His replies and direction, is it any wonder that the disjointedness with God will lead to us to feeling alone, frustrated, confused, and struggling?
“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,’
declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55: 8
I don’t know about you but I think I am often to blame when there is a breakdown/dislocation/disjointed communication… in my daily walk through life with God. I believe that I can be quite sufficient in my daily life, thank you very much. Relying on my own abilities and ideas. So, I set up an Long Distance Relationship situation with God.
https://youtu.be/_09jF1yK4z4?si=7wqQxtxabXTBpSv9
This is completely opposite of what Holy Scripture instructs us:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all way acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
During my first weeks here in the Dominican Republic I’ve read John Mark Comer’s book Practicing the Way, which is about discipleship and seeking an authentic relationship with God. Comer (a Christian) presents the insight that we all are “disciples” of something or someone–a keto diet, reality TV, work success/recognition/titles, following “The Royals”, curating the perfect social media presence, a favorite performer, a bigger bank account, a political preference, our children/family, social/eco justice issues… and sometimes even our faith preference. On Tuesday I read in Comer’s book:
“Of course, the greatest paradox of Christian spirituality is that it’s in dying that we live, it’s in losing our (false) self that we discover our (true) self, and it’s in giving up our desires that our deepest desires are finally sated.” page 213
And just a few pages John Mark adds:
Life is hard, with or without God. But what’s really hard–nearly unbearable for some– is facing the pain and suffering of life apart from God. So is trying to save yourself rather than be saved. Living in a godless, shepherdless, meaningless universe–that’s really, really hard.” (page 215)…” “So, rather than question, ‘How much am I willing to surrender to Jesus (God)?’ ask yourself honestly, ‘How joyful, peaceful, and free do I want to be?’ ” page 216
A reflection form Holy scripture agrees,
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28:
Once you’ve answered Comer’s question of “How joyful, peaceful, and free do I want to be?” the next one is likely, ‘What do I need to stop doing, to give myself the space to do the drawing near to God… so that I can enjoy the outcomes that are promised from connecting with Him?’
https://youtu.be/DuZPOVFcFJ4?si=Rhgo7aIshuwZZZt
There are likely hundreds of thousands of books written about methods (historically referred to as ‘disciplines’) for enriching spirituality. You may be very familiar with the ways to become closer to God. Some of subscribers of this websites have attended one or more of the women’s retreats that I helped lead over the past two decades. Retreats where we stepped away from all that was our “regular lives” for a committed time to practice ways to incorporated many of the classic and contemporary means of growing closer to God. Scripture tell us:
Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8
So, you likely know this, that in order to have time to get spiritually reconnected with God (to read, study, pray/meditate, journal, worship, fast, silence, music, serve…), you have to disconnect (become disjointed) from the things that distract you and take up your precious time and focus.
What are the desires of your heart? What are you currently a “disciple” of? Is there “clarity” and a “smooth and “logical connection” between your life’s “discipleship” and the outcomes you desire most? Is your life “disjointed” so you’re not living your life in a way to reach the real desires of your heart? How can you best “reconnect” to live your best life, now? What can you eliminate that is distracting you from time with God?
https://youtu.be/PsAcN8p8EV4?si=9lyehdwlfKD0zRP
“Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37: 3-4
I am committed to “doing less” to allow for more time to live in such a way that God can heal the areas of disjointedness in my life. I pray that you may want to (continue to) join me in the journey to answer these questions above and then put the answers in to practice.
Let’s delight in the Lord, because that is why He created us, human kind. We were created to be connected with Him, to worship Him, and to enjoy Him forever….not to be disjointed.
https://youtu.be/ggPEQ_COpBA?si=FjlaaHeRXwdhh137
Blessings,
Cindy
She sends her best to you too!
Epilogue: Connections
The word “connections” was calling to me this past week. So I Googled the definition and this is what I found according to Vocabulary.com. It includes:
- (noun) a relation between things or events (as in the case of one causing the other or sharing features with it.)
- (noun) the process of bringing ideas or events together.
- (noun) the act of bringing two things into contact.
- (noun) an instrumentality that connects.
- (noun) shifting from one form of transportation to another.
- (noun) (usually plural) a person who is influential and to whom you are connected in some way (as by family or friendship) “Connection.” Vocabulary.com Dictionary, Vocabulary.com, https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/connection. Accessed 15 Feb. 2024.
This past month here in the Dominican Republic(DR) has been filled with examples of our need for one of the above definitions. We needed one right after another. From the search for an important doctor’s referral, to needing consistent internet in order to lead virtual training, to coordinating logistics to participate and celebrate a dear friend’s doctoral success, to searching for our lost cat, Lulu just yesterday. Yes, one challenge right after another.
Domingo that sparked this entry.
The word “connections” was brought to my attention when I saw this mess of an electricity pole in the capital city of Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic on this past Sunday. This pole sits right outside of the hotel we stayed at, on a barely-one-way-street, in the old Colonial Zone. Compared to all the lovely sights in this beautiful part of that huge city, “What an eye-sore” was my first thought .
For some reason, I felt compelled to take a photo of the jumbled dozens of lines all converging on this one poor overloaded pole. I wondered and yeah, I even prayed about the word “connections” and why I felt compelled to capture this image. Something about it begged to be contemplated. It didn’t take long to start to make my own mental and spiritual “connections” to this ugly pole. It was less than 24 hours later that we received a distressing message that brought out in me all kinds of questions, anger, disappointment and eventually a bit of personal conviction about the significance of “connections”.
Here are some of my revelations. Just before we left to spend five months here in Buena Vista in the north central mountains of the Dominican Republic (DR), I was diagnosed at Mayo Clinic with an autoimmune condition called Morphea Scleroderma. It is the over production of collagen that causes the inflammation and hardening of the body’s interconnectivle tissues. Untreated, it can cause disfiguration and limitation of joint movement and if it become systemic, can affect the lungs, heart, kidneys, etc. Because my localized version is treated with steroids and immunotherapy medication, it requires frequent follow-up with bloodwork (to make sure the meds aren’t damaging the very organs they are trying to protect) and adjustments managed by visits with either a dermatologist, oncologist or internist. Thank God it is nothing life-treating at this early stage.
However, since it took me a month with; two urgent care visits, two rounds of antibiotics and steriods, two consults with Mayo’s internal medicine department, two rounds of bloodwork, a set of x-rays, an ultrasound, and finally a consult with a biopsy of my forearm with Mayo’s dermatology department to diagnosis it… I was very skeptical that I would be able to quickly find a physician down here to help me start the recommended immunotherapy routine that I needed. You know that there is always a seed of truth in stereotypes, and in Latin American things are typically known to move at a much slower pace (unless you are talking about how fast they drive) than they do in the US. Not getting started soon on the needed medication was very concerning to me.
But thanks to some of our Young Life International (YL) ministry friends here, Roy and Rebe, we were able to get a “next day” appointment with a very tenured dermatologist at a hospital in Santiago, just an hour away from our home. Thanks to Bruce’s proficiency in Spanish we found Dr. Duran to be knowledgable and her prescribed protocols very similar to my Mayo docotor’s recommendations. She referred us to both an extremely efficient lab, only 15 minutes from our home in Jarabacoa, which provided us same-day digital result reporting, and a pharmacy located just around its corner. So, I started my needed medications the very next very day. What an amazing “connection”!
Following up on the theme of the Latin American stereotype of things being slow, my financial consulting work here the past three weeks has been the beneficiary of good “connections.” This time related to the internet and my ability to work virtually from here in Buena Vista. Thanks to the work of Domingo, the local handyman who knows a lot about a lot of electrical, plumbing, carpentry, and all-things-house-repair related, we had an inverter system installed before we arrived for these five months. Because the power flickers or just goes down here for random reasons, we knew it would be essential for us to have reliable internet in order to work from here. And it works! After running two two-day programs, and Bruce using it constantly for work Zoom calls and “visits” with family and friends, we are confident that it will continue to support our work well. Another thankful “connection.”
Our choice to have a home here in the DR, and to use it as our living/work base for a substantial part of each year, primarily revolved around “connections” and the powerful sense of community that we feel here. If it weren’t for the vitality of the work our YL colleagues are doing here and their warm invitation for us to come, experience it, and become part of it, we would have missed out on seeing how God is changing lives in the DR, including ours. The basis of Young Life’s ministry is one of personal relationships with each other and the focus of helping young people begin and grow their spiritual relationship with God. This mission has been going strong since 1941.
On one of the first years that we were introduced to YL was in Nicaragua where we met a young, 19 year-old ministry volunteer, whose name is Hollman Mendoza. My husband, Bruce, and I have been blessed to be supporters of Hollman’s ministry, to work side-by-side with him across Nicaragua, and be part of his growth from a Club leader to a Regional Director to the first native National Director, to now serving as Vice President over all of Mexico and Central America through Panama. We have had the honor to host Hollman in our home in Florida, for him to meet and become a special friend with both of our children, Will and Kate. Hollman gave Will a flag of Nicaragua that was proudly displayed over Will’s bed while he was in his internal medicine residency down in Miami.
We’ve seen Hollman not only grow professionally but personally, as he is married to a lovely woman and father to two teenage children, all living and serving currently in Costa Rica. It has been a treasured “connection” for our family for many years. But the “connection” has not stopped.
It was about six months ago that Bruce (The Reverend Doctor and ordained Presbyterian pastor) was contacted by Hollman and asked if he would be Hollman’s doctoral advisor for his dissertation. Bruce felt honored to be asked and subsequently worked with Hollman to finalize his research and get it prepared for his in-person defense. To Bruce’s surprise, Hollman notified him just a few weeks ago that, in order for his doctorate to be complete, Bruce would need to be present for the questioning time at his dissertation defense meeting, in Santo Domingo (2.5 hours away). So, after more planning meetings and logistical coordination, we drove to the nation’s capital to be ready for meeting. That is were I saw the pole of “connections” and that is where Hollman successfully defended his work and will officially receive his doctoral degree in ministry at a graduation ceremony in April. We couldn’t be prouder of him and of this special relationship “connection”.
While in Santo Domingo, on the eve of Hollman’s dissertation defense, we received a text from home in Buena Vista from the gal, Dinorah, who was watching our almost 11 year old grand-cat, Lulu for us. Lulu had somehow gotten out and hadn’t come in for dinner. We don’t know how it happened but there were several folks coming and going, working on the house, and by the time we got home she had been gone, with no one spotting her, for 48 hours. We were devastated. The sitter felt awful, particularly after she found a bunch of Lulu’s fur on a neighbor’s back porch, apparently from a cat fight. There are lots of stray cats around, as well as dogs, large birds, and fast moving cars and motor cycles. And Lulu doesn’t have her front claws, so she can’t defend herself very well. Heavens, she is a spoiled suburban house cat, what can you expect? Well, I am ashamed to say, that I didn’t expect much.
I literally screamed some very un-pastor’s-wife-things at God from the backyard… I felt totally defeated and overwhelmed. I guess it because I have lost so many family members (Will, Dad, Mom, Brother-in-law Colin, Aunt Patsy) and friends in the past few years (El’s husband Pete, Victor’s daughter Kate, Lisa’s sister and brother-in-law…) that I didn’t felt I couldn’t handle it. I had just had it.
Yes, I know in my head that God loves me, has the best plans for my life, can accomplish anything that is in His will… and he has blessed me with so many dear ones to love, but the accumulation of all the loss, change, and uncertainty felt crushing. I guess… I guess I felt abandoned.
Now, I know some of you know Lulu and know how “hissy”, “biting” and aloof she can be, so you are likely rolling your eyes at my reaction. I know you can’t empathize with me. But I was a wreck and I am not proud of how I handled myself and my grief.
After I sobbed, hugged the cat sitter, Dinorah (who is, we just found out, married to Domingo the repairman), and her mom, Theresa (who happens to be married to the community’s security guard Jose… now there’s a story of “connections”), I decided I couldn’t just sit at home and do nothing. So, I walked about the neighborhood calling her name, and weeping… As I wondered our gravelly roads calling for Lulu, I felt ready to just give up… everything.
The huge bags under my eyes that are still present the next day, were evidence of how gut wrenching it was mourn Lulu’s disappearance and almost certain demise… on top of everything else these past several years it felt like “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Questions were running through my head like: ”Why live and love and lose, when it hurts so bad?” ”Why did we buy a home down here? What difference does my work and our ministry efforts even make?” ”What difference would it make if I weren’t alive any more?” ”Would things not be a lot easier to not even try to make “connections” or a contribution anywhere, ever again?” “Should I check on flights and head back to Florida as soon as I can pack a small bag… and leave behind everything that is part of this new life and service down here?”
The fury I was in and the questions that were blazing through my head and heart were really frightening to me. It felt like everything in my world was coming un-hinged. ”A crisis of faith”, it has sometimes been called. Or “A dark night of the soul. ” Or “At the end of ones rope.” “Whatever”… was about all I could muster when I could finally catch my breath.
So, I returned home from my neighborhood walk to unpack my suitcase from the Santo Domingo trip. Angrily tossing things haphazardly in to my drawers… and slamming them. While railing at God some more about the cruelty of life and stomping myself silly on the tile floors, I heard a voice calling out from our back patio. There was Chiquito, our pool/yard man (yes, we have one of those folks down here, also… he multi-tasks by keeping an eye on things while we are in the US). While he rambled excitedly to me in his Hatian-laden Spanish, I picked up a few words, something about “………….tu gato.” “My cat”???? I replied, and in my poor Spanish and then asked if he had seen my cat, and he said “Si” and was pointing across the neighborhood. So I said “nos vamos”, let’s go… and I took off following him.
On the way we collected Bruce off one of the side streets where he had been looking for Lulu and the three of us cornered her, hidden under someone’s front porch, stuffed will a real estate sign and all kinds of old construction debris. After much coaxing with food, poking at her with a long pool brush pole, and a concerted effort to keep my voice calm and inviting, she eventually came out and we carted her home.
Thank God that we begrudgingly hired a yard/pool guy for when we aren’t here, who ended up being the one to spot Lulu and therefore, help us bring her home safely. Thinner, a bit skittish, and with a small cut next to her right eye that were the only evidence of the events that Lulu had been through. Yes, many thanks for our house-helpers and our neighborhood guard who were all the “connections with connections” we needed to find Lulu.
However, the cumulative result of these “connections” for me felt much more significant. It was that apparently I needed of a humbling reminder that even though I’m currently living on an island, I am not an island.
The Englishman, trained as a lawyer, then who became a soldier and explorer, who went on to be best known as a writer of love poems and finally an Anglican cleric, John Donne. In 1624, from “Meditation XVII” in his book Devotions upon Emergent Occasions, Donne penned this classic piece that is referred to as “timeless wisdom”, as part of a documentation of his sermons.
Here is the part of a sermon that as been most remembered down through history.
“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends’s or of thine own were.
Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” John Donne (Itsallaboutpoems.com)
No, I am not an island. I can’t do life all myself and there is one main “connection” that I should go to first, but embarrassingly, as a person of faith, I sometimes don’t. I mistakenly think that I can rely on my own knowledge and experience to achieve whatever it is that I think I need to do. This sin of self-reliance was made so clear this week.
Yes, I was in need of a huge reminder that with a “connection” to God, to put my trust in Him as my main connection, it is the only way to have a life best lived. A life centered on God, is the only way for me to walk in the will of God. Without that centering it is impossible for me to see the events of my life and the world around me with any measure of perspective. I need to be “connected” to God to make the most of my time spent with those around me, and to leave me feeling centered and at peace. These hard past few years have left me raw and feeling like I can’t expect much good to be possible in my life. But with God’s “connection”, I can trust that through Him all is possible. He is the only one who can!
https://youtu.be/YihKbG8-X3U?si=i0RHUZTK2ttC9T6S
So, in wanting to make Donne’s quote accurately complete, I started Googling more about this famous quote and about the author. I was very surprised to find out from a number of sources, that you will see cited along the way, that this piece is considered a meditation on death, and that it was written to share the insight that all beings are one with God. (Quartz.com) It is thought to mean that we do not live by ourselves without the help and presence of others and “that we always need a shoulder to lean on especially during tough times” (Brainly.ph). None of us can live a healthy life on our own but we are created to be part of a community, and that community is what defines our existence.
The websites I read today (yes, thanks to my inverter and Domingo) said that the book Devotions upon Emergent Occasions, was written just a couple of years before Donne’s illness and eventual death. At the time of its writing, in November of 1621, Donne had been elected dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral in London. A key part of Donne’s role as Dean was to “contemplate the relationships between men and God”, exploring the interconnectedness of all people. John and his wife (before she passed) lost three of their own 12 children. So, he was well acquainted with death and brought those insights to his faith in God and to his writings.
This famous piece of wisdom is considered an ode to community, togetherness, and the collected potential of the “connecting” the different parts of the community. It has become one of Donne’s most known and celebrated works, apparently influencing (“connecting” with) generations of writers and artists, including Ernest Hemingway.
As I read today on Commonlit.com about this specific sermon and its significance, I found it spoke exactly to where I was struggling yesterday and am painfully still aware of today. I am going to use, to their credit, some of the headings from their discussion, as a way to organize, reinforce and challenge myself about the “connections” that I am sharing.
Journey along with me to see how this literary analysis could shine some light on your own life.
Symbolism Of Islands
Most obviously, Donne uses the metaphor of an island to represent isolation and self-centeredness. By using this parallel-path of “no man is an island,” he urges us to leave behind the life of isolation and to connect with the broader world.
In what ways do I lead a self-centered life? What connections do I have with people who live and believe differently than me? How can I connect with others near me in a deeper way? What would have to change in the way that I live for this to happen? What might it like look like for my life if, instead of isolating myself, I made those types of “connections?” What benefits would there be to living more “connected” with this broader life perspective?
Unity of Humanity
The writing emphasizes that we are interconnected and should not isolate ourselves. It suggests that everyone is a part of a larger community and relies on others.
So what would happen if I just stopped trying to help others/make a difference? Isn’t it tempting to want to isolate ourselves with all the destructive things that are happening around the world? How might others be relying on me? Are there ways that I can be of greater use to others? What do I do with this insight?
Interdependence
Donne’s writing expresses the idea that we depend on each other for support, both emotionally and socially. The actions and experiences of one person can affect the entire community.
If that so, what difference am I making as I try to live faithfully and honestly through my struggles? Who could be I reaching out to with support during a time that is very difficult for them? What needs do I have that I need to ask for help to resolve?
Empathy
The piece encourages us to have empathy and understanding with one another. “It suggests that we should feel for others’ joys” (like Hollman’s successful doctoral dissertation defense) “and sorrows” (like the way many of you have come around us at our times of loss) because, in the end, we are all connected.
How can I express my feelings with love and compassion for those who hold different opinions than me? How can I open myself to “feel” what others are feeling so that I can celebrate with them or comfort them more authentically?
Mortality
Donne’s meditation reflects on the inevitability of death. The phrase “no man is an island” is a reminder that we all have a limited time on this early, and the loss of one person is a loss for us all.
So, I wonder if I would be missed if I weren’t living anymore. What do I think people would miss most about me and the life I live if I was gone? What would I like for them to remember most about me? What do I need to do differently if I want to leave a legacy of love, encouragement, faith, ____________, ____________, _____________?
Social Responsibility
“No man is an island” conveys a sense of social responsibility. It implies that we must contribute positively to society and should not withdraw from our responsibilities.
What responsibilities do I still have to fulfill, while I have days left on earth to do so? How may God use me to make a positive difference in my community? Who can I invite to join me in what I am doing to help the social fabric of my community/the world?
Spiritual Connection
To the secular world, Donne, is considered “a metaphysical poet”, because he added the spiritual dimension to his later writings. This piece “connects” the physical world with the transcendance of God. It also emphases the existence of this spiritual “connection” among people. So, I understand this to mean a “connection” with a Holy God, and a “holy” connection with others.
How am I “connecting” spiritually with those around me? Am I looking past the exterior to appreciate the uniqueness of them as an individual uniquely created by God. Am I being spiritually present to them, listening to what God has for them to share with me and sharing the Godly insights He gives me with them?
I think that my word of “connection” this past week, ties to encouragement of my needed “connection” with the community(ies) that I currently find myself living in as well as the ultimate “connection” with God. I need to trust that God’s “connection” is strong and steady and that it is working for my good. I think the word of “connection” has helped me see that as of today, I am still alive so I will be my best by “connecting” with others to mutually benefit us. I can also use my many “connections” for the good of those around me. Including people and situations that I have yet to encounter.
Holy scriptures tells us that:
That God is the “author and perfecter of our faith.” He specifically works at that ‘perfection’ of our faith through hard times… if we are open to His “connection” and we allow Him to transform our hearts. This is a key lesson that I have been taught this week.
“He (I) will have no fear of bad news; his(my) heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.” Psalm 112:7
That God desires to “connect” with us and that he wants to help us.
“For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear: I will help you.” Isaiah 41: 13
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phillippians 4:13
That His love for us is beyond comprehension.
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. King David in Psalm 13: 5
Like in other “connections” we need to be open to feeling, hearing, seeing the “connections” he desires because God doesn’t shout to be heard. By putting ourselves in quiet places, we can “hear” the words he has for us during the “connection” time.
Be still before the LORD, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling. Zechariah 2:13
He is thrilled when we take time to look for Him, to seek communications with Him… in nature, when we read His holy word. He desires us to pause to speak to us, to transform us.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4
God loves to use other people that we “connect with” to provide us with wise insights and motivation on the journey we call life.
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul.” Matthew 11:28-29
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Hy heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.” Psalm 28: 7
Yes, God is the most proweful connection that brings all other connections into significance. So go out today and “connect” in a hopeful, loving way with God and others.
https://youtu.be/zQATwkAklYw?si=4Cc4-WNuhT2LIPuz
Epilogue: Signs
It’s that time of year when you don’t have to look hard to see all the signs of the holiday season. I noticed Christmas decorations on the shelves of local stores in the month of October, even before Halloween! Remember when retailers waited until December?
In the month of December my favorite radio station played non-stop the classic songs as well as new remakes of holiday favorites. They are even conducted a contest to vote for our favorite holiday movies. With the cold weather arriving, taking one look at the sweaters and accessories folks are wearing , or glancing at the monthly beverage specials at the coffee shop or your favorite restaurant…you’ll know… ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.”
But don’t forget it’s Hanukkah, too. Menorah’s abound near store registers, along with the gold chocolate coins and books like; Did Jew Know?: A Handy Primer on the Customs, Culture & Practices of the Chosen People by Emily Stone and Hanukcats: And Other Traditional Jewish Songs for Cats by Laurie Loughlin. And I would be holding back if if didn’t share with you my favorite Hanukkah song by one of my favorite jazz artists:
Yes, it’s been easy to pick up on the signs of the season. However, this fall it was different kinds of “signs” that I caught my attention and imagination. Across the 4,600 miles we drove on our fall RV trip, I received some parallel reminders of what life can hold.
When we started off the five-plus-week road trip on October 6th , the weather felt like summer. The daytime temperatures neared 90 outside of Jacksonville, FL and the heat followed us up the eastern seaboard into South Carolina. Steamy and buggy conditions gave us no indication that we would soon get any relief from the seasonal south. Why does it seem to linger unmercifully longer each year?
It wasn’t until we passed through North Carolina, almost crossing into the state of Virginia that we started to feel like we needed to change out of our shorts and sandals and consider some jeans and closed-toe shoes.
The first signs of fall appeared when we climbed out of the RV in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, where we were greeted by a cool brisk breeze. Bring out the sweatshirts! The first sign of fall.
Muted Fall colors and dropping leaves didn’t appear until we reached the state of New Jersey, just outside of Philadelphia, PA. With nighttime temperatures dipping in the upper 40’s it was time to put the flannel sheets on the bed. But it wasn’t until we drove across the (who knew) very long top of the state of Maryland and entered West Virginia, that we confidently knew that it was fall. Not only did the calendar say it was mid-October, but the colors, the temperatures, and the dip in humidity were all in agreement.
This is the part of our drive that it occurred to me, how I often need undeniable proof that something is real before I believe it. So, as we traveled across the country, some of the questions I started asking myself went something like…
“Do I rely too much on external events and ‘signs’ to point me towards a spiritual reality before I accept what is “true?”
“Where does my faith in God relate to the everyday navigation of my life?”
“What if I am ‘not seeing any signs’ of God’s direction right now?”
“If I don’t see signs, does that mean He isn’t real?”…” What do I do?”
One thing I have learned about myself, after decades of teaching analysis courses for banks, is that I am a visual learner. So, it wasn’t but a few minutes after the above questions about signs started running through my head, that I noticed the literal road signs that we were passing.
Like this next picture I took of road signs (yes, we are moving in the RV so the focus wasn’t the greatest and some of the formatting limitations (or my own) on the tool used here for publishing Onparallelpaths is not what I wanted ), but you’ll get the picture! 🙂
Section I: Directional Signs
Yes, the signs show that the road curves ahead to the left and there are guard rails and additional arrows to direct the traffic. It occurred to me: “Wow, what I would give to have those kinds of clear signs and protection in my life!!” I’ve felt that I have sometimes just barely missed one of life’s curves and have scrapped my way around one of the “guard rails” in life. Can you relate?
So, there I was on I-97 through West Virginia, when a “holy moment” from God happened, as Matthew Kelly writes in his book entitled Holy Moments. It was a precious moment when God reminded me that He has indeed been, and will always be, my ‘protective guard rail,’ and that His holy scriptures are my life’s road signs to follow.
The sweet moment of affirmation and conviction morphed into an obsession for me to see what other literal road signs we would pass and how I could see and hear some deeper meanings for the signs. Talk about making the travel time go faster!
Have some fun with me and listen for some spiritual insights for yourself:
Before I make big decisions and even manage day-to-day priorities, where do I seek my “travel” information to live the day?
- Do I lift-up my heart in prayer to make sure I am seeking God’s will?
- Do I just follow my regular routine regardless?
- Am I on the right road to where God wants me to go?
- Am I reading holy scripture, listening to wise friends, looking at His creation with an open mind, heart, and ears to hear God’s latest updates?
“Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”
Psalm 119:105 NLT
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3: 55-6
“What to do now?” Which of these coming turns lead me toward what is best for me? Scripture says:
“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.”
1 Corinthians 14:33
Then why am I sometimes confused? Do I seek the Lord’s wisdom about which way to turn at an upcoming intersection…? “
Scripture also says;
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. “
Matthew 7:7 NLT
There have been times in my life where I have felt like I am just going around in circles… about a decision that needs to be made… about moving on from a past hurt… about a situation/conflict that hasn’t been resolved, or a habit that I really want to break but am not finding the will or way to do it.
- What keeps you going around and around?
- How have you learned how to stop the endless circling? Who could you share this insight with?
Life sometimes brings situations where we must keep going ahead. As much as we would like it, we aren’t allowed to turn back. Scriptures says:
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
Romans 5: 3-5 NLT
God’s “don’t turn back” signs are intended for our best futures. And anyone who drives a vehicle knows that you can’t drive ahead well by looking backwards.
I haven’t found it always easy to know the right direction to go in life. There are many ways God has pointed me in the “right” direction in the past. What ways has he used to direct you? How did He show you the “sign”?
Was the direction:
- A bit of wisdom from a friend…
- Inconvenient circumstances that end up being a blessing…
- Making a tough decision that wasn’t popular with those around you but one that was morally and ethically sound…
- Was it following the commands from holy scriptures even though you didn’t feel like it?
“But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.”
Matthew 6:33 Amplified Bible
It is always a good feeling when we are given an open way out, just as another way has closed. This is exactly what has happened for both my husband Bruce and I, when we have experienced life or work situation “trainwrecks” and God has pointed us toward solutions that were satisfying and financially sufficient to meet our needs.
- When have you or someone you love experienced the one-way-closing and the blessing of another one opening?
I think I often overreact to bumps on my road of life. I tend to make them out to be some sign of something more serious, than a dip. Maybe it is a bit of PTSD from past “crashes”, but if it is really just a bump, they aren’t permanent, just a momentary occurrence. “God, give me the grace to slow down and to take life’s dips and bumps with greater flexibility and patience. Amen”
“Stop” is clear directional sign, isn’t it? Even as children, we didn’t want to be told to “stop.”
Has that changed as you’ve gotten older? What if stopping isn’t what we want… for a relationship… a career… our physical capabilities… our mental abilities… our spending habits… our volunteering passions, or even our very life?
Stops can be frustrating and devastating experiences. Stops can also be experienced as a break, a chance to reassess our life direction, an opportunity to make a positive change in our trajectory. A reset.
- What have you learned about yourself and possibly, God’s will for your life, when you have come upon a stop sign?
- What has happened to you and for you when you have embraced a “stop” in your life?
- What can we do when our wants and God’s call to “stop” don’t align?
This sign above gave me the biggest laugh of the trip. The crazy thing is that this wasn’t the only one like this on the highway. There were many of these on this stretch of road. I don’t know about you but, when I pray for clarity of direction, I don’t always get a quick or obvious answer. God knows that I need and that I appreciate information about where I am to go. So why then do get a blank directional sign just like the one above?
Like this road sign, there are many things in our world that aren’t helpful for making good life directional decisions. We can’t necessarily rely on what we read, see, or hear around us. Thank goodness Bruce and I were using a good GPS app on during this part of our drive. We didn’t have to be frustrated by the empty signs. Likewise, we all could benefit to have God as our “life GPS”, to guide us safely and efficiently where He wants us to go.
If you look closer at this photo above, you’ll see the smaller indicator signs that there are lane shifts ahead. I think that I often miss the small, quiet messages God sends about my direction, looking only at the big picture of what is going on around me.
Our daughter Kate challenged me this summer to “be more present.” Sure enough, sometimes I don’t see the upcoming ‘lane shift’ signs until they are right in front of me… even sometimes on a bright orange sign that matches the construction safety barrels of life!
While I have found that “lane shifts” tend to be last minute pop-up type signs, I’ve noticed that curve signs in the road of life are normal and should be expected. I have learned that there are always changes going on around me and are therefore, things that I need to change in my life. Life never seems to run in a straight path.
My life hasn’t gone according to my plans. How about yours? Even on a daily basis, I usually don’t get things done on my “to-do list” in the order that I write them. Like the curves for a literal road add beauty and character to traveling through the scenery, so can changes on the curves of our lives add to the richness of the experience.
Curves require that we slow down and focus on the directional turns in our lives. Slowing down gives us time to anticipate and appreciate the reality of “now”. Even if we are being nudged over in a new direction, the slowing down ensures we are safe and can see the beauty of a different place or pace. Curves prompt a feeling of curiosity for a different view from around a bend. If life’s road was predictably straight that wouldn’t be the same experience. There wouldn’t be the same joy.
I’ve learned from my Kolbe consulting work over the past ten years that each of us deals with change and the unexpected curves in life differently. Some of us thrive on change and the opportunities for creativity and new experiences. For others, the curveballs of life’s changes can provoke a sense of danger which can be anxiety-producing. There are time were all us long for the stability of a steady and straight road ahead.
- How has “an unexpected” curve brought you joy, a challenge to overcome, a liberating new perspective, or a blessing?
- Likewise, how has a curve brought you fear and anxiety? How have you navigated this hard curve?
- How has a curve helped you grow into who you are right now?
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
We humans aren’t always naturally patient, are we? We want to get ahead, be first, be rewarded, be on time, not be late, not be held back. Whatever!!!!
- When have you learn about yourself and others when you were held back from “passing”?
Section II: Warning Signs
These warning signs remind me of some key lessons I have learned on life’s roadway.
Take the sign above that helps to identify poison ivy on the edge of a hiking trail. I have learn that it is very important to be able to identify those things, people, situations, habits, and even certain medications, food, and beverages, that can cause us discomfort and pain.
I am learning that this includes some personal boundaries that I established so that I can reduce “poisonous” thoughts, words, interactions, reactions, or indulgences. Being more present is causing me to pay more attention to when signs of warning show up.
That is a kind and thoughtful sign message with the warm brown mixed in with the caution…
Roadway warning signs often contain the colors yellow, orange, or red… depending on the degree of severity of the potential danger.
This one is more direct …and definitely not as urgent as the next sign. Notice the use of a lot of white and some red on this one compared to …..
Yes, this one is most imperative, made of mostly red and a little white and posted in duplicate!!!!
I have gotten this “Wrong Way” sign before. Have you? Sometimes I appreciated it and sometimes I did not. Therefore, sometimes I have paid attention to the sign and other times I didn’t.
I don’t know about you, but in hindsight it would have been easier to have honored the sign before I… entered a difficult, unhealthy, stressful, financially damaging, fill in the blank… relationship, job, situation…
- When have you received this sign and chosen to obey it? When have you realized that you failed to honor the sign?
How I wish that it was easier to identify the detour signs in life. Detours are necessary when the road to where we want/need to go gets blocked or comes to a creeping crawl. Gosh it would be nice to embrace the detours instead of being frustrated by the command to “yield” or to obey the “diversion”.
If only I could quickly acknowledge to myself that I will ultimately be allowed to get where I “need to be”, I would be much less anxious about my life’s detours. Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “What was that (name the detour) all about?” “Why have I had to go through this?”
“And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”
Romans 8: 27-28
Not all detours are negative experiences. Some of life’s most surprising and pleasant experiences have come when I’m diverted/rerouted in a direction that I didn’t intend to go.
- What surprises (people, job skills, knowledge, network contacts, places to live, travel to experience…) have you experienced from your detours in life?
Here’s a warning sign of another temporary delay. When I see one of these I can anticipate needing to slow down, take a deep breath, and be prepared to wait. It can be a remind to myself that “next time” I need to allow a little more time to get where I am going. I usually don’t leave much margin for delays in my life, so building in extra time reduces my stress and gives me more time to be present.
If you haven’t read the prior On Parallel Paths edition, Epilogue: Overstuffed, you may want to read that next. It is all about what the lack of margin can do in your life.
Speaking of lack of margin, I can relate to this one…being too overloaded with burdens and commitments that when I hit a curve in life, I run the risk of losing my footing on the road. Since I have moved through my entire life tending to over-commit myself and my calendar, moving at a fast pace, I have eventually learned to recognize the “signs” of being close to my tipping point.
My signs are things like restless sleep, quick to aggravation, fault finding, and overreacting.
- What are your personal signs of being “top heavy”, with the load you are carrying and the pace you are doing life?
There are some unusual signs that you can see on life’s roadway:
- What are some of the signs that you’ve “seen” that are indicators that you need to be alert because there may be something unexpected coming your way that could be dangerous if you encounter it?
- Are there some signs that make you smile?
Don’t you wish you could have experienced the warning of this sign… before the hard stuff hits you?
I must say that when I saw this sign below, I felt uncomfortable. We don’t have this one in Florida and you might not either.
- Do you like the thought of someone watching your comings and goings?
- Do you feel like you behave the same regardless if someone is watch you or not?
- Do you slow down the minute you see a police officer or sheriff on the roadway?… because (like me) you are likely going a feeewwww miles over the speed limit.
The reality is that we are always under God’s “video surveillance.” He knows the number of hairs on our heads, He know what we think, what we do, and what we say. Yikes!!!
- How does reminding myself of this impact how I will live today?
- What needs to change to allow me to cruise down the highway of life, with joy and hope and without fear, guilt, and/or regrets?
One thing in life is certain… that we weren’t created to live solitary lives. That’s what I got out of these three signs. That whether we like it or not, we need others. And we need to figure out how to live with each other. This has been a challenge for humankind since the beginning of time.
I have been blessed by so many merges with people around the world that have made the journey down my road of life such a joy. And of course, I have merged into others or others have merged into me and the interaction wasn’t as pleasant.
Fortunately, most of those difficult interactions have been few and brief. I pray, “Lord, help me look for the beauty (holy moments) in the interpersonal mergers that will come my way today. And “Lord, help me keep an eye out for oncoming traffic that could cause a crash. Amen”
Life does consist of some “crashes.” I don’t have to look back too far to see them in my life. After a crash, I have found it important to step back and reflect on what led to it. Have my own investigation.
It may be my analysis training in credit risk management over the years in the financial industry that has led me to believe this. Or maybe I do this because I want to “know the why” behind something.
Because crashes can be painful, literally, physically, interpersonally, and usually spiritually. If I can help it, I sure don’t want to have to repeat the same crash a second time. But I’ll admit that when I haven’t learned everything that I needed to learn from a hard lesson the first time, I seem to be allowed additional “opportunities to master a topic”. Not an “exit” that I ever immediately find joy in having to visit. But we are encouraged to see the “crashes” as growing opportunities.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, 1 when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1: 2-4
https://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw?si=Fe_8Pb9PY_AYG4ic
Not all stops are damaging or frustrating. Stops can be peaceful and provide us with much needed relief. No pun intended, but I hope you smiled!
It’s important that the pace of our lives, not just on the flat-land-maintaince-mode level, but that we each get an opportunity to “coast.” Oh, how sweet that feeling is when everything feels easy and light.
Praising God and everything around me is so easy when I am in a coasting stretch. Traveling in the RV reminds me of other coasting times in my life… often marked by some of these signs of fun and diversions.
Life can’t be constant work and obligations. God created us to need time to unwind, relax, and be nourished. Daily we need; sufficient rest, exercise/movement, and healthy food, water, and beverages. There are times and certain places where we are allowed to pause and “unload”. Times to get our “maintaince light” checked out and a tune-up conducted.
We all need a weekly sabbath day, work holidays, and maybe even trips, so that we can get loaded back up with energy and a positive perspective to keep going on our journey.
Time apart from the daily routines and the same scenery, can enhance our creativity and reawaken our senses: time to connect with the God of creation, to connect with others through the benefits of prayer and worship, to spend time playing games, to share your heart with a good friend or counselor, or to take a nap.
Make use of healthy ways to lighten your life’s heavy load.
- Which of these have you made use of in the past?
- Which of these might you consider utilizing now to better deal with what life has you carrying?
There are wonderful benefits to our mind, body, and spirit when we take the time to enjoy the opportunities to coast during our life. Whether they be out in nature on various types of equipment and vehicles, connecting with creation, or if it is expanding our minds with places and things of historical significance, or appreciating the artistic creations of other humans. There are many wonderful ways to experience some rest.
Maybe it is the physical pleasure that the mixture of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin from physical activity, or the visual pleasure that we enjoy taking in the overwhelming variety of scenic road and waterways that cross our country’s landscape, or the spiritual urging that arise when we appreciate how God is showing-off in the moment. It all can be wonderous if we take the moment to acknowledge it.
Which are your favorite signs of diversions that you like to follow?
Yes, there are many intersections with God, and those people and opportunities that He has deemed important to put on our path. When I see an intersection ahead sign, I know I will likely need to slow down, yield, or maybe even come to a stop. I’ll need to make a choice.
And sometimes if I let my life’s pace move too fast… for the load I am carrying or if I begin to feel too confident in my own abilities and agenda, God will often give me a nudge with “a sign” to slow down, shift into a lower gear, or look for an emergency exit…
When the steep grade of doing life leaves you breathless and you feel like things are getting out of control:
- What are the signs in your life that you need to slow down, shift to a lower gear, look for an ‘exit ramp’ to guide you to a safe stop?
Yep, this was a good reminder that God’s been there to slow me down and give me a more graceful “exit” to His way and priorities. His way of thinking and doing promises better outcomes, rather than allowing me to crash based upon my own self direction and pace.
- Where in your life have you seen God put out His protective hand and guide you off the road to pause or send you off in another safe direction?
As long as we’re living and breathing there is more to the journey for us to experience. Until it is our last moments on earth, we are given the nudge to keep going.
There are so many opportunities, to learn, serve, appreciate, support, improve, and live. So, continuing to keep the mind, body, and spirit active is critically important. So, “Move it or lose it” the saying goes. With the amount of caregiving, I have taken on the past four years, and since have entered the last 1/3 or less of my life, this “keep moving” truth is one that I resonates deeply with me. If I “don’t do” now, I “won’t be able to do” later.
So, back to the signs of the holiday season that we are wrapping and my reason for having hope in the guidance and salvation of a living God: Over seven hundred years before Christ’s birthday, his coming to earth to show us how to live and give us eternal life was prophesied and recorded, n the books of Micaiah and Isaiah in the Torah. Here are just a few of the verses that reference Christ’s birth:
“But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah,
are only a small village among all the people of Judah.
Yet a ruler of Israel,
whose origins are in the distant past,
will come from you on my behalf.”
Micah 5: 2
“Then Isaiah said, ‘Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore, the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.”
Isaiah 7: 13-14
https://youtu.be/FWo3qlqyW1c?si=KlZUsaFjr43uByUX
“The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
a light has dawned…. For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the Lord Almighty
will accomplish this.”
Isaiah 9: 2, 6-7
“A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of might,
the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord—
and he will delight in the fear of the Lord.He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his ears;
but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will the earth with the rod of his mouth;
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. Righteousness will be his belt
and faithfulness the sash around his waist. The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling[a]together;
and a little child will lead them.”
Isaiah 11: 1-6
Then in the New Testament of the Holy Bible we read:
“Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the reign of King Herod. About that time some wise men from eastern lands arrived in Jerusalem, asking, ‘Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star as it rose, and we have come to worship him.’”
Matthew 2: 1-2
https://youtu.be/Vs9FPx3_Slk?si=0Saat4nQyWpLZYuR Do you hear what I hear
Take some time during the remainder of this holiday season, as we start 2024, to step back and be more present:
- What are you seeing, hearing, sensing?
- What do you think the “signs” are saying to you?
- Take special note of the blessings that God has given you. How can you celebrate them?
- How can you make the most of the curves, detour, merges, yields, stops, and even crashes, that you are currently dealing with?
This holiday season, it become clear that I need to pay more attention to the signs around me… that God has placed there for my best interest. I know that I need to be ready the enter this new year with an openness to yield, shift lanes, beware of bumps, and follow His occasional instructions to not turn around, to reduce my speed, and even stop. I know I’ll need to follow signs that I don’t want to follow and that I’ll also have opportunities to enjoy coasting, merging, detouring, and resting. I know that I need to be committed to being obedient to God’s directions because His Word says that’s what’s best for me.
I pray you will continue to join me in 2024 as we look for the life road “signs” that God has for us. And that by doing so, we will know in our hearts that God is loving, good, safe, but sometimes challenging in our life’s journey. It’s all for the best.
Wishes for good health and peace to you in 2024! I look forward to traveling with you again soon, Onparallelpaths.
P.S. This was my 2023 Christmas song dedication to our son Will, with whom we would give anything to have another Christmas.
Epilogue: Overstuffed
God stirred me YET AGAIN today to finish writing this entry. I started writing about my overstuffed-life back in August of 2021. Yes…I did a double take when, in February of this year, I checked the date on the original Word file saved on my computer. I began this writing even before I started the On-Parallel Paths website. It feels like God’s timing validates all that you will read below. Since Bruce and I have completed our two-month visit to the Dominican Republic (DR) four months ago now!!!! and I started revising the 2021 entry while I was there in the DR five months ago. It seems prophetic to our present lives so along with the original text that I wrote in regular font, I’ve added underlined sections in italics to provide you with an updated version. Bless you!!! for continuing with me on this on-parallel paths journey by reading this quadruple edition.
What does over-stuffed mean and what does it look like? Well, you’ll get several clear examples if you take a glance at my purse, calendar, drawers, closets, cell phone wallet, desk, and even recipe file box. Yes, I still have that precious strawberry print recipe box that my Tri-Delta sorority sister Martha “Teal” gave me at a bridal shower that she and her mom graciously hosted for me over 40 years ago).
And this month happens to contain the
only-ever date error I have made for a
training session in over 30 years.
Over-stuffed?
Praise God for a flexible and understanding client.
When I pause to think about it, literally everything in my life has felt overstuffed for decades. Jammed so totally full that whatever the “item” is… it has limited room for anything else… and therefore, often things “fall out.”
That’s why I buy Dollar Tree sunglasses, because they tend fall out of my small handbags and break. I can’t get too upset when the lens pops out or the earpiece loses its pin. If that happens, I’ll balance them on my nose while driving to the store to buy another pair for a dollar ($ 1.25 now.) Why, you may ask, don’t I buy and use bigger purses? Well, I have tried a bigger purse, but it quickly became over-stuffed and I can’t find anything I was looking for in it!
I think I try to blame (eye roll) this tendency on my Scottish/Germany heritage, “waste not want not.”
Yes, for all my adult life my calendar has been so full that I often just barely make it to scheduled events and appointments on time. I hate being late and I equally don’t like arriving too early and wasting time waiting around. So, I take-on that “just one more” chore before I leave the home or run “just one more” errand on my way across town. Yes, I am guilty. I over-commit with activities and people that I really love.
“Remember this—a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop.”
2 Corinthians 9:6 NLT
You might describe such a “full” life, with words like “rich”, “abundant”, “exciting”, “blessed”, or “stimulating.” You could also describe it using adjectives such as “frantic”, “disjointed”, “over-extended”, “exhausting”, “frustrating”, “striving”, and “anxiety producing.”
I love spending time with my many friends and family. I love traveling around the world for work, meeting fascinating people, and going to fascinating places with my overstuffed suitcase. I love trying new recipes by having friends over for a meal. I love to go to the grocery store, particularly an international one, to browse through the shelves for new things to try to replicate flavors I have enjoyed. I love having new pottery and serving dishes to put all the yummy things in them that I make. There is something about “functional art” that I just love – especially when I know the artist. So, I have tried to make the most of all that I love.
I love that my grandmother, Florine Harper Gilliland, painted on China and canvas and needle pointed dozens of beautiful pillows and even the Backgammon game board that sits in our family room. I love the creativity of my Iowa contemplative friend Susan D-M, who is a calligrapher and poet, or our Wisconsin artist friend, Mick M, who throws gorgeous pottery and blessed us with three mugs to enjoy a beverage with our son Will during his cancer journey and then the “Good-Will” bowl he gave us 18 months later in Will’s memory.
I love that my elementary school friend, Lori L, embroiders linens and makes lovely paper notecards, or my Northern Ireland friend, Jill Mc, paints/draws prophetic pictures/messages. I love my Florida photographer friend, Jill C who blessed me with photos and words of prayer most days of Will’s cancer journey, and my Greek/UK banker and painter (clouds) friend, Jim G, who now lives in Seminole, FL, and I can’t forget my long-time family friend from Greenville, Lynn G, who is also a painter (Retired beach ladies). I love that my friends Tracy and Dan G are accomplished professional musicians, composers and conductors and that Tracy also is a published Western Romance writer… oh so many creative friends. The list could go on. So, you guessed it, I now have my guest bathroom, numerous walls, the China buffet, shelves, and cabinets overflowing with lovely and meaningful things. Would I give up any of it that I love? Not unless I absolutely have to… and it appears that this next stage of life is encouraging me to do some prioritizing so that I don’t have to.
When a dear friend, Victor H., from all the way back to high school days, wrote and asked me just this week… “What are three things you are thinking about?“… I stopped to consider his question and realized that I didn’t know what I was thinking.
I hadn’t slowed down in quite a while. I couldn’t remember when the last time was that I stopped to intentionally “think”, vs. just react/survive what was going on in my life. Victor’s question was a wakeup call, or rather an awakening. I am pretty sure that an abundance of grief is why this is the case. But, I’ve recommitted to “setting aside” time to be quiet, “think”, pray, and, journal… to process all the “fullness” of my life.
I don’t mean it to sound like I am totally oblivious to my life and what is going on. I have really worked hard to live an active and intentional life. And I have done a lot of thinking along with “doing” over the past two years. I praise God that our son Will along with both my Dad and Mom are now each healed and living in eternity and by God’s grace and with the support of so many dear friends and family members, I am still functioning. I know that without the Lord, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed for even one day out of the past approximately 305 days. (You can add another 710+ days to this number, to record the faithfulness of God to keep me going.)
Yeah, my life has been overstuffed for six decades… from a childhood filled with the dynamics of being in a busy family of six…when I studied hard to make up for the natural academic abilities I wasn’t blessed with. I took ballet and either piano/guitar/clarinet music lessons, participated in church activities, kept active on the school swim team and student government, worked part-time jobs, and held leadership roles in organizations. I attended full-time graduate school and held down a part-time job as a newly married woman. I’ve been able to build a successful 40+-year financial banking/consulting career, operating as a part-time children’s chauffeur service, volunteering for numerous church and community initiatives, all while striving to maintain a “healthy functioning” pastor’s family… until now. I feel I just don’t want to spin that over-stuffed plate anymore.
(Particularly, now that I have lost Will, my Dad and my Mom, I have taken some time to ponder “What now?.) “Who am I now?” “Is what I do, who I am, Lord?”, “How does my life demonstrate who I am?” My life has been so overstuffed that my brain has too many questions to ask, and I have lost whatever view I had to the core/heart/bottom-line of who I am…
So, while on my DR “sabbatical” I set side all my communications and responsibilities and spent time with the One who created me. I asked God these questions. I heard his words paraphrased from scripture that I was reading… “You are My child, and you are loved. To be able to fully embrace MY LOVE, you need to de-stuff your life and make more room for Me… dwell with Me as you liked to dwell with Will during his cancer journey.” “Love on Me, since you miss loving on Will. Search for Me with all your heart…and you will find Me…and in finding Me you will find our life.”
The Lord says in the scripture:
“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”Mathew 6:25
So, “I apologize Lord, for overstuffing my life. I need your help to start to unstuff… declutter… purge… simplify… reorganize… my life… so that I can find the life you desire for me.” Never would I have thought when I wrote that and prayed that in 2021, that God would take me all the way to the DR for two months, to work in the camp kitchen with a group of amazing servants and spend time walking by myself up and down dusty hills, so that I could hear Him… but in the past He has had to audibly speak to me to get my attention. If I haven’t already shared with you, remind me to tell you my Big Lots parking lot story. Yes, I guess I am slow to listen and take action sometimes. .
The best way that I have been able to relate to the process and benefits of decluttering, purging, and reorganizing has been the work I’ve done in the past six months (23 months, now) since my dad passed. With my sisters and our spouses, we have sorted out my parents 4,000 sq/ft. home, packed with 63 years of their memories and numerous items that belonged to my grandparents and “great somebody.” God has used this task to raise my awareness about the state of my own home. Bruce and I have moved lots of times in our 39 years of married life (Now we will celebrate 41 years this week back here in the DR) but even so, we have collected a lot of things… some of them are Will’s that we never imagined coming back to us in our lifetime and some are from my parents’ home. So, the sorting and decision making isn’t new to me. However, this season of sorting and purging of Will’s things, my parents’ things, and those from each of their parents has been a much more extensive and emotionally difficult experience.
Every day for weeks at a time, my sisters and I went through Gilliland/Morgan family “treasures”. This required a dozen texts or phone calls a day to family members with direct questions of interest and hundreds of small decisions and considerations. It was physically and mentally exhausting to declutter and reorganize their things.
What to keep?
What to throw away?
What to give away?
What to sell?… Would anyone actually buy this… “stuff”?
After our estate unstuffing process, you should have seen the results of the sorting and cleaning that we did! The folk’s home was brighter and the open rooms welcoming. The clean simplicity of no clutter allowed for a vision of the home’s potential by a new owner. It was a blank slate ready for someone to put their mark on it. The best part for me is the joy of seeing our son’s and my folk’s “treasures” repurposed into my sister’s, daughter’s, niece’s, friend’s and in my home. There has been a healing comfort to see their lives “live on” in their special possessions.
But how many special possessions can one home hold?
How much importance have I put on those “things” and activities in my life that are just cluttering up my space and my time?
Which of these “things” are really life giving?
During the months of February and March in the DR I found that our two room + tiny bath space was more than sufficient to feel contented. The basic roof over our head, the queen-sized bed (which is large compared to the typical DR double-size one that most families here have) with warm blankets for sleep, an inside flush toilet, hot water, plastic table, chairs, and two sets of dinnerware for meals, and basic fresh foods…were more than sufficient. There is no doubt that I like nice things and there isn’t a thing wrong with that. But “the simpler the better” is beginning to hold more and more attraction for me.
So, likewise, I am anticipating that the unstuffing process for my life will be time consuming and challenging but a blessing. I want to focus on a functional new-life-layout that is simplified… leaving lots of room for focusing on the things of eternal value… that God has me to focus on. (Remember I wrote that in August of 2021 long before the two month trip to the DR was even thought of.
During the 47+ months since I started pondering my overstuffed life, I had done very little about it. Sure, due to COVID and the graciousness of the consulting company I work for I was allowed to reduce my workload during my times of care-giving and immediate grief, plus the fact that at the time banks weren’t spending much money on training their workers, But, otherwise I hadn’t made any changes and Bruce was actually busier than he had ever been with picking up a part-time pastor responsibility along with his full-time missions role with Young Life, International.
(Bruce and I were beginning to see these thoughts/prayers/ramblings coming to be realities that we needed to make some decisions about.
The momentum changed only three days after we arrived in the DR in February. Our Sarasota HOA (Home owner’s Association) board sent out an email stating that they were going to discuss us (no, they wouldn’t wait for us to return in two months to do that) for two reasons; first that our RV periodically visited our driveway (always for less time than the community rules allowed) so that we could clean and prep it to be rented out or for our personal travel (a recent meeting clarified that they objected to the fact that we rented the RV, not that it was in the driveway,) and secondly that we had friends stay in our home to cat sit our grand-cat, Lulu, water the plants and keep an eye out on things when we were in the DR…(they actually objected that I “informed” them about the friends that were coming and didn’t “ask for their approval.”)
I think it curious that I sent the letter a week before we left for the DR and nobody replied to us about needing to rephrase the letter as a request before we left. (After the fact when rereading our by-laws, we found that we were required to notify them not ask for permission.) So what was that HOA stuff all about?
Apparently God got tired of waiting for us to make changes, so He did it for us, Back in 2021 the last line I wrote in the entry was..
“De-stuffing will provide me with space and time for focusing on Him, His love, His healing power, His hope, His direction for my life… That’s the kind of life I want!”
To this point I hadn’t done anything different about making that kind of life happen. So, in March and April of this year, Bruce and I talked and prayed about things for weeks and decided that we didn’t want to remain living in that community with “friends” who would treat others this way. We decided it would be simpler and more peaceful for us to live our lives in a home that wasn’t under the scrutiny of controlling neighbors and that was closer to our daughter and her family. We figured that it would be a huge time saver to be with them when we aren’t out of town or out of the country, either visiting extended family and completing ministry related travel. We want to build more memories with Kate’s family while we are able.
It has been very hard to not hold a grudge against our HOA. We loved living in Sarasota and being near dear friends and Bruce’s dad and his wife.
But as the scriptures says:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Genesis 5:20
So, between work assignments and medical appointments, we began in earnest to do decluttering (or “editing” as our Real Estate agent called it) to get our home ready to be listed for sale. Some of the hardest de-cluttering was just a few weeks ago when I was cleaning out our attic and I came across a tub of Will’s photos and school work from his first through third grade years that hadn’t made it into a scrapbook yet, along with a couple pair of Will’s work shoes and belts, six monogramed doctor’s white coats, and two boxes of formal China that Bruce’s mom wanted Will to have when he married.)
Beyond the physical decluttering, I added to my spiritual decluttering a list prayers for to God to give me a large “power blast of forgiveness” toward my literal neighbors and the administrators at Will’s residency hospital program, who failed him by not ensuring their young doctors obtained the medical care and support that they needed. I know I need to love them all and leave behind this heavy season of grief and pain for something better.
We listed and sold our Sarasota home before the end of June ( I won’t go into the details of the piles we had to set aside for the DR, and ones for the PODS long-term storage and what we would need to go into RV for the next 6-9 months)…Which means we are now nomads, so to speak… living in our RV in the Green Cove Springs, FL area, visiting our missions home base in the DR (30 minutes from Young Life’s Camp and an hour the other direction to Santiago’s airport in the mountain village called Buena Vista), and planning some fall RV traveling around the US to attend meetings and see longtime friends and family.
We would treasure your prayers and encouragement for patience, wisdom, and joy during the next months while we continue to work in our respective vocations and begin the process to build a maintenance-free home that will be our US home base… on a lot two doors down from our daughter Kate and her family!! Here is our recently cleared lot and mailbox! God is good and faithful. We pray we can be, too.
I am sure that in this next part of the journey God will have many new learnings that He will prompt me share.
Thanks for waiting so long with me to share this message…Blessings until we journey again together. Keep well.)
Epilogue: Sabbath
*Apologies for the length of this entry. Since it’s been two months from my last posting, I had a lot to share. You get a two for one today… Bless you for continuing to journey with me on this path.
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy; You are to labor six days and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. You must not do any work—you, your son or daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the foreigner who is within your gates. For LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea and everything, in them in six days, then He rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and declared it holy.” Exodus 20:8-11 NIV
A few weeks ago, in the aftermath of the holidays, in the midst of three weeks of bank training work, and in the process of packing essentials to live in the Dominican Republic for two months, I realized that I was worn out and that it had been a while since I had “kept a sabbath day.” Shamefully, I even hadn’t thought of “the sabbath” in a long time. Sure, I go to worship services regularly. And I’ll admit that I occasionally, on a Sunday afternoon, take a nap “to rest” or read a book with Lulu curled up with me.
afternoon in early January
But I haven’t really experienced a sabbath in a few years.
My Sunday’s for the last three years have been filled with watching a live-feed worship service at home or on the TV with my mom, caregiving one of the three loved ones that have passed, grocery shopping, catching up on emails, managing estate finances, preparing to teach banking courses in person or virtually, putting laundry away (that Bruce has washed and folded)… all those need-to-do in life things have filled every day of the week, most weeks of the year.
The thing is, I know what “sabbath” means. Heavens, I even led an entire women’s weekend retreat on this very topic years ago. Some of y’all reading along might even remember that weekend. But somewhere along the way of “living life” I have let slip the practice of taking a sabbath.
If you Google “sabbath” you will see entries like these:
“to rest”
The Jewish Sabbath (from Hebrew Shavat/Shabbat, “to rest”) is observed throughout the year on the seventh day of the week—Saturday. According to biblical tradition, it commemorates the original seventh day on which God rested after completing the creation.”
or
“The Sabbath day was intended to be a day of religious observance and abstinence from work, kept by Jewish people from Friday evening to Saturday evening, and by most Christians on Sunday.”
or
“In Abrahamic religions, the Sabbath or Shabbat (from Hebrew שַׁבָּת Šabbāṯ) is a day set aside for rest and worship. According to the Book of Exodus, …”
Well, there you have it. My confession and the conviction that I have been negligent in keeping one of “God’s ten best ways to live.” The first reference to the sabbath is found in its entirety in the Torah/Bible, in the book of Exodus chapter 20, verses 1-17. These verses describe the words that God gave Moses, up in the clouds on Mt. Sinai. Words commonly known as The Ten Commandments. In verses 8-11, is where the fourth commandment is found, to keep a holy day, to rest and worship our Creator.
When I have been most faithful to keeping a sabbath, this is what a Shabbat looked like for me. I coordinated my weekly schedule to have a worshipful, quiet day. I made sure my “chores” were done by Saturday night. I wouldn’t plan for entertaining in our home on a Sunday so I would either prepare a meal ahead (crockpots are great for this) or plan to serve a simple one for us to enjoy that evening. I purposely wouldn’t look at emails all day (harder than you think). I would enjoy time with my family or a neighbor if we happened to run into each other while out enjoying the beauty of the day. I would nap, read, or take a walk or a bike ride.
If you reread the scripture at the beginning of this journal, you’ll see that when God gave the “top ten” to Moses, they weren’t given as a suggestion. They weren’t a “why don’t you think about it and maybe give these a try” type of communication. God gave them as commandments. Have you wondered why He picked out ten specific things to command His people to live by?
In total the “Commandments”:
- Require that we not misuse God’s name, or place anything before God (don’t swear or make/worship other “gods”);
- That we be content stewards of the relationships and material things that He has provided (don’t lie, kill, steal, commit adultery, or covet, and honor your parents).
Holy scripture commentators propose that God has several reasons for giving us the ten best ways to live. The fourth commandment regarding the sabbath, (also discussed in Exodus Chapter 31 verses 12-17 and Chapter 35 verses 1-3) is a direct expression of God’s desire for us to obey Him and emulate Him. He worked hard for six days and then rested to appreciate it. Scriptures tell us that He is a loving yet jealous God. He loves us so much that he wants to spend time with us. He wants to relate to us. He wants us to appreciate Him and the beauty of what He made in the world. He wants us to appreciate how he made us, too.
To do this we have to have time apart from the business and busy-ness of life. God has always known that we need the time away from the stresses of living to be able to focus on just Him.
Secondly, when we experience a time of “sabbath”, we are not only reminded to be faithful to God with this obedience, but we also get an opportunity to build our faith in him; to strengthen our trust relationship with Him.
A sabbath can eliminate our misconception that we can not only manage but master all that is around us. When we take a “sabbath” we can break some of the chains of this world compelling us to accomplish tasks and achieve results on our own. God gave the Israelites (who were wondering about in the desert with no stability or safety net) specific instructions on how to keep a weekly sabbath. God wanted them to take a break from work and trust Him to provide for them on that day. God wants us to experience the joy of trusting in Him for the same provision… that we haven’t had to strive for.
As many of you all know, I am a “doer” and “manager.” This sounds so much better than to admit I have been a “Type A”, “control freak”, most of my life, doesn’t it? So, “letting things just happen”, “waiting on the Lord”, “just be”… aren’t natural for me. God has been working on me since my late 20’s to help me release my need to plan and manage my life and put all my faith in Him. I have found that “trusting God” and the work of “letting go” can be painful. I tend to hold things very tightly, so when things/people are “ripped away”, I struggle with myself and with God.
My experiences with; career sexual discrimination, infertility, losing a baby in utero, giving up a lifestyle to support Bruce through seminary and in pastoral ministry, moving around a lot for different church calls, having my benefited job eliminated and moved to a consultant role, losing our young adult son Will to cancer, and losing both my parents in the last 18 months, have each brought me closer to God and taught me to open my hands and heart for the transformation He wants to do in me. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away… blessed be the name of the Lord”.
It is hard having things you treasure taken away. It is hard to not experience life the way you thought it was going to be. But God made a covenant with those who believe in Him, and treasure a relationship with Him, that He will in turn provide us the desires of our hearts. Not immediately and not necessarily the way we want it, but He is faithful.
I’ve made some headway in letting God be God, because I am not. But I know I still have a long way to go. By spending an entire day once a week worshiping God, focusing on His love and many provisions for me, I can be refined and strengthened in my spiritual walk.
This next song is one that I was introduced to by my Mayo Clinic Mohs surgeon Dr. J.C. Martinez and his surgical nurse, Kaleena, literally, when I was having a skin cancer removed from my face almost five years ago…a few days after our daughter Kate was married. The music was a powerful backdrop to my sharing about Kate’s wedding, which birthed a beautiful sharing that my young doctor lost of his mother when he was in college, and Kaleena, (who now a special friend and I found out later that she) was privately undergoing tests for cancer herself at the time, and was missing her Mom who lived across the country. We were all crying by the time the song ended and at created a “special moment” as Dr. JC put it, that has blessed me ever since. I don’t know the backstory for this song from the musician Ray LaMontague’s point of view but I like to listen quietly to the words as if they were coming from God. Listen, read the words, and note the phrasing…
Thirdly, when we rest from the things of the world to be with God, we build intimacy with Him, we build trust in Him, and we can be filled with wonder, restored in our interpersonal relationships, and rested physically. When we’re rested, we can better focus on the “work” He has us doing during the other six days of the week. To have a focus on beauty and the positive is so good for our mental health.
God wants us to know that setting time apart to delight in Him should be a priority every week and it is for our personal good. Our own mental and physical well-being is at stake when we don’t allow ourselves to be refreshed.
So refresh yourself by taking some deep breaths and spend the next minutes, listening to this worship music, soaking in the words of love, and meditate on resting next to God.
So, why my personal focus on the sabbath right now?
Jarabocoa is in the lower middle of the yellow Zona Norte Central
This past September, during a work trip to Argentina, my husband Bruce was approached by Rafa, the Regional Leader for Young Life in the Dominican Republic (DR) and across the Caribbean, and he invited us to come to the DR for two months. Bruce’s role would be to help prepare Rafa’s new camp and ministry leaders for the upcoming short-term mission trips the ministry is scheduled to host this spring and summer. Since I was able to provide some training on budgeting and financial analysis for Young Life’s ministry in Nicaragua several years ago, we put out feelers with the ministry to see if I could support them with training during our stay. There didn’t seem to be the same need in the region, so I started wondering and praying for how God would have me use me time there.
The idea began to form for me not to necessarily go looking for something to do but to take time away, to rest, to heal from grief, and to reflect on God’s love and provision for me. I felt the time away could take the shape of an extended sabbath….a “sabbatical”.
The word and concept of a sabbatical comes from the same Latin root word as sabbath. To rest and draw strength from God. A sabbatical sounded to me like a very good way to spend my time away. My excitement for the time the DR began to grow.
God, Your faithful love is so valuable that people take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They are filled from the abundance of Your house, You let them drink from Your refreshing stream, for with You is life’s fountain. In Your light we will see light.
Psalm 36 7-9
So that is what I am doing right now, in the first month of our time here. As I share with you, I have stepped away from most (mas y menos) of the day-to-day demands of my regular life and working world in the U.S. I have been walking in the beautiful nature here at the Young Life camp outside Jarabacoa, Dominican Republic called Pico Escondido. I have worshiped God with new Dominican friends and enjoyed a Sunday lunch with them at a local buffet café. I have napped, read, returned some work emails and built an excel spreadsheet for some upcoming work)…and am now writing.
Daily I have “work” to do here. I pick up trash on my walks around the camp (Rhonda D, you have taught me well), I walk outside our two-room apartment to the ramada sitting at the far end of our building, to get 3 liters at a time of potable water for cooking, drinking, and brushing our teeth. To get food provisions we walk down a big hill on a rocky road. It’s about a half-mile down to the super mercado … then as Bruce says,“we walk the 2 ½ miles back up.”
Here I am enjoying the company of Genesis, Kathy, and Doris
while we chop veggies for the weekend camper’s meals.
The big bowl of thinly sliced onions are for the DR
“comida tipica”, called Mangu.
last Friday evening at camp.
I also volunteer in the camp kitchen, where I am learning some new Spanish words and enjoy listening to the sisterly banter of the women who help prepare meals for kids and their adult counselors who attend weekend camps.
Regarding my unofficial kitchen duties, I have “graduated” from initially unloading bags of fresh produce and clean laundry and organizing them on metal storage shelves….to peeling hundreds of heads of garlic over two days… not cloves but heads, to chopping veggies to make pico de gallo salsa and slicing the super thin dozens of onions for topping a native dish called Mangu (cooked and mashed green bananas with butter and cream.) I think that they gave me the onion chopping job to see if I would really hanging in there. I start with four onions and that quickly became a couple dozen. They don’t know I wear contacts so the onions don’t bother me. I think I inadvertently earned their respect, which backfired today when I wore my glasses instead of contacts… it was painful chopping there for a while. Above is a photo of my garlic assignment. Mucho ajo! Un monton de trabajo!
If you know anyone from the DR, you know that they speak quickly and I may catch 2 out of 10 words they are saying…or should I say shouting. Okay, they speak with a lot of passion! Kitchens are noisy places anyway and with the din of four to five ladies “conversing” it makes an amazing humming sound in my ears, I focus on cutting, listening in, and praying. The life of work and prayer in the kitchen has taken on a real monastic feel for me.
In our apartment I clean regularly. With the facts that; we can’t flush toilet paper here (you put it in the trash can in the bathroom 😦 ), we have dusty/rocky roads at camp, and our windows stay open (no AC)… there is always some wiping down, sweeping and mopping to do. I prepare our meals with a four-burner gas stop top that we use matches to light. We have no microwave or icemaker, and it takes about 5 minutes to make a cup of coffee in the mini percolator… instead of the 30 seconds it takes with the Keurig at home.
These inconveniences mean I can take a few moments of sabbath time to just gaze out the window and appreciate what God has created. Until today, we had one cutting/prep knife, one cooking spoon (no spatula to turn our food) one pan (everything sticks to it so you need a stainless scouring pad to get it clean) and one medium size ancient pot (no lid). So, we splurged at the super mercado and bought a non-stick frying pan and a small pot with a lid. Despite all this I appreciate God’s provision for good food and the comfortable place that has begun to feel like home.
Is it sounding like a sabbath experience to you? You bet it is! I’ve found the shift in focus has actually been a restful time for me. Having to focus on life’s basics and getting to prepare fresh, locally grown foods is energizing. In the evenings there currently aren’t meeting to get off to or projects to make progress on. We have no compelling reasons to check email, yet another time. Just time cooking, talking and relaxing.
Another thing the sabbatical is teaching me is what “First-World Problems” mean, and how I have let so many petty things get on my nerves and rob me of my peace. Here, outside of Jarabacoa, we lose either power, water, or the internet connection every day. Sometimes multiple times a day, for two out of these three “necessities”. Here most people have a few sets of clothing and can only afford rice, beans and whatever is growing in their yard. When they have a chicken, they eat every single part of it…including the feet (minus the toe tips… I watched them chop them off today!). The feet are a particular favorite. I spared you a picture of the outer chest of a momma pig that was cooking in a pot this afternoon. They boil that part of the poor pig and then oven roasted it crisp… “Chicharron” it is called… oh my. Perspective is everything.
chickens/pollo for the weekend visitors coming to camp…
note the feet, that explains why I have only bought chicken
breasts at the super mercado down the hill! …And I am a
dark meat girl!
On the other end of the spectrum… I fortunately asked for a Kindle for Christmas (compared to my iPad they have a super long battery life and light up on their own!), and I brought along with us some gluten-free crackers and a few travel candles. There are benefits of being a “list person” after all… see my December journal entry… So, we’ve periodically enjoyed candle-lit appetizers and an evening meal followed by time with a good book… while saying a word of thanks for the gas stove top that lights with a match so we could have a hot meal!
I am treasuring the rest and peace here with the different pace of life. There is so much of God to observe and experience here. My prayer is that regardless of where I am that I can learn to carry a spirit of sabbath with me every day, and that I will have the discipline to continue to have days of quiet and space from technology and other people. It’s a little hard in a two-room apartment to have the feeling of a sabbatical all the time :), but Bruce has been great about working at the Young Life Camp office just up the hill and giving me space to be quiet and just be.
It’s our second week here and I am learning that it takes time to decompress from our “First-World” pace and step away from life’s distractions to embrace God. I am more and more aware that if I don’t allow myself to rest and listen to God, I won’t hear from Him the direction I should go. He can’t direct and equip me for what’s next on my life’s path.
Long ago I heard the expression, “you have to fill up your own ‘pitcher’ in order to have something to ‘pour out’ into other people’s lives.” So, let’s circle back to the question from earlier: Have you wondered why He picked out ten specific things to command His people to live by? … particularly to take time off to rest and relate to Him?
I don’t think it is because He wants to control us by limiting what we should do. God isn’t a killjoy. No, I think it is all about Him loving us so much that he wants us to cultivate a peaceful mind and a physical wellbeing by being obedient. Submitting to Him because He, like any good parent, knows what’s best for our best lives. I know I want what’s best for me, so I am learning anew that I need to be obedient to God by resting in Him.
“We(I) continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way.”
Colossians 1: 9-10
By the way… I just learned from Roy, another gringo who was the camp manager here for 20 years (he is now responsible for building a camp for Young Life in Haiti), that the name of the camp, Pico Escondido, means “hidden peak”. Roy explained that it was named for the mountain that reins above the camp, that is sometimes hidden behind clouds. As I write to you here is what it looks like.
the clouds today.
Interesting…a peak hidden by clouds… just like when Moses got the Ten Commandments from God on the top of Mt. Sinai.
Yeah, this time here in Republica Dominicana, is going to be a great sabbath. Todo esta bien!
Epilogue: List
Those of you who know me, know that I am a list maker. I love to make lists because I love to accomplish things and then I love to check items off the list. AAAHHH the sense of accomplishment of a completed check list, it brings joy to my soul. Are you a list person too, can you relate? Lists have been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember.
The first time I likely thought of a list was from the classic Christmas song, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” You might know how the particular part goes: ”He’s making a list, and checking it twice, gonna find out whose naughty and nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.”
Well, I knew I wanted to be on the “nice list” so I would be sure to get a gift from Santa on Christmas morning… and, well if lists were important to Santa, then they must be important for me.
I don’t know when I started writing out my various lists, but numerous outside influences were certainly at play into my upbringing… like the classic song from one of my very first movie viewings, “My Favorite Things” from the movie, The Sound of Music.
There have always been the shopping lists to make, the project lists for work with deadlines clearly a key factor. Then there were the annual back-to school lists and gift lists for birthdays, but my all-time most extensive lists making would occur at the holidays.
Lists for holiday cards to write and mail/email. A list for teachers, dance instructors, coaches, friends, and family gifts… to buy and wrap. But the most massive lists were the multiple ones for the large open-houses Bruce and I would decorate for, cook for, and host annually, for 150 people, arriving in three shifts from 4:00-midnight, typically on the second week each December in our home.
Like me this year, you may be asking why in the world would we do such a thing… it was our way to say “thank you” to friends, co-workers, staff, church leaders, and neighbors who had been so kind and supportive to us over the year. With my travel work schedule and Bruce’s pastoral demands, there just wasn’t enough time to reciprocate one-on-one with folks, so we had a big party. I look back and wonder at how we did all that with two young children, and our two “more than full-time” jobs. It was a lot of work but such a joy. Notice the last thing on the list in the picture below… with the vanilla extract stain on it… to the bottom right… smile!
Ah, yes, the joy (and stresses) of the holiday season. Having people say it was the highlight of their year… those were kind words for sure. Or seeing our children thrilled on Christmas morning with Santa’s gift and those that us parents and the grandparents could provide. Sweet affirmations that encourage list making.
Big Christmas celebrations were always part of my family’s holiday experiences, so part of the joy. For decades we had a huge Christmas tree, over 12 feet tall, filling the cathedral ceiling of my childhood home…Covered in and surrounded by lots of lights, with a hand-painted (by my mom) nativity scene on the double fireplace mantel, lovely centerpieces on every table in the house, fresh poinsettias outside the front door, lots of friends and family visiting, and loads of gifts. It was always over-the-top with traditional music, church services, caroling in the neighborhood, hot chocolate, cookie making, gingerbread house assembling, and eating delicious meals. So full, so warm, so preciously familiar. Those were the holiday traditions I grew up with.
It was always so tender for me to arrive at my folks’ home late on Christmas Eve, (Bruce would still be at church getting ready to lead the later evening services) and then read the Christmas story from the gospel of Luke to Will and Kate, using the huge family Bible that sat on the living room coffee table. Then I read them “The Night Before Christmas,” they helped me set out cookies and milk for Santa, and I tucked them into their beds for prayers and sleep. Only then (if all the gifts were wrapped and Santa gifts assembled with the help of my Dad) could I settle down with a glass of eggnog in my hand, next to a fire flickering in the double sided fireplace, at the foot of a huge tree…to quietly give thanks for all the provision God had blessed us with and for His help in getting me through another busy season.
our first Christmas as Mr. and Mrs. and in
2004 with Kate and Will checking out what
Santa brought them.
Those few minutes of peace to give thanks to God were what I enjoyed the most of all the traditions. Sitting quietly by the tree, pondering the year that had all but passed and imagining what the new year had to bring. With everything checked off the list, I could finally allow myself time to pause to enjoy the excitement of the surprises that were in store for the family the next morning. Time to marvel at the fact that God came to earth in the form of a child in a working-class family, so that through His incarnation I can be forgiven from all my sins and have a relationship with him… for eternity.This tenet of my faith has always been an amazing realization. There wasn’t anything I had to plan for or to accomplish for that to happen. No lists were needed. Nothing other than believing in Him.
Yes, I always found it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve in my childhood home…every single year for more than five decades the excitement and joy of the season made the holiday so bright.
The past couple of years the story has been different for me. The holidays that were once magical, with or without my own efforts from a check list, have now become painfully hard. This year, in particular, has been the hardest. Will is gone, Dad is gone and now Mama is gone. We won’t see Kate and her family until Dec. 26. It’s good for them to have Christmas morning in their own home with their son (and our grandson) Walker and establish their own traditions. I get it, but it is yet another change that obviously wasn’t on my check list, and I can see now I wasn’t ready for it yet.
This year Thanksgiving was a rough one for me for several reasons, so I decided that I didn’t have it in me to put up a tree. To get the most enjoyment possible out of it. the family tradition was to select a fresh tree, put one up, and decorate it the day or two days after Thanksgiving. I did buy a small rosemary tree this year, like I did the past couple years, to decorate as a table-top version of what I’ve always had. But the thought of pulling out the dozens of ornaments that my parents bought for our family on their trips around the world, or the ones that either the kid’s Aunt Lori or I bought for them on our different trips around the world, was way beyond my strength. The little rosemary tree is still sitting “au naturale”, outside on the front patio in its plastic pot from Lowes … along with several half empty flower boxes, that haven’t been attended to in months. That’s another tradition for me to update the flowers outside for every season. But not this year.
To keep myself from looking like a total Grinch, I did hang a wreath on our front door… so that the neighbors wouldn’t think too much was amiss at the Hedgepeth house. And I pulled out some holiday kitchen towels and placemats to give a nod to the holiday, but that’s about as far as I got.
No, my heart just isn’t into the decorations, or the Christmas carols, or the gifts. It’s a good thing that we decided months ago to give a gift of a trip together with Kate and her family instead of the numerous gifts under the tree. Time together beginning on the 26th will be sweet and a chance to form new memories, maybe start some new traditions. Through the loss there is still the joy of sweet memories with my loved ones that are gone.
After spending long days cleaning out the folks’ things these past 18 months, I am beginning my mission of reducing the “stuff” in our house. The expression, you can’t take it with you is literal, you know? Kate will likely still have a bunch of things to dispose of “when the time comes” to deal with our earthly possessions, but hopefully it will be less than what was left to me and my sisters to deal with. As I wrote that last line it reminded me that while working on my mom’s estate finances this week, I came across a list that my Dad made a few months before he passed away in 2021, to remind me about what I needed to do “when the time comes.” He left it sitting by his recliner in the family room. I think God wanted me to remember Dad today and in what ways I was like him… handwriting included. Notice I dutifully checked items off when I completed the important tasks. As a long time banker and now a third time estate trustee in two years, I can attest to the importance of lists and notes to effectively managing someone else’s finances and final wishes.
Dad’s list of what to do “When the time comes…”
So, where does this leave me this holiday season? Grieving, yes. Feeling uprooted, yes, but, hopeless? No. It has brought me back to what is the holidays are all about. It’s about love. God’s love for us regardless of our chosen religion. It is not only about the people who I have around me, the traditions, the gifts, the lights, the food…No. It’s about “the reason for the season.”
My life’s path feels like it has changed these past few years. My priorities aren’t the same. My dreams for the future aren’t the same either. It has been painful beyond words to let go of some life wishes when we let go of Will…and yet I feel comforted at the same time. As my friend Susan from Texas reminded me today, that my loved ones have never been so good as they are right now. And I know who to thank for that. Without Emmanuel, “God with us,” I wouldn’t still be functioning and breathing to praise Him. God is the reason I can get up every day. And it is His birthday that is the joy of the season. It isn’t easy for me to let go of the traditions/trappings of the holidays that had me feeling good for so many years. But those traditions aren’t obviously what brings true joy. The traditions meant so much to my parents and they still do to me, too. So, I don’t think I can ever let go of all of them. This year I have sent out holiday cards to long-time friends because I want them to know that I love them and am thinking of them. I have purchased and wrapped a few gifts, but mostly I got stocking stuffers that are “consumables” for the very same reason, love… and less clutter 🙂
I knew that my approach to Christmas had changed quite a bit this year, when in late November I saw this little frame in Aldi’s while grocery shopping. It struck a chord in my spirit, and I brought it home. Maybe all my “to-do” lists are obscuring the real meaning of life. This little frame is one of the few decorations I have sitting out this year.
Not a bad spiritual insight for $ 3.99
Yes, this little list made me sit back and question all my past holiday list making and priorities. What good are the exterior decorations on our house if there isn’t love, and kindness inside? What good is a hand-picked personalize gift if it isn’t appreciated or if the person isn’t here anymore to open it? What good is setting a lovely table and spending hours preparing a delicious meal if those around the table are unappreciative or argumentative? It seems to me that holiday traditions are meaningless without the true meaning of holiday behind them.
For my Jewish friends, this is the season of Chanukkah, the celebration of lights and God’s amazing provision for His people in a dark and threatening time. For those of us that are Christians, it is the celebration of God’s love for the world that propelled Him to send His only Son, so that we could forever be in a relationship with Him. Being a parent who begrudgingly lost her only son, who was also in his thirties, the unfathomable strength that it took to to allow your son to be separated from you knowing that he would suffer and die, simply overwhelms me. But it’s this love of God for us and His provision that are the reasons for our celebrations.
Even with all the hopes and dreams that I’ll never see materialize, for all the traditions that I’ll never experience again and, for all the blessings and joys of the past that will never be felt the same way… I do still believe in Christmas, the promise from God that He is Emanuel…with me. If I allow Him to direct my path and I look for Him along the way, I’ll see that He is with me through all of life’s highs and lows. I can see the joy of Christmas on any day and I can count on the promise that He won’t leave or forsake me.
A relationship with the living God means that regardless of the holiday situation and traditions that are or aren’t the same anymore, I’ll always have Him as my greatest source of comfort and joy. Maybe I don’t need as many check lists.
May this holiday season bring you the gift of the awareness that there is much love, comfort and joy awaiting you from our magnificent God. That’s a tradition that I want to embrace.
Blessings to you and yours until we walk along the parallel path together again in 2023!
Epilogue: Clouds
When you were young, did you ever play the adaptation of the ‘I spy’ game with friends, where you would look at the clouds to see different shapes that reminded you of something? I remember finding Mickey Mouse once, likely an outcome of growing up in Orlando, FL at the time that “The Mouse” arrived! Well, I haven’t played that game in decades, so it has made it very unusual for me, even before Will passed but more frequently since, that I have received messages from God through clouds. Now I know you are likely thinking that I’ve totally lost my mind… and I have experienced a few challenges over the past 24 months that could lead to this expected outcome. I have muddled over whether or not to send this post out because I felt it needed to be authorized by God and not just by my own insights. But recently I have received many confirmations, one even this afternoon during my final proofing of this entry, that have encouraged me to share my “cloud”insights with you.
My fellow Floridians will vouch for the fact that we can experience many different types of clouds down here. Because Florida is a peninsula and I live just a few miles from the coast, cloud formations often pass over us rather quickly. In summer-time the cumulous clouds, the ones that build up high and fluffy, turn into those fierce afternoon thunderstorms that my home-state is well known for. I found it rather unusual that during Will’s cancer journey, I became aware of how God brought stratus, cirrus, and cumulous clouds into formations that not only spoke to me messages of hope, peace, joy, comfort, love, but now bring back powerful memories of our son.
God’s cloud messages to me started from photos at the beginning of Covid in 2020, which my dear friend, Jill Campbell, would send me every weekday. Jill (who has since moved to Charlottesville, VA) lived on the tip of the San Marco, Jacksonville neighborhood, maybe a mile from us, in a 22+ story condo building overlooking downtown on the edge of the St. John’s River. With very few exceptions, due to heavy rain or low temperatures, Jill would walk, pray, and take photos on the streets and bridges of the city. When she returned home from her walks, she would look over the various photos she took to choose the one to send out for the day’s “Morning Prayers.” I would wake up with anticipation to see what she captured for that day. Sometimes the mornings were bright and beautiful with yellows and oranges reflecting on the clouds and lighting up the sky… sometimes the sunrise was soft and muted… and other times the shots were dark and brooding, showing a swirl of storm clouds getting ready to blow in. Jill wouldn’t often write much with her photos. She didn’t need to. The text would usually only say “Morning Prayers”… but I would occasionally get a note like ’scaley skies’… ‘raining all over the world’…’morning glory’… “can you find the dolphin?”… or “rise and shine.”
Yes, her photos spoke so much, words really weren’t necessary. I would ‘read’ from the photos things like… “God is magnificent… or “It is a new day full of beauty so I can hope.”…or “What artistic skills God has!”… or “Thank you God that you are for me and that you send me friends to help me get through these rough waters”… or “Even though I struggled to get up today God, you didn’t. You showed up so I know you will help me do the same.”
It was quite a few months into Will’s cancer journey that I started to notice not just the amazing ability Jill had to capture the clouds reflecting perfectly off the river’s water, but also to notice images in the photo’s clouds.
Images in the clouds… flashback to childhood. My two favorites are first a sunrise cross reflected in the water and the reminder of God’s promise that He’d love me forever and second of a large arrow. When I saw the arrow, I heard “keep going forward.”
This “arrow” message happened to come at a time when Will was rapidly declining, and it had me motivated to search for a transplant option for him. The day before Will passed, I was trading phone messages with the Cleveland Clinic location here in Florida, where Will “just so happened” to have had sought a second opinion the year before, so he was considered an existing patient and therefore eligible to be considered… but we ran out of time and a transplant wasn’t meant to be.
After Will passed the cloud messages seem to intensify. I wasn’t too many days after Will passed and I was sitting at my desk in my home office, trying to do… I can’t image what… when I found myself staring out the window in my fog of grief. Suddenly, my eyes focused up in the sky and in front of me was the sky full of ‘ribs’. During Will’s Journey he had gotten so thin that he was literally little more than skin and bones. I would go to his room to have a chat, bring him beverages, ask what I could do to make him comfortable, give him back rubs, finish some work, read quietly…and a lot of times, just sit near his feet and watch him sleep. When I saw the sky that looked so much like Will’s cancer-ridden body, I snapped this photo with my phone and wept. It seemed like it was just a few minutes later that the clouds were gone, and I could ‘hear’ the message that “Will doesn’t look like that anymore. He is totally healed now.” That messaged helped to calm me. But the image still sucks the air out of my lungs.
In the following weeks and months, it seemed like every time I looked up in the sky there was a cloud formation…specifically a cloud with a hole in the middle of it… another message. I felt the formation reflected the hole that I felt in my heart… a part of me was missing… I am not complete without Will.
In the 24 months since Will’s passing, I have lost count of how many ‘holes’ the Lord has given me in the clouds. The message I have heard is that God knows me and feels the pain of my loss, right alongside me. There has been comfort in these sightings but also great sadness. Each time it draws me closer to Him and to Will and for that I have been thankful.
It wasn’t until after Bruce and I traveled last October to visit DeLand, FL friends, Keith, and Mary Napier, at their northern property, a lake house in Michigan, where the meaning of the hole in the middle of the clouds began to change for me.
We had been enjoying several days at the lake, visiting with them and their daughter, Dani, catching up on family news and thoroughly enjoying being together on the lake in kayaks and boating. We’ve known the Napier family (and our extended family as our children Will and Kate called Keith’s mom ‘Grandma Ruth’) for over 20 years. Will and Kate grew up with their children, Dani and Joe. Will even lived with their family in DeLand, FL while he completed a pediatric clinical rotation during medical school. Ten months before he passed. Will was able to attend Joe’s wedding.
So, during our fall visit, one evening down by the lake, we were relaxing on the dock, waiting for one of their award-winning sunsets (they love to taunt us throughout the year by texting us pictures of their amazing sunsets). It was just before the sun went down when a cloud formation appeared that looked to me like a set of huge angle wings running parallel to the top of the trees at the end of the lake.
Then to the left of them was a smaller cloud formation that look like a set of mini wings running vertical the lake…and these wings were followed further to the left by a formation that looked like God’s hand holding the moon.
Look below for the zoom shot of the moon in the hand. Can you see the sliver of the moon 1/4 of the way from the tips of His fingers?
Okay, so you might think I am a bit crazy, but let me tell you, there was such a sense of peace that washed over me. A ‘word’ of promise that God knew about the hole in my heart and despite it He was there to help me heal… to hold me up in the palm of His hand, like He holds the universe. I felt the peace and assurance that God had his angels watching over us as well as Will. Next came a beautiful sunset to top it all off.
Based upon these sightings, I was coming to believe that the “holes”, while a reminder of my pain, weren’t necessarily to just remind me about an emptiness. The holes let me know that God is in my life journey and this insight has brought me peace.
I recall the scripture that shares the Lord’s promise to us that He will provide us with a peace that is unlike any other that we can experience on our own.
Then scriptures say:
27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27
I feel like this extraordinary peace is the same peace and joy that I have when someone shares a special remembrance about Will, recounts a sweet story of him, reminds me of a funny moment with him, or shares the way one of Will’s books (that they chose at Will’s life celebration last summer) has impacted them.
While originally writing this entry a work colleague and friend, Susan, called and shared with me that every time she sees a heart hanging in a tree, which is apparently something that is a tradition in Cleveland, that she thinks of Will. In the past year, after Will passed away, Susan was walking among a number of trees where there were hearts hanging while she was thinking of Will, and one heart started to twirl and swing, when there was no wind or movement of the other hearts. She felt it was Will’s spirit sending a message that he was well. When I receive messages like this there is a special peace and joy that reminds me that because of God’s love, Will’s spirit lives on still, just in a different way. And I also hear from the message that God loves me and that my life is still here to be fully lived, just in a different way. This peace and joy has led to more hope for me.
Several months ago, I spent a few days in DeLand, FL. The plan for me was to once again stay with the Napiers (at their lovely southern property this time), to visit, shop for, cook meals, and drive to a chemo appointment for another friend, Bethanne, who is battling two types of Lymphoma.
To pass the time driving across the state, along dreaded Interstate 4, I rang up my friend Cathryn from Massachusetts. We caught up on each other lives and shared prayer concerns. I was feeling anxious about being with Bethanne, as I had only seen one other friend battling cancer since Will passed, and that one visit (with a gal named Pat) was really distressing for me. Within seconds of seeing Pat, I had so many ‘flashbacks’ of Will’s chemo challenges that it took my breath away.
So, I wrapped up my phone call with Cathryn and stopped to gas up my car to finish my drive to DeLand. As I began to pump the gas I gazed up in the sky and this is what I saw.
It looked like a hand… God’s hand, reaching out… And in my spirit, I could hear the scripture that was shared with me by my Spiritual Mom, Gloria… Gloria is the biological mom to Cathryn… yes, the same Cathryn who I had just spoken to asked her to pray for me. Her mom Gloria had passed away 364 days before:
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”
Isaiah 41:10
The timing couldn’t be just a coincidence, could it?
I felt such confidence that both Cathryn and Gloria were helping to support me, to uphold me by praying me into God’s righteous right hand.
My time visitin’ (as we say here down south), with Bethanne, and several other long-time friends in DeLand was blessed. I felt so uplifted and encouraged by this time to serve and reconnect. Prayers were answered.
Right before I left town, I took a couple minutes to return a missed phone call to a friend in Iowa, Susan. We had plans to speak alongside of each other at a women’s retreat she was coordinating and we needed to cover some outstanding logistics. After talking about the retreat, I shared a bit about how God was using cloud formations to remind me of His presence with me and she mentioned that the continued ‘hole’ messages of His presence with my loss could possibly mean even more. She encouraged me to keep looking and listening for all that God has to say through the “holes”. And as she was speaking to me, I looked out my car window and there was, yet another hand, this one reaching toward me.
Okay, God… I’ll keep looking and listening.
When I returned home, I sat down to have my quiet time before I planned to continue writing this journal entry… remember that I started writing it months before. This is what I came across during my reading time from the book “God is My Hiding Place” the devotional by concentration camp survivor, Corrie Ten Boom:
“When we are at the center of God’s will, His grace keeps us. Each assignment releases His wisdom, favor, and protection. We must be careful not to hold on to what we have when God calls us to move on. Let us be sensitive to the leading of His Spirit and commit each day to Him.”
Page 84
I kept rereading the quote, “…at the center”… in the middle… of His will. It jumped off the page. Surrounded by God and being where He is calling me to be, which means to be aware of where He is calling me to go. A long-time favorite passage from scripture is Proverbs 3:5-6. My company’s name (Pathway Development Company) was influenced by this writing of King Solomon.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Proverbs 3:5-6a
As daunting is it seems, Instead of focusing on “the holes” in the cloud formations reflecting a place of loss and emptiness, I felt called to focus on the holes representing a place where I am surrounded by the love of God. A place that reflects the call to walk in the center of His will. This could mean letting go of what I know and what I think I need and instead, embracing what He has next.
While this uncertainty feels unsettling, God promises us that His peace will replace the other clouds, storms and challenges that are present in my life and yours. I don’t know about you, but I know that I can’t consistently conjure up peace within myself. As much as I try, I can’t figure everything out in my own mind. I have never “done life” perfectly. However, He is making it clear that I need to continually seek Him and trust enough to walk in His will. By keeping my eyes and ears open to receive His messages I can walk a path parallel to God’s.
.
27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
It’s raining here in Sarasota today… just like it did when another tropical storm passed through two years ago today… on the afternoon Will passed away. There were rainbows in the sky just a few hours after Will said “I love you, too” and walked into the Lords loving arms. I am praying again today for God’s strength to keep living without Will. And for His leading me with eyes to “see” more within the clouds and rainbows with the message that the joy will come in the morning.
Epilogue: Fall
Hello dear ones,
I apologize for the long delay in communicating with you, not only from my journaling, but also in returning your messages on the OPP website. I am happy to be reconnecting with each of you this week. As you’ll read below, my mother passed away within 38 hours of unexpectedly losing our bother-in-law Colin and then we had a hurricane in our part of the state of Florida. My life’s path has been a rather challenging one, yet again. So, thank you ever so much for continuing the journey alongside me. I look forward to hearing from you.
entry drive to New Melleray Abbey
Fall… when I think of the word “Fall” many things come to mind:
… Fall is a season of the year because that when leaves fall from trees
… Fall is what can happen if you slip on something wet or are unsteady on your feet.
… Fall is what happens when you are become totally overwhelmed with love for a special person in your life.
… Fall from grace, is what happens to your professional and/or personal reputation when you make a series of mistakes or bad decisions. Or when you disappoint others by not living up to their expectations of you, or even when you inadvertently make an enemy of the wrong influential person.
… Fall is what happens to trees when a hurricane arrives, and the root system isn’t sufficient to withstand the high winds and can’t hold it securely in the ground.
to lose it leaves.
A Time for Everything: by King Solomon
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
“Fall” is the season of the year that we are enjoying right now in the northern hemisphere. This is the time of year when the nights are cooler (even down in southwest Florida…it’s all relative) and the days crisp (in the more northern regions) and bright. While Fall days are shorter, they are filled with the beauty of the colored leaves, deep blue skies, and the smell/taste of all-things apple and pumpkin spice. During Fall carefully tended crops are harvested, the bounty celebrated, fields are tilled to return nutrients to the soil and some plants are left to go dormant and even die-back, so that after the cold of winter, new life can begin in the spring.
in a partially harvested corn field. In the background the
dried stocks of feed/seed corn await the combine
to harvest the remaining ears.
When I think of Fall, I think of the Upper Midwest where I’ve had the opportunity to live twice and visit dozens of times. My husband Bruce and I are currently on a road trip in our RV, out to Iowa for the annual Fall Board of Trustee meetings at the University of Dubuque. After this week we will head over to Illinois, up to Wisconsin and the over to Lake City, Michigan to Young Life’s camp Timber Wolf Lake, for leadership meetings. As we traveled up this way during the last week, we have marveled at the fabulous “fall colors” that we have seen this year. They are the most stunning that I have ever witnessed.
reflection in the upper windshield
God’s creation has “wowed” us all along the way, through one state and into the next. We have watched the green John Deer tractors and combines harvesting corn and soybeans from the cab of our RV, saying a prayer of thanks for their hard work to feed our nation. And we have celebrated the bounty of fellowship time by taking the opportunity to stop to visit dear friends near; Charlottesville, VA, Pittsburgh, PA, Cleveland, OH, Columbus, OH, Elkhart, IN, Dubuque, IA and to come Madison, WI. Spending time with this diverse group of individuals we either met during my banking career or in Bruce’s graduate school and church calls, has brought so much “crisp air and color” to our travel days. Taking time to share wonderful meals, reminisce, catch-up, laugh, weep, rest, hike, encourage and be encouraged, has brought a warmth to my heart that I desperately needed. Those of you who have faithfully followed along during Will’s cancer journey know that we took him on a trip two years ago at this time in October. From that experience, I decided that if I was given his diagnosis of only 6-9 months to live that I would go see all the people who are near and dear to me.
in October of 2020, a month before he passed,.
Well, I decided that I didn’t want to wait for that diagnosis but would try to take any and every opportunity to be with those that mean so much to us while we are able. So be warned, if we know you well and you live in the continental US, we may turn up in our 30’ long RV in your driveway.
As I am writing to you, I am sitting in my favorite study room here at the monastery called New Melleray Abbey, in Peosta, IA. The temperatures have reached the lower 40’s this afternoon (from a low in the upper 20’s last night). The rolling corn, soybean, and alfalfa fields around me are partially harvested.
The wind is whipping through the colorful leaves on the trees and the sky is that lovely shade of blue. Unlike my home in Sarasota, the seasons up here change drastically. But things here, inside the thick walls of the monastery, remain warm and consistent.
Here at the monastery, the Brother’s sing the same Psalms to the same cadence on the same days of the week during the month, accompanied by the same chapel organ. The words and movements of their liturgy is comforting and consistent, as is the smell of the lingering worship incense from the morning’s mass.
on which days of an “Even Week.” There is a similar
for the Odd Weeks.
There is a stability here at the monastery that is spiritually and physically anchoring for me. I have been coming here to pray, listen, read, walk, and write for over 20 years. This place sparked a spiritual awakening in me that lead me to lead Women’s retreats and find more ways to connect with God at a deep level. This connection has been a falling in love with God. This place has allowed me to pursue an intimacy with God that I hadn’t experienced anywhere else. It is here that I have consistently felt the abundant love and provision of God. Like my network of diverse friends around the world, New Melleray is part of my “life tree’s root system” that has allowed me to withstand the hurricanes, some of them literally, that have blown through my life.
Speaking of hurricanes, just before Hurricane Ian hit Southwest Florida’s coast, a month ago this week, we unexpectedly lost our Chicago area bother-in-law, Colin (age 68) and then my mother Jean Gilliland (age 88) to a hard battle with congestive heart failure and kidney disease.
area orchid show where my father was honored.
our brother-in-law, Colin Carroll, a retired
fireman/paramedic when he was on a trip
to the Philippines. Colin frequently
taught, served and performed mobile
medical missions in the Chicago area and in the Philippines.
Since February of this year, Mama had been in and out of the hospital, skilled nursing units, and in her own independent living apartment in Winter Park, FL. The tipping point for her came after she contracted Shingles a couple months ago. By mid-September, Mama was ready to be out of the physical pain, to be relieved of her mobility limitations (she experienced several literal “falls” in the past couple of years which added to her complications when the foot-to-hip Shingles appeared on her right side.) She was ready to be released from the indignity of needing full-time care. We are very sad at her passing but relieved for her that she now lives in peace in a restored body with our Lord.
On the morning of Mama’s passing my sister Susan greeted me with a hug and the words, “Well, now we are orphans.” Since our Dad passed away in February of 2021 it was very true from the earthly perspective. In truth, I have felt a rootlessness since Mama passed. Countless times this month I have reached for my phone to call to hear her voice and make sure she is okay. In certain situations I have wondered what solution Mama would suggest.
There is a major gap left that my earthly parents previously filled. I was reminded by a new work friend Margo, from PA, that while my earthly parents aren’t here anymore, that I have a heavenly Father who will always be there for me. It is my faith in God’s promise of unconditional love and eternal life for those who believe in His son Jesus. A promise I learned from my Mama. My spiritual beliefs have been the main branch of my “life’s root system” that has kept me from falling in the strong winds from rounds of end-of-life caregiving and the eventual losses.
“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.”
Psalms 52:8
“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”
Deuteronomy 7:9
“Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.”
Psalms 48:9
“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”
Psalms 86:15
“… neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:39
As I reflect on where I am in life, I feel like the last three years have been a season of Fall for me, physically and spiritually. Having lived here in the Upper Midwest, I have learned that Fall can arise in me either feeling of melancholy or anticipation. Feelings that things are gearing-up for a change… they aren’t going to stay the same. In the Upper Midwest Fall brings with it a knowledge that a long, cold, and likely grey winter is ahead.
During this Fall season of my life, I have appreciated the “vibrant colors” from the support and comfort provided by dear friends and family that have blessed me. Likewise, I have felt the pressure to continue to “produce crops” to bring in a “good end-of-the season harvest” (i.e. keep working professionally to meet client expectations and family budget plans, keep caring for those family members who need me, try to keep up with the relationships that are important to me, while managing now Mama’s estate requirements..I need to finish well.) During this season I have become aware of some of the brittle barrenness that has come with years of striving and the recent rounds of caregiving and prolonged grief. The need to use the remainder of this season for restorative changes is on the forefront of my mind, to avoid the possibility of significant “breakage”.
monastery.
There is much opportunity for restorative change this Fall season.
… A chance to “clean out the barn” so that “newly harvested crops” can be stored away. Literally, as soon as I return from our road trip, I plan on going through my dresser and closets and make a major purge of what I don’t use or need anymore. I have also been thinking about my pace of life and how I have filled it. How I have spent the last few years and what are the current expectations and demands on my time. I am asking God to clarify and direct how I spend this next season of my life. What is there time and the chance to do?
… A chance to put cozy flannel sheets on the bed to snuggle in for the comfort a great night’s sleep. Caregiving and grief have had a way of keeping my mind whirling and interrupting my sense of peace. Rest has a way of equipping me with strength for life’s daily demands.
… A chance to change up my daily schedule to exercise more. No longer do I get to spend hours driving across the state to visit with, arrange for and help care for Mama. I now have the options to get back into my yoga routine, ride my bike more, plan time to fellowship with friends, wear a sweatshirt (vs. a t-shirt) and to get myself outside to embrace the invigorating change in temperatures and the scenery of God’s creation.
… A chance to sip on a hot non-caffeinated beverage (vs. something ice cold) and nibble something healthy and homemade to nourish my physical being. It’s a chance to take a break from processed/semi-prepared foods that I ate a lot of in the past nine months, either in my car, or at Mama’s apartment after a late-night hospital visits, or take-out with her in the nursing care units… they try hard but you know how food is in those places.
… A chance to give thanks for the relational and spiritual “roots” that I have in my life that help keep me grounded and tapped into the sources of goodness and life. This chance also includes the opportunity to have better boundaries with those people or calendar items that are not life giving. A gracious decline of an invitation can mean time for a more restorative ‘appointment’.
… A chance to daily appreciate the harvest of blessings, regardless of its apparent nature, that God has bestowed upon my life.
3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Matthew 5: 3-11
Let this Fall be an important season on your life’s path.
Epilogue: Gifts
Written yesterday…on July 28, 20222…
If you know anything at all about the Hallmark Channel’s broadcasting schedule, then you’ll know that it is reaching the end of “Christmas in July” series. Time is running out to see your favorite Romcom stories that all end with a promise of happily-ever-after and a kiss. Now, don’t roll your eyes at me!!! During the past 18 months I have become quite the fan of sitting beside my Mom, (and sometimes with sisters Susan and Ginny) enjoying mindless movies that show diversity, selflessness, helpfulness, loyalty, perseverance, forgiveness, and creativity… all, of course, with a focus on cultivating love. Don’t you think our lives could use a lot more of these things and less of what we hear in the news?
While I enjoy the positive diversion of the sometimes predictable movie scenarios that the channel produces, it was in the first of the 2022 Christmas movie premieres that I watched, “My Grown-Up Christmas List.” It included a line that jumped right off the script, out of the actors’ mouth, and into my heart, “Not all gifts have bows.” It really got me thinking.
Now, don’t hear me wrong, there is nothing wrong with “gifts”. We all love receiving gifts, don’t we? And speaking of gifts, my birthday was the very next day after watching the movie… and I’ll admit that at that moment in time I was looking forward to seeing bows on a few gifts… and hearing the birthday song played from the family’s singing cake… most of us can’t carry a tune!
But that one line amongst many others from the movie was like a hand held up for me to stop, look, and listen. It felt like a command to recall all the things in my life that are truly gifts… not just the special one’s people pick out, pay for, and wrap up for me. While these types of gifts are very nice, too, and always appreciated, the other “gifts” that I started to mentally note were precious in totally different ways.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” Ephesians 2:8
The list that I wrote in my journal that day started like this:
the pool at New Smyrna Beach! A
tower of love!
- Appreciating my family for the support, love, and great memories that they have blessed me with
“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16
- Capturing (digitally) the precious smile that our grandson Walker loves to flash
- Spending time face-to-face with Northern Ireland friends David and Mairisine, to talk, cry, hug, shop, cook, eat, and reminisce… it’s been a long, hard 2 ½ years.
Appreciating the kindness of strangers, in the beach condo elevator and at the local grocery store
“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38
Gazing at amazing sunsets across from the beach… overlooking the estuary
- Receiving an unexpected phone call, note, email, text, or card… each of which expressed love to me with encouragement that I needed at that time
- Appreciating the fantastic Independence Day-July 4th fireworks, that exploded right over our heads, on the sand of New Smyrna Beach, FL
- Gaining the insight that the deep sleep that I had… for almost five full days… compliments of COVID… just after I arrived at home from a month with my mom in the hospital and her rehab room, on a non-work week so there was no guilt for just sleeping… was the much-needed rest I had prayed for
- Continuing a long-time family favorite and tradition, cooking from my grandmother, Mimi’s, hand-written recipe, and then eating her fried chicken for July 4th…
waiting for Mimi’s fried chicken to
be served
- Hearing that my mom stood up for 10 straight minutes, without assistance
- Soaking up a hug and its comfort, provided by my grand-cat Lulu
- Taking a long walk on a quiet beach with Bruce
- Sitting by the shore, listening to the tide roll in, with my toes in the sand, cool water on my feet (it actually splashed up on the bottom of my chair :o), a book in one hand, an adult beverage in the other hand, and the feeling of the setting sun still warm on my shoulders
… And since our return from the beach, I have added:
- Swimming some laps in the pool after a hot bike ride or muggy walk in the neighborhood
- Getting to cook a homemade meal in my own kitchen… knowing that Bruce will clean up after me
- Making plans to see many long-time friends on this fall’s RV road trip… our spring trip to see family and friends in MO, AR, AL and FL
- Having a virtual happy hour to catch up with friends Jo and Karola in Germany
- Enjoying lunch with friends Lisa and Jim who just dropped into to town from St. Pete to enjoy one of Sarasota’s amazing museums
Will’s 2020 celebration under
hospice care…is miraculously still
inflated and a reminder of his
special celebration with friends
and family
- Treasuring words of comfort and support today from Kate C., Kathy P., Rebecca, Lori L., Mary and Keith N., Lauren and Jody B. and Susan C., who remembered it was Will’s birthday…Born 32 years ago in Winter Park, FL… at 6:54 AM… he continued to be a morning person his entire life
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
- Making the overnight oats recipe that Will taught me to make …I had it for breakfast today in his honor
- Realizing how blessed I am to have given birth to two children who have forever changed my life
- Rejoicing that because of my faith in Jesus Christ, as my Lord and Savior, that I’ll have eternal life… so I’ll not only get to see the Father’s face, but I’ll get to be with Will, my dad, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, the unborn child that I miscarried in 1992… and so many others I’ve known and loved… what a grand reunion it will be!
My “gift” list… yeah, so many gifts without bows. Yeah, it is indeed, Christmas in July!!
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17
Thank you, God.
stone. I wear it most days close to
my heart
P.S. Another gift is my husband, Bruce, who graciously edits my journal entries for me
On Parallel Paths 