Sitting here in the hospital with my Mama, for her forth visit and third admission since February, I feel numb. I don’t think it is only because of the average five hours of sleep I’ve been getting each night, instead of the 8-9 hours I am used to… Or, that it’s been over a week and a half since I arrived in Orlando to be with her. I don’t think it is just the cold temperatures in the room or the Heart Cath-Lab waiting area that have chilled me to the bone. Or, that I have weary brain cells from participating in important legal, personal care, and procedural decisions. Certainly, all the above must be contributing to my numbness. However, I think the biggest factor is knowing that the end result of this hospital admission could very well be yet another heartbreaking loss. Based on God’s will, it maybe not imminently, but since Mama is 88, she eventually, won’t be with us.  

https://youtu.be/1CH5QaYzinI

We all know that everyone eventually dies. It’s a fact of life that whoever is born will die.  

King Solomon affirms this reality in Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 from the Torah and Bible. There are seasons in life for everything.

“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This physical reality is well memorialized by the famous quote from Benjamin Franklin, when penning a letter to French scientist Jean-Baptiste Leroy in 1789, “…but, in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” I believe this is a realistic but fatalistic perspective. The quote just doesn’t give me any comfort… does it for you? 

It isn’t death that concerns me. I believe that I am being honest when I say that I am not afraid of death. I’ll credit my faith for the fact that I know that there is eternal life waiting for me. I know I will be able to experience our almighty God in a whole new way, that the pressures and pain of this world will no longer impact me, and that I’ll be reunited with loved ones who passed on before me. Scriptures tell us a little bit more of what eternal life will be like:

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,’ and there will be no moredeath or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” 5And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then He said, “Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.”

Revelation 12:4-5

¹¹ Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. ¹² In a loud voice they were saying:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
    to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
    and honor and glory and praise!” 

¹³ Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying:

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
    be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!”

Revelation 5:11-13

“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.”

John 5:24

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ^a ; believe also in me. 2My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 14:1-4

No, I am not afraid to die because I know that it will be amazing! I am counting on great music, great food, and great conversations. Ruth, a friend of our family, and mother of one of Bruce’s closest prayer partners told her son, Keith… just moments before she passed away… “Tell them it is all true!” 

https://youtu.be/PG7cwW_QiAM

No, I am not afraid of death… However, based on what I have experienced in my life, it is the process of reaching old age and dying that has me most concerned. Years ago, I experienced the pain and suffering of this process of aging and passing away when I began to lose my grandparents. The last of my grandparents to pass was in 2001. My Mimi lived to be 100 years and three months old… she out-lived her tombstone that my grandfather had carved decades before. After her name it read, “1901-19   “. Yes, at the time we had a “Y2K problem” as I reported to my dad. Since we were blessed to live close to Mimi most of those years, I had lots of opportunities to watch the aging process firsthand. As it turned out, I was the first family member to be with her after she passed.  Years later, I had “the experience” continue during the cancer journey and passing of our son Will in November of 2020, closely followed by the loss of my father, Ed, in February 2021… with the same diagnosis that my Mama has now… congestive heart failure. That’s why it is numbing for me to see yet another person that I love struggling for life. I find that it is taking a lot of courage just to show-up at the hospital every day. 

So, I sit here at a huge hospital in Orlando on a cardiac intervention floor, watching my Mama try to sleep. Both of her arms are discolored from the numerous sites where IV’s are or have been. Her skin coloring and the look in her eyes isn’t what I’ve known it to be for the past 60+ years. Every sound is startling to her… and if you’ve spent any time in a hospital as a patient or a visitor you know that there are constant noises in the hall and people coming and going from you room asking you the same questions over and over. Questions like… “How are you feeling?”, “Are you having any pain?” “When was the last time you took a walk?” “Do you have a preferred finger for us to use to check your blood sugar?” “Where would you like your insulin shot, stomach or arm?” “What did you do before you retired?”… And of course, there is the series of eating and bathroom questions that I don’t think I need to share with you. (Oh, my!! :o)

Yes, facing the deterioration of one’s body, with increasing limitations on your everyday activities, seems incredibly difficult, and requires a lot of courage.

Courage to allow the hospital staff to help you shower, use the bathroom, sit up in bed, and walk.

Courage to help get in and out of those embarrassing hospital gowns, that don’t really cover much of your body… particularly if physical therapy requires you to practice walking in the halls.

Courage to embrace the time to contemplate leaving people behind that you love… wondering what will happen in their lives after you aren’t around anymore and pondering if there be any way in heaven for you to know how their lives turn out.  

Courage to wake up and not know what day of the week it is and being humble enough to ask.

Courage to speak up for yourself when you want neither to speak on the phone to your closest friends and family (don’t dare turn on that FaceTime option!) nor allow in any visitors… because you don’t know what to say when you feel so poorly and have nothing good to say.

Courage to pass the endless hours of boredom waiting on tests, diagnoses, next-step plans for your care… asking about the risks and possible outcomes of procedures, and where will the after-hospital care take place, and who will provide it, and what will it all cost…

Courage to reflect on your doctor’s question of what you’ve done with your life… and courage to face whatever you believe is unfinished business… And then to take those unfinished business thoughts and form a to-do list, so that you can entrust their completion to your personal representative/trustee…this past week+ has included updating a will, writing donation checks to worthy causes, requests for Father’s Day cards, and details to make a memorial contribution for a friend’s husband’s passing…

Courage to hear your doctors talk about the trajectory of your health, usually in third person, as they try to balance physical improvements with risks that could lead to end-of-life consequences… then roaming the hall to ask for a new Kleenex box to replace the box that you used up, weeping over the possibilities.

https://youtu.be/LJoABwNMzvM

The Apostle Paul wrote:

 …² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God.³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:2-5

It is hope that give us courage. It takes so much courage just to live a normal, healthy, and productive life in this day and time, don’t you agree? Consider all you and your loved ones have been through in the past few years! What challenged have required you to step up your courage? 

I’ve learned that it takes even more courage to face these kinds of challenges when your health wanes. As my Mama is known to say, “there is no glory in growing old.” I see now how she came to this conclusion. Another conclusion that I am beginning to embrace in the process of aging and facing your own or a loved ones passing, is that there are so many opportunities to grow through the challenges… As the Lord said to Joshua when he led the Israelites into the Promised Land:

⁷ “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

Joshua 1:7

Here are a few of the opportunities that the challenges from this past week have blessed me with:

Opportunities to strengthen patience muscles. Waiting for a nurse or aid to come help with bathroom duties or for the day’s procedure to take place.  

Opportunities to practice expressing thankfulness to the dedicated healthcare team that is serving you. 

Opportunities to give support to other patients and their families who are walking a similar path… I’ve met Kevin after his open-heart surgery and found out that he, too, has lost a son… and there was Melvin I met one night after 8:00 PM in the elevator between floors 8 and the lobby… Will was right when he said “Mom, you’ll talk to anyone!” Melvin had been visiting his 49 year-old wife who had suffered 6 strokes and now can’t speak or move. 

Opportunities to embrace the “hospital time warp” to listen to God’s quiet voice of love and compassion during the long hours of waiting.

Opportunities to spend extended time with my sisters Ginny and Susan, as we hang-out with Mama, reminiscing about family and laughing/crying through Hallmark movies.

Opportunities to clean out an overstuffed heart and soul of those “non-eternal” concerns and trivial hurts, in order focus on what is more important.

So many opportunities with life’s challenges.

https://youtu.be/n9ADmooylWQ

So, I ask you for prayers for my Mama’s health this week. Friday, 6/10/22 at 10 AM is currently scheduled to be Mama’s angioplasty and stint day. May her kidneys, that are currently weak, and could be compromised in the process, hold up to the procedure.  Without the surgery she stands little chance of getting any better, so after many pharmaceutical changes, the doctors feel this is the best way to now try to help her.  Would you pray also for courage and open eyes, so that I can appreciate the opportunities for growth that Gods has for me and my family during these challenging times.

https://youtu.be/ReNA46SbAX8

Song on earth as it is in heaven—-Red Rock with words

Blessings,

Cindy