Hello dear ones,
I apologize for the long delay in communicating with you, not only from my journaling, but also in returning your messages on the OPP website. I am happy to be reconnecting with each of you this week. As you’ll read below, my mother passed away within 38 hours of unexpectedly losing our bother-in-law Colin and then we had a hurricane in our part of the state of Florida. My life’s path has been a rather challenging one, yet again. So, thank you ever so much for continuing the journey alongside me. I look forward to hearing from you.
entry drive to New Melleray Abbey
Fall… when I think of the word “Fall” many things come to mind:
… Fall is a season of the year because that when leaves fall from trees
… Fall is what can happen if you slip on something wet or are unsteady on your feet.
… Fall is what happens when you are become totally overwhelmed with love for a special person in your life.
… Fall from grace, is what happens to your professional and/or personal reputation when you make a series of mistakes or bad decisions. Or when you disappoint others by not living up to their expectations of you, or even when you inadvertently make an enemy of the wrong influential person.
… Fall is what happens to trees when a hurricane arrives, and the root system isn’t sufficient to withstand the high winds and can’t hold it securely in the ground.
to lose it leaves.
A Time for Everything: by King Solomon
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
“Fall” is the season of the year that we are enjoying right now in the northern hemisphere. This is the time of year when the nights are cooler (even down in southwest Florida…it’s all relative) and the days crisp (in the more northern regions) and bright. While Fall days are shorter, they are filled with the beauty of the colored leaves, deep blue skies, and the smell/taste of all-things apple and pumpkin spice. During Fall carefully tended crops are harvested, the bounty celebrated, fields are tilled to return nutrients to the soil and some plants are left to go dormant and even die-back, so that after the cold of winter, new life can begin in the spring.
in a partially harvested corn field. In the background the
dried stocks of feed/seed corn await the combine
to harvest the remaining ears.
When I think of Fall, I think of the Upper Midwest where I’ve had the opportunity to live twice and visit dozens of times. My husband Bruce and I are currently on a road trip in our RV, out to Iowa for the annual Fall Board of Trustee meetings at the University of Dubuque. After this week we will head over to Illinois, up to Wisconsin and the over to Lake City, Michigan to Young Life’s camp Timber Wolf Lake, for leadership meetings. As we traveled up this way during the last week, we have marveled at the fabulous “fall colors” that we have seen this year. They are the most stunning that I have ever witnessed.
reflection in the upper windshield
God’s creation has “wowed” us all along the way, through one state and into the next. We have watched the green John Deer tractors and combines harvesting corn and soybeans from the cab of our RV, saying a prayer of thanks for their hard work to feed our nation. And we have celebrated the bounty of fellowship time by taking the opportunity to stop to visit dear friends near; Charlottesville, VA, Pittsburgh, PA, Cleveland, OH, Columbus, OH, Elkhart, IN, Dubuque, IA and to come Madison, WI. Spending time with this diverse group of individuals we either met during my banking career or in Bruce’s graduate school and church calls, has brought so much “crisp air and color” to our travel days. Taking time to share wonderful meals, reminisce, catch-up, laugh, weep, rest, hike, encourage and be encouraged, has brought a warmth to my heart that I desperately needed. Those of you who have faithfully followed along during Will’s cancer journey know that we took him on a trip two years ago at this time in October. From that experience, I decided that if I was given his diagnosis of only 6-9 months to live that I would go see all the people who are near and dear to me.
in October of 2020, a month before he passed,.
Well, I decided that I didn’t want to wait for that diagnosis but would try to take any and every opportunity to be with those that mean so much to us while we are able. So be warned, if we know you well and you live in the continental US, we may turn up in our 30’ long RV in your driveway.
As I am writing to you, I am sitting in my favorite study room here at the monastery called New Melleray Abbey, in Peosta, IA. The temperatures have reached the lower 40’s this afternoon (from a low in the upper 20’s last night). The rolling corn, soybean, and alfalfa fields around me are partially harvested.
The wind is whipping through the colorful leaves on the trees and the sky is that lovely shade of blue. Unlike my home in Sarasota, the seasons up here change drastically. But things here, inside the thick walls of the monastery, remain warm and consistent.
Here at the monastery, the Brother’s sing the same Psalms to the same cadence on the same days of the week during the month, accompanied by the same chapel organ. The words and movements of their liturgy is comforting and consistent, as is the smell of the lingering worship incense from the morning’s mass.
on which days of an “Even Week.” There is a similar
for the Odd Weeks.
There is a stability here at the monastery that is spiritually and physically anchoring for me. I have been coming here to pray, listen, read, walk, and write for over 20 years. This place sparked a spiritual awakening in me that lead me to lead Women’s retreats and find more ways to connect with God at a deep level. This connection has been a falling in love with God. This place has allowed me to pursue an intimacy with God that I hadn’t experienced anywhere else. It is here that I have consistently felt the abundant love and provision of God. Like my network of diverse friends around the world, New Melleray is part of my “life tree’s root system” that has allowed me to withstand the hurricanes, some of them literally, that have blown through my life.
Speaking of hurricanes, just before Hurricane Ian hit Southwest Florida’s coast, a month ago this week, we unexpectedly lost our Chicago area bother-in-law, Colin (age 68) and then my mother Jean Gilliland (age 88) to a hard battle with congestive heart failure and kidney disease.
area orchid show where my father was honored.
our brother-in-law, Colin Carroll, a retired
fireman/paramedic when he was on a trip
to the Philippines. Colin frequently
taught, served and performed mobile
medical missions in the Chicago area and in the Philippines.
Since February of this year, Mama had been in and out of the hospital, skilled nursing units, and in her own independent living apartment in Winter Park, FL. The tipping point for her came after she contracted Shingles a couple months ago. By mid-September, Mama was ready to be out of the physical pain, to be relieved of her mobility limitations (she experienced several literal “falls” in the past couple of years which added to her complications when the foot-to-hip Shingles appeared on her right side.) She was ready to be released from the indignity of needing full-time care. We are very sad at her passing but relieved for her that she now lives in peace in a restored body with our Lord.
On the morning of Mama’s passing my sister Susan greeted me with a hug and the words, “Well, now we are orphans.” Since our Dad passed away in February of 2021 it was very true from the earthly perspective. In truth, I have felt a rootlessness since Mama passed. Countless times this month I have reached for my phone to call to hear her voice and make sure she is okay. In certain situations I have wondered what solution Mama would suggest.
There is a major gap left that my earthly parents previously filled. I was reminded by a new work friend Margo, from PA, that while my earthly parents aren’t here anymore, that I have a heavenly Father who will always be there for me. It is my faith in God’s promise of unconditional love and eternal life for those who believe in His son Jesus. A promise I learned from my Mama. My spiritual beliefs have been the main branch of my “life’s root system” that has kept me from falling in the strong winds from rounds of end-of-life caregiving and the eventual losses.
“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.”
Psalms 52:8
“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”
Deuteronomy 7:9
“Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.”
Psalms 48:9
“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”
Psalms 86:15
“… neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:39
As I reflect on where I am in life, I feel like the last three years have been a season of Fall for me, physically and spiritually. Having lived here in the Upper Midwest, I have learned that Fall can arise in me either feeling of melancholy or anticipation. Feelings that things are gearing-up for a change… they aren’t going to stay the same. In the Upper Midwest Fall brings with it a knowledge that a long, cold, and likely grey winter is ahead.
During this Fall season of my life, I have appreciated the “vibrant colors” from the support and comfort provided by dear friends and family that have blessed me. Likewise, I have felt the pressure to continue to “produce crops” to bring in a “good end-of-the season harvest” (i.e. keep working professionally to meet client expectations and family budget plans, keep caring for those family members who need me, try to keep up with the relationships that are important to me, while managing now Mama’s estate requirements..I need to finish well.) During this season I have become aware of some of the brittle barrenness that has come with years of striving and the recent rounds of caregiving and prolonged grief. The need to use the remainder of this season for restorative changes is on the forefront of my mind, to avoid the possibility of significant “breakage”.
monastery.
There is much opportunity for restorative change this Fall season.
… A chance to “clean out the barn” so that “newly harvested crops” can be stored away. Literally, as soon as I return from our road trip, I plan on going through my dresser and closets and make a major purge of what I don’t use or need anymore. I have also been thinking about my pace of life and how I have filled it. How I have spent the last few years and what are the current expectations and demands on my time. I am asking God to clarify and direct how I spend this next season of my life. What is there time and the chance to do?
… A chance to put cozy flannel sheets on the bed to snuggle in for the comfort a great night’s sleep. Caregiving and grief have had a way of keeping my mind whirling and interrupting my sense of peace. Rest has a way of equipping me with strength for life’s daily demands.
… A chance to change up my daily schedule to exercise more. No longer do I get to spend hours driving across the state to visit with, arrange for and help care for Mama. I now have the options to get back into my yoga routine, ride my bike more, plan time to fellowship with friends, wear a sweatshirt (vs. a t-shirt) and to get myself outside to embrace the invigorating change in temperatures and the scenery of God’s creation.
… A chance to sip on a hot non-caffeinated beverage (vs. something ice cold) and nibble something healthy and homemade to nourish my physical being. It’s a chance to take a break from processed/semi-prepared foods that I ate a lot of in the past nine months, either in my car, or at Mama’s apartment after a late-night hospital visits, or take-out with her in the nursing care units… they try hard but you know how food is in those places.
… A chance to give thanks for the relational and spiritual “roots” that I have in my life that help keep me grounded and tapped into the sources of goodness and life. This chance also includes the opportunity to have better boundaries with those people or calendar items that are not life giving. A gracious decline of an invitation can mean time for a more restorative ‘appointment’.
… A chance to daily appreciate the harvest of blessings, regardless of its apparent nature, that God has bestowed upon my life.
3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Matthew 5: 3-11
Let this Fall be an important season on your life’s path.
On Parallel Paths 
Cindy, another great time to remember how good God is to us all. So many great memories about so many we have loved.
Pop
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Thank you Pop…yes, a special day today remembering Colin at his service up in Gurnee, IL. He had such a servant heart and lived his life with such joy. He will be missed so much… heaven’s gain!
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Beautifully written, Cindy! I love you.
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Thank you dear friend…I love you, too!
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