(In honor of a belated Mother’s Day and the upcoming Father’s Day celebrations, I share the following contemplations with you. I began the writing of this entry back in April. It started as my preparation for sharing at a women’s celebration in Dubuque, Iowa, where Bruce went to seminary. You’ll read about my dear friend Susan a little later in this entry, but it is because of her faithfulness that I was not only invited to speak but have become who I am today. There are so many friends and family members who I can also credit for profoundly impacting my life… the most important of whom are my parents… Ed and Jean Gilliland. It is in their memory and honor, respectively, that I share with you today.)

My friend Susan Marie Doyle-Miller asked me to speak at her women’s conference in Iowa this past spring. When I asked her about the focus of the conference and what she wished for me to share, she said, “You know as women we are natural birthers. So why not share about what God has birthed in you?” This sent me on a journey of looking through my life’s lens to see how God has been at work. After you read my entry, consider doing the same thing with your life’s journey. I have found that when it comes to “birthing” someone or “something”, two main truths have become evident …

1 st There is pain and effort in a “birthing experience,” but the pain is usually followed by joy and

2 nd That one ‘birth’ often leads to another….and yet another…

The Torah and Bible talk about births, and even how God knows us before we are born because he created us. In Psalm 139, verses 13-16, it says:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

https://youtu.be/QN8CCF–E04

Each of us is unique and has a special story that God created, before we even took our first breath. So, I would like to share with you my story and how I have arrived at my conclusions about birthing. I believe that God has created every one of us, and it is not only women who can be birthers of many wonderful joys. Here is a little context for my story.

I am number 2 of 4 and the oldest of three girls, with an older brother… who basically abdicated the “first born” status of the family. If you have read any books about birth order this may give you a glimpse or two into who I am. Since my older brother was very academically gifted, I felt I had to work twice as hard to keep up with him. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until 8 th grade and then not in my career until my mid 30’s… a bit of a late bloomer you might say. I guess I have always felt behind, less capable so therefore, felt the need to compensate.

After 28 years of focusing hard on goals and developing my independence and confidence… can you say “Fix, manage, and control”??… I found myself in the 7th year of marriage to my husband Bruce. During those seven years: we traveled to Europe, Canada, and Mexico; to a weekend black-tie wedding in Mexico City for a university friend; cruised the Caribbean and into the Panama Canal; before we finally decided that we were ready to start a family… then… no matter how much we tried, I wasn’t getting pregnant. My sense of personal reliance and “will do attitude” had its foundation shaken when I realized that we were facing infertility issues.

During this time, we were part of a wonderful church and more importantly a small group Bible study. Their support was a very helpful. This time of discouragement and challenge drew me closer to God and had me digging deeper in my faith. It also meant that Bruce and I had to commit to working hard to keep our marriage secure through the stressful months of testing, procedures, trying, only to fail and starting over again. It was during that time that another young couple in our small group was surprised… and seemed a bit disorientated… by news of their unexpected third pregnancy. They were so kind and apologetic when they shared their news, but the circumstances felt like salt was being rubbed into a wound in my soul. The pain of wanting a child and not being able to achieve that goal was the first of several life altering messages for me. See, I grew up near Walt Disney World, when it opened in my 5 th grade year. So, the promise of “happily ever after” was always part of the story. Could it be that is why I like watching Hallmark movies with my mom these days?

Through the pain of this birthing infertility, I learned that “Life doesn’t always give you what you ask for or when you want it… even if you work really hard for it.” No, “Life isn’t fair” as my Mama would say. Holy scriptures tell us that we can expect to have many troubles in this world. But holding on to God, He promises to hold on to us through our faith in Him. John 16:33 says:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Blessedly, after about 13 months of many different doctor’s appointments, testing, procedures and medication changes, a precious life began inside of me. Our son, William Edward Hedgepeth was born two weeks early, at a healthy 7 lbs. 8 oz., on July 28, 1990…. Thanks to a well-timed epidural injection, there wasn’t much pain in this birthing experience and after 2 hours of pushing… just 3 weeks after my 30 th birthday… Will arrived… and with him so much joy came into our lives.

It was humbling to realize that Will was a special blessing from God. This was my first of many adult lessons where I learned that no matter how much I tried, I would never be in control of everything in my life. I was able to learn that God ordains and blesses what is within His will and within His timeframe. This has kept me aware of needing to align my will to God’s will.

https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw

I thanked God for the birthing of this lesson that came with a desire of my heart. Such joy after the pain of infertility! And this “birth” led to another “birth…” a new compassion for other women who were struggling with infertility. Over the years the Lord has brought numerous women into my life to love on and support through their journey to motherhood. Early motherhood with Will was delightful. He was such a happy and easy baby, a literal dream come true. I was the envy of my other young-mom-friends because he was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old. He amazed us at an early age… but doesn’t everyone’s first child?

Will had an amazingly long attention span, even as a toddler. He would sit for hours watching an entire full-length Disney video, or playing with his blocks, or listening to us read to him. It seems he was created to study and focus deeply on things. It was a mere 16 months after his birth that Will started to randomly throw-up. At the time, since there didn’t seem to be a pattern and he never seemed upset or hurting when he got sick, it didn’t seem like there was anything really wrong with him. “Rotavirus” is what the doctor’s office said when we would call in on the nurse hotline. He was a sweet and easy baby.

Since I was working full-time for a bank running its commercial banker training program, Will shared a nanny with another family. His nanny, Maria, was from El Salvador and she began to get worried about “Gwill,” as she would pronounce his name, when he would randomly throw up. Despite her broken English and my pitiful Spanish, we were able to piece together that something wasn’t quite right. So, began several changes to his diet and beverages to see if it would make a difference. It took a couple more months of the periodic episodes and repeated calls to the nurse hotline at the pediatrician’s office before we started to notice Will’s weight loss.

It all came to a head on one particular day, when tears from Will were accompanied with a plea for me, Mama, to pick him up because he didn’t want to even walk. So, I did pick him up, and promptly put him in the car and we drove directly to his pediatrician’s office with no appointment. After a sob that “there is something wrong with my baby,” and a quick exam by one of the doctors, I was promptly told, in her Eastern European accent, that “we will find out what is wrong.” The
doctor made a couple of phone call and told me that I needed to get Will to the hospital as soon as possible.

Oh, the sight of Will in that metal crib crying was just heartbreaking, as was seeing Will endure the uncomfortable tests that they had to run. Will was fortunately assigned to David Bailey, MD,* a pediatric gastroenterology specialist*, to sort out his diagnosis. After three days of running tests, Dr. Bailey performed an endoscopy and colonoscopy to deliver to us the diagnosis that Will had Celiac Disease. A condition where the body doesn’t produce the enzymes to digest gluten proteins from wheat, oat, rye, and barley. Fortunately, the only treatment needed was for Will was to strictly follow a Gluten Free diet… for the rest of his life. Silly me initially thought that it would be, ‘no problem… we’ll just eat white bread not whole wheat anymore… that was joyful…but ooohhhhh, NOooooooo. I was quickly corrected by the dietician that any item containing even a trace of “gluten” had to be eliminated, or Will would throw-up and/or have diarrhea.

Let me tell you, back in early 1992 Celiac Disease and eating Gluten-free (GF) wasn’t well known and there weren’t easily available GF-foods. So, the switch was a painful and expensive experience for Will at home and… and then consider eating out with the initial cross-examining of the serving staff to get a safe meal for him. The multiple questions, trips to ask the chef about gluten free options were mortifying for Will, even in his early elementary school years. As an outcome of the diagnosis, I experienced the painful birthing of waiting on the Lord for answers and trusting that those answers would be filled with goodness and for my benefit. Scriptures tell us:

“But those who wait for the LORD [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] Will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]; They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired.”

Isaiah 40:31, Amplified version

and “5Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. [a]”

Proverbs 3:5-6

During this time, to make meals as ‘normal’ as possible for our family, I needed to develop various alternative items to substitute for the “glutenous” store-bought items. Homemade GF golden cream of mushroom soup was my first adaptation. Through the “pain” of celiac disease…another joy was birthed in me… a love for creative cooking that incorporated improvising like I never had to do before. It also “birthed” for me more empathy toward others who are required to follow a restricted diet. I shouldn’t have been surprised to find myself some 20 years later, in the same situation as Will, needing to adopt a GF diet to avoid breaking out in hives. Nowadays, I can’t eat gluten, or I’ll be itching from head to toe. If there was any doubt before, we know which side of the family Will inherited his Celiac Disease from, don’t we?

The diagnosis of Celiac Disease birthed in me a third outcome, a motivation for me to pursue a consulting career in financial training. Consulting work provided additional income for our ministry family but also allowed me the flexibility to keep the family’s schedule running. It was a painful process to let go of the golden handcuffs of a stable salaried job with benefits at a well-respected bank. The tradeoffs meant giving up financial security and a proven operating structure, for fluctuations and uncertainty in my income, which was compensated by greater operating freedom and time available for my family. As a consultant I could be there for Will’s games, Kate’s recitals, and key educational dates, all while continuing my career. And because Celiac disease helped birth my career, I had the opportunity to accumulate many Delta Airline miles and hotel points that provided the means for my family, and I to build many memories of enjoyable family travels around the US, across Europe and to the continent of Africa.

Just as important, my career allowed me to meet many amazing people around the globe, from North America, Mexico, across Western Europe, the Nordic countries, Poland, Russia, Uzbekistan, to Cairo, Dubai, Qatar, India, China, Singapore, Australia… Some of these folks have become precious friends.

Take my friend Anja… Bruce and I attended a decade birthday party for her and her partner Mark in Greenwich, England (just up the Thames River from London) at the Royal Observatory. Who could say “no” to that invite?

Or the blessing of knowing Lisa (a New Yorker) and her husband Jim (from Greece), whom I met through work in London, England but now live in Seminole, Florida. They have blessed us with; visits to their homes or in ours, and have had us over for New Year’s Eve and Jim’s citizenship celebration, given us one of Jim’s paintings of clouds and enjoyed the display of one he created specifically to recognize the pain of Will’s passing.

As a good work colleague and friend of mine Lisa Engley, from Massachusetts, often says… “God writes straight with crocked lines.” Yes, joyful relationships and a few perks were additional joys to this birth.

https://youtu.be/V0Byp7aK2DA

It was around 2 years after Will’s birth that, I became pregnant, on my own. I thought very proudly, ‘now my body knows how to do this’… But at the 16 week mark, during my first sonogram, I found out that the baby had no heartbeat. Bruce was out of town on a business trip when I found out so went running to a friend in our Bible study group for moral support. The pain of grief from the loss of that baby was profound for me. This time joy of our second child’s creation was quickly followed by pain… the lost opportunity to successfully birth that child. So, instead of ‘birthing’ a second child, It birthed a painful awareness of a mother’s loss from a miscarriage. Miscarriages are something that many women experience and it wasn’t really talked about back in the early 1990’s. Even today, the pain from it generally goes unrecognized. Since that time, I have lost count of the dozens of women that God has bought into my life, who have lost children before they could take even one breath. What was birthed in me was yet another a lesson in being hopeful and waiting on the Lord. It was the opportunity to acknowledge the loss, love for, and the support of both spouses. But as I had learned before… birthing does usually lead to yet another birth. During my miscarriage pain there was also the background pain of Bruce’s ministry discernment process that I called “the seminary thing.” “The seminary thing” was a time when my husband was deciding whether or not to go back to graduate school and become a Presbyterian pastor. It was also during this time that I needed to process why I had a lot of pain when I considered leaving the home of my dreams… that was located near my parents in my hometown of Orlando, Florida. For selfish and insecurity/financial security reasons, I really didn’t want Bruce to leave his well-paid career in IT and I didn’t want to leave delightful central Florida, I didn’t want to become a family who lived in a “stain- glass-house” under congregational and community scrutiny… maybe in the wilds of Alaska or somewhere else that I didn’t’ really want to live. So, in the midst of my miscarriage grief, I “made a deal with God,” (Yes, I know, how arrogant that sounds, but it’s true) that I would support Bruce’s career change into the ministry if He would:

1) Bless us with another child,

2) Give us a house to live in that would allow us to keep our black Labrador retriever ‘Annie”, and

3) Make it possible that I didn’t have to go back to work full-time. Since one birth usually leads to another, God must have laughed at my short list…and moved toward more birthing for me to do.

From the discernment process Bruce “felt called” to go to seminary at a place called the University of Dubuque, of all places, in Dubuque, Iowa… which ended up offering us a stand- alone house with three bedrooms and allowed pets. Bruce was also granted the one Presidential Scholarship for his entering class, which included full-tuition, rental of our single-family home, and a monthly stipend. Dubuque’s program also give him credit for a year of graduate PhD work that he completed at another university…and low and behold… about 6 months after losing my second child, I was given the joyful news that we were expecting another child. The painful “birthing” of letting go of my plans… yes, it is painful for God to pry our hands open to let good of something good for something great. I learned that I had to let go of some things in order to receive God’s abundant provisions according to His will. It birthed again the lesson of being obedient to Him for the direction He had for our lives. We were blessed with wonderful years in Dubuque and established relationships with people there that are still strong today. Read below again, this time from the Amplified Version of the Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6.

“Trust in and rely confidently on the LORD with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]”

Proverbs 3:5-6

https://youtu.be/eBg9jHQtE44

Our daughter Katherine Morgan Hedgepeth, 7lb 6 oz., arrived, on the evening of November 9 th , 1993, in Dubuque, Iowa, three months after moving there for Bruce to begin summer Greek class. Kate, the ever so organized and scheduled one, arrived one day early and in a hurry… 13 minutes after we got to Finley Hospital, only 3 blocks from our house… uphill on Bennet Street. In Kate’s literal birthing there was intense pain, because I delivered her without receiving nary an aspirin… while the nurse midwife struggled to get her gloves and “slicker” on… while yelling at me, “Did your other baby have a head full of dark hair?… Don’t push!” Well, the joy of her safe delivery way out shone the pain of that all-natural delivery. From the birthing of Kate… we have even more joy because of getting to name her after one of my grandmothers. Kate’s life has brought about the joy of additions to our family with her sweet husband Brett, and our grandson, Walker. He’ll be three years old at the end of this month.

One birth leads to yet another. It was soon after the time of Kate’s birth that I met a wonderful contemplative, prophetic, artistic, fantastic mom, devout follower of Christ and now published author, named Susan Marie Doyle-Miller. Four-year-olds, Will and Maria, Susan’s oldest daughter, were in Kindermusic together when we started to share our lives and faith with one another.

Through my relationship with Susan, God birthed in me an awareness of the powerful, passionate, and propelling presence of the Holy Spirit. Experiencing the fullness of God through Susan’s person, writing and art, it opened my mind and heart to meeting and experiencing the movement of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has drawn me toward an appreciation for various classic spiritual disciplines as well as a greater freedom to be with God. This increasing freedom with God led Bruce and me to meet and establish dear friendships with believers from Northern Ireland. These numerous relationships, that are over twenty-years-old now, have been pivotal fuel for me to coordinate and speak at women’s retreats for more than 15 years. These retreats have birthed powerful loving and healing experiences and many blessings for hundreds of women as well as me.

The pain and joy of “birthing” continued when yet, another ‘birthing’ came during Will’ freshman year of high school when he was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. The autoimmune condition effecting the entire digestive tract where one’s body believes it is a foreign invader and it tries to eat away at itself. He was 5’ 1” tall and 79 lbs. when he collapsed on the 2005 Presidents Day weekend. Because he was in so much pain and was so incredibly weak from weight and blood loss that he couldn’t hardly stand… so playing his ice hockey goalie position in the scheduled tournament wasn’t going to happen. Yes, you heard me… an ice hockey goalie living in Florida. Did you know that “William” in Old-English means staunch defender? So, playing the position of Goalie was perfect fit for him.

Fast forward through Will’s high-school and college years, where his disease required him to take various oral and injectable medications to manage his painful IBD flare-ups and to ensure his physical growth continued. It was Will’s amazing Orlando, FL, pediatric endocrinologist, Dr. Richard Banks, M.D., who discovered that the medication for Crohn’s disease was stunting Will’s growth. It was Dr. Bank’s letter to our insurance company that swayed them to approve hormone injections for a year that helped Will to eventually grow to be six feet tall. Will endured the further discomfort of colonoscopies, and inspection of his private parts, along with questions about the color of his bowel moments, “are they green, brown, yellow, red?”…and remember how he thought that having to ask for gluten-free food accommodations at restaurants as mortifying! With all Will’s health challenges… and my guestimate of a couple hundred hours spent as a patient in doctors’ offices… the diseases ultimately “birthed” in Will the desire to major in biology and minor in chemistry…with the goal to apply and get into medical school.

What joy it was to see Will walk across the stage to receive his doctoral stole and put on the long doctor’s white coat. After four years of medical school, Will was “matched” in his first-choice residency program in Internal Medicine-the gateway residency that would lead him to his goal to earn one of the few coveted spots in a fellowship program for Interventional Cardiology. The painful firsthand medical experience Will had all through his life did birth in him the knowledge and desire to diagnosis and treat physical diseases. He had lots of personal knowledge and insights to health care that he could apply. After all the hours of hard work and painful tests and procedures, a new doctor was “birthed” to help heal a hurting world.

Fast forward another three years, to early in 2019 when Bruce and I decided to move back to Sarasota, FL. Bruce transitioned from traditional church pastoral leadership to a unique position with a global ministry organization called Young Life. Bruce was selected to lead a ministry unit called Expeditions, that coordinates the short-term mission trips in 22 country Latin America and Caribbean countries. Many of you know his passion for leading mission trips in Guatemala, Mexico, Haiti, and Nicaragua.

Our move to Sarasota marked the first-time in his ministry career when we could choose where we wanted to live. The week we moved back to Sarasota, when Will was 4 months away from finishing his final year of residency… was scoring at the top of his class in clinical and diagnostic exams, and was ready to decide about the next chapter of his medical career…. Will crashed.

This physical crash was much more devastating than the literal one he had about a year before, when he fell asleep at 4:00 am driving to the hospital, to conduct his scheduled rounds. That crash, when he ran into a palm tree with his leased Acura, that ended up being a legal mess to manage because Will was underinsured, only yielded facial abrasions, a concussion, and a totaled car.

Will’s most serious crash was his diagnosis with stage IV cancer of the small bowel, adenocarcinoma, which had already spread throughout his abdomen. After his initial surgery, Will moved back home with Bruce and me to Sarasota and we journeyed together through a cancer battle for the next 18 months…

During those months, the three of us revised our food options even more, negotiated palatable menus, and tested the digestibility of different beverages through bouts of chemotherapy nausea. We strategized Will’s care for the most comfortable post-surgical recovery possible. We learned how to start and stop IV pumps, swapping out bags of refrigerated liquid nutrition (TPN) and highly monitored and strictly administered intense pain medication dosing, ultimately…

We laid next to Will, said a final in-person ‘I love you’ …. heard him utter the same precious words in reply… then hugged, kissed, and held his hands… while we released him into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.

Instead of having Will for the 6-9 months that the doctors had originally projected at his diagnosis… we had Will with us twice as long. Will’s cancer diagnosis did birth an amazing opportunity for him to use his medical knowledge to advocate for himself, right up to the day he physically left us… He stayed with us longer because of it… it has been a devastatingly beautiful journey for us….

So, it has been through Will’s battle with cancer that I birthed not only a renewed appreciation for caregivers but also the value of spending your life doing what brings you joy and leaves you with no regrets. Not three months after Will passed, I helped my dad navigate his final weeks with congestive heart failure under hospice care, into eternal life. Today, as I complete the writing of this entry, I am in the hospital room with my mother. I have been here with her for three weeks, praying, advocating, communicating, encouraging, feeding, bathing… serving her with the gifts that prior “birthing’s” have taught me. One birth leads to another… and yet another.

I wouldn’t have made it through Will’s journey without my faith, surrounded by the support of dear family and friends, and the blessing of writing frequently on the Caringbridge website. We established the on-line site in Will’s name, to keep people updated on his status in an efficient way. Caringbridge was an amazing vehicle that we used to share, with hundreds of friends and colleagues, the basics of Will’s health updates, our faithful hope for Will’s recovery, and at times, the immense pain that we were experiencing.

https://youtu.be/S5tGdzyeRYc

God promises to bless and heal the broken-hearted. Susan Marie Doyle-Miller once told me. “We write to heal, because it is our right to heal.” Through the “birthing pains” of losing Will, writing became an important part of my grief healing process… I have felt called to share Will’s courageous story, to honor his life by keeping his memory alive, to continue to heal my own grief, and to encourage others to look for God’s movement in their everyday lives. Because of this call the website On Parallel Paths began in January of 2022. I have felt encouraged to look, listen, and write, in order to share the insights that God desires and for the joy of His healing.

In Matthew 5:3-4, the scriptures tell us:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
NIV (New International Version translation)
Another way this is written is “Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.”
GW (God’s Word translation)

And in vs. 4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

When we realize that all we are and all we have is from God, and without God we are less and likely helpless; when we realize that with God’s help and strength we can let go of earthly concerns and allow Him to move us, in such a way, that we are put in the middle of His will and in possession of His kingdom.

Even through all the grief and pain of the past three years, I know that God loves me, guides me, comforts me, and blesses me. He is willing to be there through all of our pains of birthing, of losing, and in the joy of creating someone or something. God blesses us with the opportunity to ‘birth’ many things as well as precious human souls.
https://youtu.be/OYdtiLkd2FU

To God be the glory! AMEN

• Dr. David Bailey excelled in his career, to become the CEO of Nemours Children’s Hospital. Dr. Bailey retired in 2018 just months before Will was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the small bowel. I read about Dr. Bailey’s retirement in the local Jacksonville paper and googled to see if it was the same Dr. Bailey from our Orlando days with Will. Sure enough… I wrote a congratulatory email to tell him how much his care meant to our family and of Will’s accomplishments to become a doctor and in his residency plans. Because of the message, I was asked by his executive assistant to video a surprise message to Dr. Bailey recounting his professional care and relationship with Will from 25 years before. The plan was to compile numerous messages to play during Dr. Bailey’s retirement celebration. It was a real honor to get to ‘brag’ on Dr. Bailey’s compassion, professional excellence, humility, playfulness, and the support he showed to our family. Our family was blessed during Will’s 18 month-long cancer journey by Dr. Bailey and his loyal former staff, who sent words of encouragement and eventually sympathy to our family. That initial Celiac diagnosis was hard for our entire family, but over the decades it blessed us in so many ways.