Those of you who know me, know that I am a list maker. I love to make lists because I love to accomplish things and then I love to check items off the list. AAAHHH the sense of accomplishment of a completed check list, it brings joy to my soul. Are you a list person too, can you relate? Lists have been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember.

The first time I likely thought of a list was from the classic Christmas song, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” You might know how the particular part goes: ”He’s making a list, and checking it twice, gonna find out whose naughty and nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.”

https://youtu.be/HWv72L4wgCc

Well, I knew I wanted to be on the “nice list” so I would be sure to get a gift from Santa on Christmas morning… and, well if lists were important to Santa, then they must be important for me.  

I don’t know when I started writing out my various lists, but numerous outside influences were certainly at play into my upbringing… like the classic song from one of my very first movie viewings, “My Favorite Things” from the movie, The Sound of Music.

https://youtu.be/2G6dd7ikrXs

There have always been the shopping lists to make, the project lists for work with deadlines clearly a key factor. Then there were the annual back-to school lists and gift lists for birthdays, but my all-time most extensive lists making would occur at the holidays. 

Lists for holiday cards to write and mail/email. A list for teachers, dance instructors, coaches, friends, and family gifts… to buy and wrap. But the most massive lists were the multiple ones for the large open-houses Bruce and I would decorate for, cook for, and host annually, for 150 people, arriving in three shifts from 4:00-midnight, typically on the second week each December in our home. 

Like me this year, you may be asking why in the world would we do such a thing… it was our way to say  “thank you” to friends, co-workers, staff, church leaders, and neighbors who had been so kind and supportive to us over the year. With my travel work schedule and Bruce’s pastoral demands, there just wasn’t enough time to reciprocate one-on-one with folks, so we had a big party. I look back and wonder at how we did all that with two young children, and our two “more than full-time” jobs. It was a lot of work but such a joy. Notice the last thing on the list in the picture below… with the vanilla extract stain on it… to the bottom right… smile!

Ah, yes, the joy (and stresses) of the holiday season. Having people say it was the highlight of their year… those were kind words for sure. Or seeing our children thrilled on Christmas morning with Santa’s gift and those that us parents and the grandparents could provide. Sweet affirmations that encourage list making.

Big Christmas celebrations were always part of my family’s holiday experiences, so part of the joy. For decades we had a huge Christmas tree, over 12 feet tall, filling the cathedral ceiling of my childhood home…Covered in and surrounded by lots of lights, with a hand-painted (by my mom) nativity scene on the double fireplace mantel, lovely centerpieces on every table in the house, fresh poinsettias outside the front door, lots of friends and family visiting, and loads of gifts. It was always over-the-top with traditional music, church services, caroling in the neighborhood, hot chocolate, cookie making, gingerbread house assembling, and eating delicious meals. So full, so warm, so preciously familiar. Those were the holiday traditions I grew up with.

It was always so tender for me to arrive at my folks’ home late on Christmas Eve, (Bruce would still be at church getting ready to lead the later evening services) and then read the Christmas story from the gospel of Luke to Will and Kate, using the huge family Bible that sat on the living room coffee table. Then I read them “The Night Before Christmas,” they helped me set out cookies and milk for Santa, and I tucked them into their beds for prayers and sleep. Only then (if all the gifts were wrapped and Santa gifts assembled with the help of my Dad) could I settle down with a glass of eggnog in my hand, next to a fire flickering in the double sided fireplace, at the foot of a huge tree…to quietly give thanks for all the provision God had blessed us with and for His help in getting me through another busy season.

Those few minutes of peace to give thanks to God were what I enjoyed the most of all the traditions. Sitting quietly by the tree, pondering the year that had all but passed and imagining what the new year had to bring. With everything checked off the list, I could finally allow myself time to pause to enjoy the excitement of the surprises that were in store for the family the next morning. Time to marvel at the fact that God came to earth in the form of a child in a working-class family, so that through His incarnation I can be forgiven from all my sins and have a relationship with him… for eternity.This tenet of my faith has always been an amazing realization. There wasn’t anything I had to plan for or to accomplish for that to happen. No lists were needed. Nothing other than believing in Him.

Yes, I always found it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve in my childhood home…every single year for more than five decades the excitement and joy of the season made the holiday so bright. 

https://youtu.be/VekjwaMtk8U

The past couple of years the story has been different for me. The holidays that were once magical, with or without my own efforts from a check list, have now become painfully hard. This year, in particular, has been the hardest. Will is gone, Dad is gone and now Mama is gone. We won’t see Kate and her family until Dec. 26. It’s good for them to have Christmas morning in their own home with their son (and our grandson) Walker and establish their own traditions. I get it, but it is yet another change that obviously wasn’t on my check list, and I can see now I wasn’t ready for it yet.

This year Thanksgiving was a rough one for me for several reasons, so I decided that I didn’t have it in me to put up a tree. To get the most enjoyment possible out of it. the family tradition was to select a fresh tree, put one up, and decorate it the day or two days after Thanksgiving.    I did buy a small rosemary tree this year, like I did the past couple years, to decorate as a table-top version of what I’ve always had. But the thought of pulling out the dozens of ornaments that my parents bought for our family on their trips around the world, or the ones that either the kid’s Aunt Lori or I bought for them on our different trips around the world, was way beyond my strength. The little rosemary tree is still sitting “au naturale”, outside on the front patio in its plastic pot from Lowes … along with several half empty flower boxes, that haven’t been attended to in months. That’s another tradition for me to update the flowers outside for every season. But not this year. 

https://youtu.be/zzY-v8bkU0s

To keep myself from looking like a total Grinch, I did hang a wreath on our front door… so that the neighbors wouldn’t think too much was amiss at the Hedgepeth house. And I pulled out some holiday kitchen towels and placemats to give a nod to the holiday, but that’s about as far as I got. 

No, my heart just isn’t into the decorations, or the Christmas carols, or the gifts. It’s a good thing that we decided months ago to give a gift of a trip together with Kate and her family instead of the numerous gifts under the tree. Time together beginning on the 26th will be sweet and a chance to form new memories, maybe start some new traditions. Through the loss there is still the joy of sweet memories with my loved ones that are gone.

After spending long days cleaning out the folks’ things these past 18 months, I am beginning my mission of reducing the “stuff” in our house. The expression, you can’t take it with you is literal, you know?  Kate will likely still have a bunch of things to dispose of “when the time comes” to deal with our earthly possessions, but hopefully it will be less than what was left to me and my sisters to deal with. As I wrote that last line it reminded me that while working on my mom’s estate finances this week, I came across a list that my Dad made a few months before he passed away in 2021, to remind me about what I needed to do “when the time comes.” He left it sitting by his recliner in the family room. I think God wanted me to remember Dad today and in what ways I was like him… handwriting included. Notice I dutifully checked items off when I completed the important tasks. As a long time banker and now a third time estate trustee in two years, I can attest to the importance of lists and notes to effectively managing someone else’s finances and final wishes.

So, where does this leave me this holiday season? Grieving, yes. Feeling uprooted, yes, but, hopeless? No. It has brought me back to what is the holidays are all about. It’s about love. God’s love for us regardless of our chosen religion. It is not only about the people who I have around me, the traditions, the gifts, the lights, the food…No. It’s about “the reason for the season.”

https://youtu.be/MHKJ1aWt1J4

My life’s path feels like it has changed these past few years. My priorities aren’t the same. My dreams for the future aren’t the same either. It has been painful beyond words to let go of some life wishes when we let go of Will…and yet I feel comforted at the same time. As my friend Susan from Texas reminded me today, that my loved ones have never been so good as they are right now. And I know who to thank for that. Without Emmanuel, “God with us,” I wouldn’t still be functioning and breathing to praise Him. God is the reason I can get up every day. And it is His birthday that is the joy of the season. It isn’t easy for me to let go of the traditions/trappings of the holidays that had me feeling good for so many years. But those traditions aren’t obviously what brings true joy. The traditions meant so much to my parents and they still do to me, too. So, I don’t think I can ever let go of all of them. This year I have sent out holiday cards to long-time friends because I want them to know that I love them and am thinking of them. I have purchased and wrapped a few gifts, but mostly I got stocking stuffers that are “consumables” for the very same reason, love… and less clutter 🙂

I knew that my approach to Christmas had changed quite a bit this year, when in late November I saw this little frame in Aldi’s while grocery shopping. It struck a chord in my spirit, and I brought it home. Maybe all my “to-do” lists are obscuring the real meaning of life. This little frame is one of the few decorations I have sitting out this year. 

https://youtu.be/8lXkCfvAHJs

Yes, this little list made me sit back and question all my past holiday list making and priorities. What good are the exterior decorations on our house if there isn’t love, and kindness inside? What good is a hand-picked personalize gift if it isn’t appreciated or if the person isn’t here anymore to open it? What good is setting a lovely table and spending hours preparing a delicious meal if those around the table are unappreciative or argumentative? It seems to me that holiday traditions are meaningless without the true meaning of holiday behind them. 

For my Jewish friends, this is the season of Chanukkah, the celebration of lights and God’s amazing provision for His people in a dark and threatening time. For those of us that are Christians, it is the celebration of God’s love for the world that propelled Him to send His only Son, so that we could forever be in a relationship with Him. Being a parent who begrudgingly lost her only son, who was also in his thirties, the unfathomable strength that it took to to allow your son to be separated from you knowing that he would suffer and die, simply overwhelms me. But it’s this love of God for us and His provision that are the reasons for our celebrations.

https://youtu.be/kKkFyaRpfUo

Even with all the hopes and dreams that I’ll never see materialize, for all the traditions that I’ll never experience again and, for all the blessings and joys of the past that will never be felt the same way… I do still believe in Christmas, the promise from God that He is Emanuel…with me. If I allow Him to direct my path and I look for Him along the way, I’ll see that He is with me through all of life’s highs and lows. I can see the joy of Christmas on any day and I can count on the promise that He won’t leave or forsake me.

A relationship with the living God means that regardless of the holiday situation and traditions that are or aren’t the same anymore, I’ll always have Him as my greatest source of comfort and joy. Maybe I don’t need as many check lists.

https://youtu.be/JbA7i1CEQNo

May this holiday season bring you the gift of the awareness that there is much love, comfort and joy awaiting you from our magnificent God. That’s a tradition that I want to embrace.  

Blessings to you and yours until we walk along the parallel path together again in 2023!