For the past 30+ years my vocational passion has been training bankers. Now don’t yawn on me yet! Not all financial training is dry and boring. After teaching my first program in financial accounting to a group of newly-minted, and highly stressed, college graduates… and because it actually was really boring… I was bound and determined for future experience to be engaging, enlightening, and understandable. By incorporating things like a “Jeopardy” style game to the material, handing out A+’s for right answers to encourage participation (who doesn’t want an A+?), using jokes, and telling of my own “real-life” stories of failures and successes that were relevant to the topic… I’ve been sufficiently employed ever since .
Because of my early facilitation learnings, I’ve been blessed with the joy of working with some of the brightest financial minds in the commercial banking and equipment finance industries. I have worked with participants from North America, Latin America, the Caribbean, Europe, Asia, South Africa, the Middle East, and even Australia. They have taught me many things about the financial industry, the world’s religions and cultures, and the richness of diverse personal relationships… all while I have led them in accounting and the process/art of credit risk analysis. It has been a wonderfully fulfilling career.
Aside from what I’ve experienced in the workshops I have led, I have logged over 2.5 million air-miles with Delta Airlines alone. I have gotten to see some beautiful sites around the world… many wonders like: orange hued sunsets gleaming over the roof tops of Venice, across the Nile in Cairo, and at JFK airport;
the elegance of springbok/elephants/giraffe/rhi-nos/and lions living on the South African plains in Pbilensburg; snow-topped Bavarian Alps soaring near Munich; the two Sierra Madre mountain ranges circling Mexico City; Lake Erie with snow flakes falling and white caps rising on the shore of Cleveland Ohio; baskets bearing spices and animals at the labyrinthine ancient trading market, Souq Waqif, in Qatar; the Golden Gate Bridge stretching across San Francisco Bay, CA; the San Antonio Texas River Walk meandering through town; shimmering buildings on The Palm Jumeirah in the Persian Gulf, Dubai;
Mount Rainier on a sunny day towering over Seattle, WA; the bluebells (and a crazy-stinky-weird plant called Titan Arum blooming for 2-3 days every couple of years) at Kew Gardens outside London; Niagara Falls roaring near Buffalo, NY; the Eiffel Tower and Seine River gracing Paris France; grazing deer in the park lands at the Earl of Warrington’s estate of Dunham Massey, near Manchester England; the river Thames flowing under Tower Bridge in London; wafting music down cobbled streets in historic Old Montreal; yachts gliding on the blue waters of Biscayne Bay, Miami… many “wonder-filled” sites!
The word “wonder” spoke to me this week during my quiet time here in Buena Vista, Dominican Republic. I have been reading a book recommended to me by a former client and now dear friend Kate M. titled: Quieting the Shout of Should: How a Life of Less Can Lead to More, by Crystal Stine. As soon as I heard the title I downloaded the book for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the word “should” is one I use a lot when I lead training courses, and another reason is because I have struggled with living with many “shoulds” for as long as I can remember.
https://youtu.be/Ejycllx5iwA?si=rvJPsXtIYSK5X4yP
During decades of analytical work, that I have either personally performed or taught, the important concept of establishing expectations for what you “should see”, has stood out. For example; before you look at a set of financial statements, calculate a ratio, or meet with a business leader, you need to set some mental expectations. If you don’t have expectations of what you “should” see and hear, you’ll miss some important insights about a business’s management, financial performance, potential risks, and financial opportunities. There is strong evidence for the benefits of efficiency and accuracy by establishing “shoulds” throughout the analytical process.
During my classes, I carefully articulate this, so that participants don’t misunderstand my wording… that ‘we will be “should-ing” on the company at times, and it’s important that we do this.’ Pardon me if you find this disrespectful, but this usually gets lots of smiles a bit of laughter in return. Because of the phrasing, my financial training participants don’t forget that It’s critical to establish expectations or “shoulds.”
Likewise, I have done a lot of setting expectations or “shoulds” on myself and others during my life. I think I come by this not only with my higher education training, but naturally by way of living with my Mama.
There were many “shoulds” put on me and my siblings when we were growing up. I am sure that I have passed along some of them to my own family and I think I have just naturally continued to build on them as I got older.
“Shoulds” like how you: should dress at certain times of the year or for a particular function; should make your bed first thing in the morning; should brush your teeth before bed; should change your sheets every week; should always wear clean underwear… in case you get taken to the hospital (really… is that why?); should wash your dishes right after you eat; should offer to help others; should say “please” and “thank you”; should eat healthy; should get plenty of physical exercise; should get eight hours of sleep a night; should go to university; should get a good job; should work your hardest to get promoted; should entertain others in your home (center-piece on the table and all); should manage your money well; should write proper thank-you notes; should return phone calls/texts within 24 business hours; should put other’s needs before your own; should save for retirement; and on and on. Can anyone else relate to these?
And most of these “shoulds” don’t include anything about raising children or caring for elderly parents or a sick family member, if you happen to have any of those responsibilities as well. There are a lot of “shoulds” that we have heaped upon us by ourselves, the community we live with, and/or from the busy world in which we live. Do you feel “should-upon” yet?
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus Christ by Matthew 11: 28-30
Think about some of your “shoulds.” There are a lot of good “shoulds” that we take on, aren’t there? There things that “should” be done just so that we can survive. But what happens when we focus on the “shoulds” that seem so to be weighing us down? What if we are living a life that doesn’t reflect the will of God and the deep desires of our heart? What if we let worry about what we are doing or not doing creep in? Worry, if whether we can do it all or if we don’t do the “shoulds” well enough to please whomever it is that is “should-ing” on us.
“Worry,” I’ve said for decades, “is something that I learned well from my mother.” Mama was an amazingly bright, organized, and capable woman. A professionally educated teacher who was raising four children, while working in my Dad’s business, and volunteering in every organization that she was part of, making time to cook delicious family meals, and creating all kinds of ceramic gifts for family/friends/teachers, while learning to sew our elementary school clothes (Lordy, how I hated wearing those polyester matching outfits, particularly in the heat of the summer.), teaching Sunday School for over 45 years, never missing the timing of taking all of us to a scheduled extra-curricular or church activities around Orlando, and graciously hosting people in our home… all with great originality. “She was the original Martha Stewart” as my sister Susan says.
My Mama was an amazing person. But she had a lot of “shoulds” that she worried about doing. My observation was that her “shoulds” and worry over an event often made the outcome of her work AMAZING. But the anxiety of it all was stressful for our household. You may be able to relate to this mindset, “if I worry a lot over something it can keep bad things from happening”. Mama never said this with her words. But I, apparently, watched and listened and saw the results, because I found that I adapted many of her strengths for how to work. And also with a pattern of “shoulds” and worry. You’ve heard the sayings, “Our greatest strengths are often our great weaknesses, and “Two sides of the same coin.”
https://youtu.be/-Gv8VDqc-os?si=qZATW6sNnyM8AVbh
A twist on this thought pattern was introduced to me this week when I read at my reader’s 50% marker, in Quieting the Shout of Should, where Crystal Stine proposes,
“The opposite of worrying less isn’t to be happy all the time, but to seek wonder–God’s hand and presence–in all our circumstances and as we do that, as we intentionally shift our focus away from what we can do to what God has promised to do, we can spend our time working on the things that matter–the small next steps that help us grow to be more like (Him) Christ.”… “True joy and peace don’t come from what we do but from God.”
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4
“And why are you anxious concerning what you wear? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God does clothe the grass of the field, which to-day is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?” Matthew 6:28-30
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m aware that I don’t want to be “should-on” anymore. I want to do only the things that matter. Particularly if it’s “a something” that would matter to God. Is it my age and my life experiences? Or, might it also be some wisdom from God? I have less energy and patience to do the mandatory “shoulds” anymore. So, I started to meditate on Stine’s words of turning worry into wonder and I started looking around me.
Just this past weekend, my husband Bruce and I took some time on Sunday afternoon to drive and hike up to a waterfall not far from our home. The day had a cool breeze and view. Yes, I find it easy to be near to God in nature, it was “wonder-full.”
Since living here in the DR part time, I have made a habit of having my quiet times on our front porch, that offers a peek of the mountains around us. I love the quietude, the sound of the birds, and the feel of the cool breeze from my rocking chair. Carving time out of the day for reading scripture and praying could feel like a huge “should”. But I love the peacefulness I am gifted with during my time set apart for God. And it didn’t take me long to find another precious “wonder” literally close to me.
If you’ve read the last journal entry on this site, “Epilogue-Dislocated”, you know all about the street dog Dora, her accident, and her rehabilitation in our front driveway. Well, about two weeks into her recovery, the daughter/mother team who helped us seek Dora’s medical care, Dinorah and Teresa, came by to visit. It took them about one minute for them to notice that Dora was looking… “Gordita”… a little fat and they “joked” that maybe she was pregnant. Well, a week later during a trip back to the vet check-up for Dora’s accident… and a sonogram later, it was confirmed that she was indeed expecting… and only a couple weeks away from delivering four puppies… all with her broken pelvis and three working legs.
So, the vet immediately planned for a c-section delivery for the puppies. This plan required us to take Dora back and forth down the mountain to La Vega several more times for the vet to check her progesterone levels, in order to get the delivery timed right. Wouldn’t you know that as soon as I left the country for a one-day class in Chicago, she gave birth, days early, in her makeshift shed in our front driveway.
I remember from my own children’s births and holding our day’s- old grandson Walker, that new life is such a wonder!
https://youtu.be/d-iJcn37L6U?si=5AYa3cim84X6z9wv
It’s truly a “wonder,” that Dora found us… willing to help her with her medical treatments. Wonder that she arrived at our home before the puppies arrived. Wonder that all four pups arrived naturally and safely (after the accident and multiple X-rays) and that Dora has had the natural ability and strength to care for them, as if she had no complications at all. “Wonder” over worry.
The “wonder” of Dora and her puppies has me thinking about how happy and courageous she seems. Despite her handicap and lack of certainty over her future living conditions, she calmly does what she needs to do. She trusts us and receives our attention and affection joyfully, while she peacefully rests in the present.
Dora isn’t stewing or complaining about anything. She is patient with her demanding puppies and gracious to us when we bathe her (we think she likes her few minutes of spa time away from the puppies) and then change the linens in the puppy-pen.
She will sit in quiet for hours beside us to be petted, watching the clouds move over the mountains with the wind rustle the pine trees. She isn’t doing any planning and organizing because she is just being. Even as Bruce and I googled when and how to start the puppies on solid food and wean them off of their mama, Dora gradually started spending more time away from them and let’s them whine a bit longer than before. She isn’t worried about any “shoulds” for how the puppies next care steps will go. The only thing that get’s her riled up is another dog in the area.
Dora is a daily reminder to me to wonder, not worry, about what is next. Dora is a literal example to me of what holy scripture has to say about worry, wonder, and the resulting promise of peace.
” Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God peace will be with you.” Apostle Paul to the Philippians 4:6-8
So Paul’s instructions are to not worry, but pray, regardless, with a thankful heart and to look for the “wonder-filled” things around for us to keep our focus. Then, we will be blessed with peace. Moses added to this the encouragement to be like Dora, strong and courageous. Not worrying about what we “should” be doing, what isn’t working, or what might happen. Instead trust in God, who loves us and will provide for us and give us His promised presence.
“Be strong and courageous, Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Moses in Deuteronomy 31:6
Managing the “shoulds” and worries of life is about keeping our focus. Focus on God, not on ourselves and what we “should” do to manage life’s daily responsibilities and sometimes monumental challenges. Keep a focus on God, who promises to give us peace.
“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Apostle Paul to the Romans 8:6
https://youtu.be/PtKS7XXY1aw?si=riolAegvvU1_OX9
Here’s to keeping our focus on the “God of Wonders” for a full life and peace… there are no “shoulds” about that.
On Parallel Paths 