(I send my apologies for the length of this journal entry. It was as difficult for me to write, as it was for me to navigate life this past year. But that is how God seems to work with me and my soul… on parallel paths. May His nature and name be honored in the words written and the comparisons drawn.)
Yep, I am a planner. And it definitely wasn’t my plan to take nine months to finish writing and post this journey entry. That itself is a clue of how the past months have gone…
Making plans is just as natural for me as having a beverage in my hand during every waking hour of the day. If you are one of my friends that started off as a banking workshop client or participant, then you know I am known for having three beverages at a time on the front table of the “classroom.”
Of course, that hasn’t always worked out well. Like the time I sat back on the table and almost landed on my cup of coffee. Fortunately, it didn’t turn over on my laptop. Or, the time I was driving with my charging mobile phone when it fell into my open glass of water. Maybe “Spills” will be a future journal entry.
But back to “plans.” Creating a plan involves a lot of big-picture imagining, often driven by priorities and goals. For me planning includes thinking of outcomes/consequences, and then weighing risks and returns… as us “credit risk professionals” like to frame it.
Yes, I love to brainstorm, create options, decide about a direction, and then formulate a plan to “get there.” Often in the details of the plan are where my checklists come into play. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll read my Journal entry “Epilogue: Lists” on this website.
It’s the dreaming and planning that come first before the lists. Without a dream or vision, you can’t create a meaningful plan.
I love to plan everything; from what’s for dinner (most nights), or how to entertain visiting friends from out of town or out of the country, or what to buy for someone for their birthday, or who we can make plans to see on our annual fall RV road trip, or how to best support the growth and development of each of my children (grandchild now), or where to live as we get closer to retirement age, or what the house needs to be like to allow us” to age in place”, and on and on.
our pastor friend Mairisine from
Northern Ireland…yum!
I don’t know about you, but I started planning parts of my life when I was young. I began building expectations for things like: sorting out my interest and availability for various afterschool activities, dreaming of vocational careers to pursue, or which club and community service involvements to sign-up for. Whether to make part-time work a priority in the schedule, and what learning curriculum choices to make to accomplish my educational/work goals. How might these choices impact the next decision about my education or training? Which college or university would be best to attend? What work vocation do I want to pursue? Where in the country or world do I want to live?, or at what general age do I think I want to make a marriage decision? Do I want to become a parent and if so, when? How do I ensure that established priorities are supported on a daily and annual basis? How can I support my loved ones, to help them become their best?
As I reflect on it, life is rich with planning opportunities! Each stage of life, from childhood to senior adulthood has a vast number of opportunities and requirements to plan.
But how accurate and effective have I been at making plans over the decades of my life? In some ways, it’s really an irrelevant question, isn’t it? If you’ve lived long enough, even a couple of decades, you know that life doesn’t always go according to your plans.
I have learned that whenever I build a plan my expectations start getting built as well. And this is where I often set myself up for frustration and disappointment.
Just today, (written on October 8, 2024) up in lovely Door County, Wisconsin, where we are camping and celebrating my sister-in-law’s birthday, I re-dislocated a toe and couldn’t get a shoe on.
Having good hiking shoes on, to enjoy Peninsula State Park is part of the Hedgepeth family’s 50+ year tradition. Well, there goes my plan to hike up Eagle Tower, across Linda’s Meadow to the Pooh Tree, then down to the Shore Trail, pass the cliff caves to get to Green Bay, and back. Really!!!!
with Bruce, his parents, sister Linda with
husband Colin, Will and Kate.
Of all days to have a mishap, why today? On top of that, today hurricane Milton is headed toward central Florida and specifically the city of Sarasota where we’ve lived on two different occasions. And there are many family members and friends who will be in harm’s way or have their personal property threatened by the storm.
Since our campsite in the park has no WIFI or cell service, I am spending time today at my sister-in-law’s hotel while she, her friend Debby and Bruce make the coveted hikes.
This time, with my iced foot up and my laptop on, is giving me an opportunity to pray for, call, email, and text with many Florida friends, to make sure they are provisioned and taking cover with the storm approaching. It is making me slow down during a time that has been very busy and freeing me up to write to you. Yeah, I would rather be hiking and enjoying the cool and sunny weather up here, but God is giving me the grace and perspective to take a deep breath and appreciate what He has put on my heart today. (P.S. several friends had their home flooded; the Foxes condo and contents was destroyed inside during the hurricane that day, the Deems lost the first floor of their home along with their RV and a car, others lost roofs, fences, access to their businesses, every thing in there refrigerators and freezers, and many lovely trees. Fortunately, everyone was safe from personal harm.)
Today is another example of how my plan results don’t always materialize as brainstormed. Frequently, something gets “lost in translation.”
Sometimes it’s something as inconsequential as today’s hike, or the look of the decorations I put on a cake, or the consistency of my gravy for mashed potatoes at the holidays. Or how an outfit just doesn’t come together like I thought it would. This one as been particularly problematic over the decades when I’ve traveled with a limited wardrobe and wanted to look appropriate for a client engagement. Like the time in 2006 when Delta lost my luggage for five days out of a six-day work trip to Florence, Italy. Oh, darn… I just had to go shopping!!! I’m still thankful for Mindy K. my training partner on that trip who found a local marketplace with realistic prices for clothing and a second suitcase to bring it all home in… instead of the “high street stores” that wanted $150 for a simple white blouse!
Minor plans not coming to fruition are frustrating. But what happens when an important plan doesn’t work out? Have you ever felt confused, frustrated, and on occasion, even downright devastated to have plans fall through? Speaking for myself, when the expectations for something significant are not met, it can be difficult for me to adjust and move ahead.
Like, when a job didn’t turn out to be what it was promised to be or as rewarding as what I had imagined. Or when a personal relationship ended on a sour note, or when the life of someone very dear to me ended way too soon.
This last one has been specifically true when our son Will passed away from cancer four years ago on November 10th. Gone are the plans for his cardiology fellowship, a wife, a family, a practice near us, more family trips together… continual reminders that my imaginings and “plans” for Will…will never be.
Yep, plans not materializing can be devastating. And even though it’s been years, there are times where I feel the pain, anger and questions rise up in me. The devastation feels like it was just last week that we lost him. There’s been so many times when I’ve tried to get “a handle” on our loss… that I could hardly pray.
friend Lori L at Will’s celebration of
life, July 2021. Don’t you love the
Scrabble 30th birthday greeting made
by my sorority sister Kathy M.?
I had prayed so hard for his healing. We worked so hard with his doctors and did our best to give him excellent medical care his entire life. So when Will didn’t recover from his cancer I sort of stopped reaching out to ask God for help for me.
I guess I took on our daughter Kate’s mindset when she was 3 years old. “I do it myself!” I’ve wondered if God really listened to my begging to heal Will and if He cared how I was doing. Like a self-sufficient and stubborn 3 year old, I’ve let this keep me a bit distant from God.
When I’ve found myself able to wonder and pray, I ask question like “will there never be an answer as to why Will had to suffer and die?” or “Is there a way that I can turn Will’s pain and the loss of his talents into something that can help others?” or “Am I ever going to really be “okay” again?” So many questions for why the “plans” didn’t work out and why I still feel lost in all of it.
Deep down, I know that I haven’t lost my belief in God. I believe that He is all knowing (Omniscient) , all powerful (Omnipotent) , always loving and always present (Omnipresent) . I have experienced for decades how He can speak, guide, forgive, and provide for me. At one point one of my main spirtitual gifts I could admit to having was that of faith. But since our loss of Will, I just haven’t “felt” heard, guided and provided for. It’s felt like a huge testing of my faith.
I know that Bruce and I have had so many people praying for our entire family. And I am aware that it is by God’s grace that I am even to get up and accomplish anything on some days. Yep, somedays, I feel like I am living life, just going through the motions. So thank you, if you’re one of these special people who have prayed for us.
These past months have been another one of those times where a lot of plans didn’t turnout the way that I imagined. I had plans for how I would spend my time during our late January-June 2024 visit to the Dominican Republic. That is when this journal entry began to take shape in my heart and mind.
I had plans at the beginning of last year that I would be working many days up at the Young Life’s camp, Pico Escondido in Jarabacoa. Plans to have lots of interactions with many college, church and family teams that work up at camp and with my Dominican kitchen sister’s and other ministry expats.
But my early January Mayo in Florida diagnosis with Morphea, and the prescribed autoimmune medication I started off with, left me often tired, nauseous, and with a headache. Lacking the energy and enthusiasm that I typically operate with, was not what I wanted or planned.
that didn’t get built.
Add to that the frustrating 18 months, of not being able to get a home built, two doors down from our daughter and her family. We trusted a builder that we had worked with before in a successful renovation, only to find him lying to us and cheating us. The time and money that we lost during this process was not in the plan when we signed a contract with him.
You know how life plans go, don’t you? Maybe for you it was that job offer you were certain was yours, but it never came through… and you had already pictured what it was going to be like and even had your workspace all mentally organized. Or, was it that special relationship or marriage that didn’t work out the way you and they promised? How about an accident or long-term health condition that has you unable to do everything that you used to do? Have you had a diagnosis that you dread? Have you been left with chronic pain? Or was it the violation of trust by someone close to you? Or was it about your friend, child, parent, sibling, or spouse passing away much too early? Could it be the inheritance you were promised was taken by someone else, or the savings you built and appeared to be sufficient for; a house, education, business-start up, or a secure future, that ends up not being enough? Was it choices that you made that you wish you could reverse? Was it the partner or child that you always dreamed of having that hasn’t happened?
“You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.”
Proverbs 19:21 NLT
“Here’s the preachy part,” as my retired firefighter-paramedic-missionary brother-in-law Colin would say (Colin who is in the black T-shirt in the scrapbook picture above, unexpectedly passed away the day before my mom in September of 2022). The holy scriptures of the world’s three monotheistic religions agree on telling us; that when God made heaven and earth, He declared it all good. Then the original human creations of His did the one thing they were told not to do, and this disobedience allowed evil and sin to be unleased on our world.
We live in this world with that “fall” from God’s plan. So things are no longer perfect or fair. Because of human’s separation from God, which wasn’t intended, bad things happen. It’s the evil in the world that brings us loss, sadness, destruction, and pain. While it’s not God who causes the bad things to happen, he does allow it. Like me, you may question why would a good God allow this to be a reality? Why do such hard things happen that impact us for reasons that are beyond what we think we deserve and our ability to understand? There are entire books written about this very topic and the hard question. So, I won’t attempt to come close to providing you all the evidence to prove it’s true. But here are a few scriptures that I am clinging on to.
Scripture tells us that God’s ways are not our ways. Here is how the prophet Isaiah puts it:
“8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9. NIV
Also, there is a season for everything. God is the only one who has the big picture of what goes on in the world-we only see a tiny part of what He is trying to achieve. We aren’t promised a trouble-free life (no matter how good we are or how much we plan). But, despite what we feel, God has clearly stated that He loves us so much.
The almighty God desires a relationship with us so that we will keep Him our top priority and that we will rely on Him to turn even our failed plans for our safety, provision, and our over-all good.
King David wrote in Psalm 62:7-8:
“My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.”
Read and meditate some more with me on these next verses which have been preserved over the millennia for us.
From King Solomon:
A Time for Everything
“3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, NIV
I know that I don’t have any control over “time”, or the season that I find myself in, but deep down I still know Who is in control of it all. It is my faith that I am holding on to, and it’s God I am trying to grow closer to, regardless of how life and my plans are playing out right now. I am trying to focus more on the good that I have been blessed with instead of the change in plans that I didn’t want. Surrendering to God, my plans, and trusting Him to take care of everything, has become part of my morning quiet time prayer meditation.
Jesus Christ said,
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 (NIV)
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
Proverbs 16:3
We also have God’s promise in Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And The Apostle John wrote:
“3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21: 3-5
What has God made new out of my failed plans? Here are just a few examples I want to share.
My early career disappointments turned out to be the exact experiences that I needed to build a learning and development career. A career that I have found to be extremely rewarding and has provided flexibility, travel benefits, and income that worked well for my family.
The pain and disappointment of no hike with that dislocated toe meant found time to catch up with friends that were in the middle of a hurricane and added to my understanding of messed up plans.
The failed plan for the construction of a new home means that the bottom-line final costs for the renovation, we had to pivot to and just completed, was likely less expensive than the original plan to build the other home.
The diagnosis of Morphea and the autoimmune medication I have been taking did alter my plans for ministry activities last year, but it did allow me to enjoy lots of restful time with the mama-dog Dora, who adopted us and then gave birth to four delightful puppies. What joy they brought (and still bring) us, was a gift.
I still have no answer for some of the biggest plan deviations/deviations in my, and I likely won’t this side of heaven. You bet asking about Will is going be one of my first conversations with The Almighty.
crab hunting at the beach.
I am focused on appreciating more and more making time for and memories with those living family and friends that I still have, because of all the losses I’ve had, Will, my parents, Bruce’s Mom, a brother-in-law, and school friends.
What I am holding on to during this season of reflection and healing is; a focus on praising God for His many blessings, a focus to use God’s word in making new plans for my life, and a focus on the perspective of allowing troubles and failed plans to be opportunities for emotional growth, spiritual strengthening and overall perseverance.
Hear the wisdom that come to us from King Solomon:
Wisdom Bestows Well-Being
3 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.
3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
The things that God is calling me to plan are:
–To know in my spirit, not just mind that He Is still there for me.
–To spend time quietly with Him, (“We must keep God in front of us” Jerry Bridges)
–To spend time in holy scripture to understand His ways and promises more
–To focus on my love God more than I do my love for anyone or anything else.
Jonathan Edwards, the colonial American Congregational preacher, theologian, missionary to native Americans and president of the college of New Jersey which became Princeton University, said in his sermon “Safety, Fullness, and Sweet Refreshment in Christ”, “If God in his providence calls his people to mourn over lost relations, and if (God) repeats his stroke and takes away one after another of those that were dear to (his people); it is a supporting, refreshing consideration to think that Christ has declared that He will be in stead (fill the place) of all relations unto those who trust in Him.” I know that I need God to fill the empty places in my broken heart. I can’t do it myself.
–To trust in Him for what is really the best plan for me. He has the big picture, I don’t.
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 NLT
God has the best of life planned for us that seek Him. And He will help us use our life’s planning failures for His glory. He wants us to have hope in His good plans for our lives. “Hope,” now there is another word worthy of examining. Hopefully, it won’t be nine months before we journey together with this word on parallel paths.
Keep Well!
On Parallel Paths 